One more attempt at gender identity. If it's about body, then I completely don't know. I'm definitely not a cis woman. I wouldn't be dwelling on this for so long if I was. I don't know what I feel about my body or how to approach it. I don't like the thought of carrying a child. I could do it, of course. I sometimes have a dream of pregnancy. Not that I enjoy this dream, it rather about pain in my guts, disgusting fluids and a baby - I find babies a bit astonishing. I don't like babies, it's just fascinating that new people are born. And I think I'd love to be a parent. TMI (this paragraph, sex, very descriptive) Sex... I'm not really sure. I want to take someone like a man frequently. I found people appealing from the back years before I had any idea it's a male fantasy. I enjoy my lady bits too. I think I have them wired a bit unusual. It's nothing like what women I know describe. They're oversensitive, swell every morning at a fixed time, and are not difficult to please. I'm very visual as well. I have a habit of defending my groin and of sitting with legs spread, and of putting my hands into pockets. Sometimes I feel a part that is not there or feel my parts differently than they really are. It all makes an impression of me being male down there sometimes, on somebody. I don't really know what I feel about having sex the woman way. It's fine and I desire it as well, although I can't be sure if it's primary or secondary. I feel absolutely nothing about my breasts. It's a human chest and it happens to have boobs on it. I don't bind, I don't want to make my breasts saggy. If they bacame saggy, I'd consider removal altogether. One problem less. For now they balance the silhouette nicely. I often wear clothing that flattens me somewhat visually, because first I'm not bothered by them either way and second - I like the look and don't like being treated like a woman, because my personality is not a usual personality for a woman. I don't feel bad about being one, I just don't like the connotations and don't mind if someone thinks I'm a man. I don't mind being thought of as a woman either, but as I said, female, not a representation of the group of females. I used to dislike my hips and feel wierd about boobs, but it went away and I'm embracing my shape. At puberty I was horrified with the perspective of sexual maturation, but I'm not really sure if it's dysphoria, social expectations, shock or my personality. I'm very active and energetic, so menses, births, boobs and not the best fitness was not a nice perspective. Men just seemed to have it easier. But I'm not sure how much it's moaning and my bullshit beliefs back then and how much it has actually to do with my gender. Being honest, although my upbringing was quite liberal, the models of womanhood and manhood were limited. I think I chose "creative" toys and plays rather than doing anything gender-typical. I still choose creative activities over gender-typical ones. I was different from a very young age. I don't have a usual personality or way of thinking for a girl - this is why. I love beauty and am very empathic and emotional - this is my feminine side. May masculine side, hm, well, I'm hard, stubborn, very physical, visual, rivalrous, I have quite agressive thoughts and get angry easily (like someone poured a bucket of male hormones into my brain). I think I feel much less fear than most women do and even feel drawn to risk and challenge. I'm fire incarnante. I get on better with men. I shave my body hair because it feels nicer and looks better in my opinion. I excersice in order to look better too. I don't do anything to seem something or not. I don't care. No. Wait. I try to dress in a more androgynous manner because of the unusual personality thingy. I like dressing feminine, I like dressing masculine, as long as it's comfortable, practical and looks nice. I enjoy subtle make-up and jewelry. I didn't ever question my gender until the middle of high school. I wasn't a tomboy. I thought I'm a girl, because I like dressing like one and boys seemed rude and ugly :dry:. And I thought it's another game. I just didn't question it. I don't mind gendered words, although feminine forms bother me slightly, because I don't feel like my sex has anything to do with what I'm doing or thinking. I feel like being madamed is in the right place when I'm dressed feminine or behave in such a way at the moment. Masculine words don't bother me in the slightest, but I'm not sure if it's because I'm secure in my identity as a female, if it seems more gender-neutral to me or if I feel like a man. I would sincerely prefer to not be called gendered words at all or that pronouns and the such would reflect something more significant about a person than their look in binary terms. I can't help questioning the meaning of it all. In the end, nothing of that has gender in my opinion and there is no one proper way to be a woman or a man. Fire incarnante - it sums up my problem with gender. I don't understand it all. I don't understand what it means to feel gender. I don't know if I feel female, to what degree, and how to tell it. I think I would not like to become more curvy, and I wouldn't like realistically to transition either. It would just mean more body hair and a lot of hassle. And I don't like body hair. And balding. My dad is bald. What also bothers me is becoming more solid in appearance. I think I have reached the limit of how masculine I can look without hormones and it looks quite androgynous. It's just fine in my opinion. I guess I'll look more masculine with age anyway.
