I'm tired of being trans. I have fought so long and so hard. I'm tired. Sick. I don't want to be alive anymore. I don't want to be that family member with the skewed morals, the one who got "duped by the devil." The one whose a confused depraved freak. I don't want anybody to know I'm trans, because they can never understand. I shouldn't have told anyone, that was my mistake. They think I want this? That this is some theological rebellion? That I have gone to all the wrong places and that I've gone too far this time and now I'm going to be "given over" to my perversion. A monster that even God abandons. They know nothing. They don't know how much I hate myself. The times I wish that I wouldn't wake up, that I'd just die so I wouldn't be a blight to the world anymore. Maybe they're right. I shouldn't exist. Hell, like I love me and I love being trans so much I'm gonna make it everybody's problem. I'm gonna scream it from the rooftops because I want attention. No. Just no. If I could delete my existence I would. But it isn't that simple, is it? I have to keep sucking in air, my heart still beats, time still ticks, I sleep and then I wake up. I don't want to wake up. I don't want to transition and lose my family and be all alone. I'm tired. So tired.
*hugs* I felt like that last year and when somebody asked me if I wanted a hug I started crying. That hug saved me, but I don't think virtual hugs are nearly the same... It made me realise that I don't really want to die...
I'm really sorry to hear that... A lot of us don't want to be trans. Especially us pre-transition trans folk. It's easy to feel broken and like no one gets you; especially since the latter part is actually mostly true. There's a lot of things that are objectively bad about being trans. It's a true shame that a lot of people cannot look beyond their own tightly knitted beliefs, even if it's for the sake of a loved one. Just by trying to be ourselves we inspire a lot of cognitive dissonance in the people around us; or rather, in some of the people around us. And the more people don't understand the worse we feel... But... each person has their own journey. In the Bible, Jesus was probably as much hated as he was loved, was he not? And well... especially in the social/biological transitioning stage there is a lot of shit that we have to endure. But there's a place for everyone. A place where people will accept you, love you for who you are; a place where your visions, dreams, and desires are closer to your reach. It might take some time to find, and I understand if it really hurts that that place wasn't where you hoped it could be. But please don't give up. It's okay to lose your nerve every once in a while; we all do it - and trans people with depression are certainly no exception. If you're tired, even though giving up might feel like an easy answer, maybe you could take a break? Try not to think about gender too much, or try to think about happy things in general... give yourself time to rest up a bit, perhaps. Drink lots of tea, hug a pillow. Don't do too much extraneous activitity. Keep venting if you feel like it. Just some things that might help... Take care of yourself, okay? *hug*
I wish I couldn't say I knew the feeling, but I've been there several times this month. When they try to use theology against you, it's easy to lose perspective. If your upbringing looked anything like mine, then I imagine you've been taught to fear hell. That if you step out of line, you'll suffer forever. Don't let them control you. They're just as human as you are, and that means that they can't speak for God, or decide what happens to your soul when you die. They can try to make you dress up the way they like, but it doesn't fix anything. I don't know what, exactly, you're having to deal with. But if you're family can't accept you, you're not "making it" their problem. They created the problem themselves and there is nothing selfish about wanting freedom. Eventually, it'll be time to leave all that behind. It will hurt, but they can't cling to you forever, and you can't cling to them. Whenever that day comes, there will be a new path to walk, and new people to walk with. Life is constantly moving. You won't be trapped forever.
