Just thought of something (vent-ish)

well... You're certainly not alone. I'm someone who has so many guy interests that if I were to transition, I'd fit quite a butch stereotype I guess. My feelings of trans-ness are mostly the way you describe, that I'd just be more myself as a woman, not needing to pretend anything. However, I'm just burdened with so many doubts and thoughts that I might be just a fem guy who is unable to cope with his insecurities.

However... I know I have already tried that thinking and each time I have to be a guy makes me unhappy, not to mention physical dysphoria, perhaps not very harsh, but present.

I know what I need to do... but I think it's fear that prevents me from reaching for it. I live hoping I'll get to be that butch woman someday, though. Stay strong, Invidia! You're at least not alone in being stuck like this, with those constant thoughts of being not "trans enough".

 

"WHO are YOU?"

"I thought I knew this morning, but I've changed a few times since then."
(Alice, in Wonderland)

I don't want to repeat the old adage about "there's no such thing as trans enough" because I'm sure you've already heard it.

I get what you're saying though. Sometimes I too question my own conviction. There have been days where the dysphoria ebbs, and simply I would just "rather be a boy." Is that a good enough reason? The point is, you how you have felt. I know that the mere gender struggle I've had is proof in-of-itself that I'm not cis. Because cis-people don't want to be the opposite gender, not really. That's the bottom line.

You don't need "reasons" to be trans. Do other women have to have reasons for existing? Reasons to have the right to have breasts and wear bras? Reasons to have long hair? Reasons to be called ma'am? Reasons to wear a dress and be beautiful? No, nor are they expected to. They are given those things. Yet there are women who weren't given those things, instead they must fight for the "right" to be. To be a woman. Nobody should have to do that, but it is part of this crazy mess that is life.

It's disarming for anyone to dwell on their identity as a person, stripping away prejudice and societal expectations. To think, "Who am I?" That question doesn't just get answered one day in a grand aha! moment. It is a journey and a character you must grow into. Don't get so caught up in present disappointments and confusion. Just think to yourself, who do you want to be? Then become that person.

Stay strong, Rebecca. I'm routing for you, gray or no gray.

"When you think about it. We're all different people all through our lives. And that's good! That's okay. You gotta keep moving. So long as you remember all the people that you used to be." (The Doctor)

 

I think you've got your own answer here.

You shouldn't feel ashamed or think it's a weakness not to want to be where you are (or 'to run away from reality'). Let's state the obvious : Being trans is hard. We are aware we can't start from our mother's womb again, to have a normal childhood, teenager years... And in my case a normal youth, I'm in my 30s already, and let me tell you it's a different game. I spent my 20s trying to push my fears and doubts away, trying to bury them with a ton of things that made dysphoria worse. I didn't wanted to be who I am. I wanted to play with the cards I was given, and to play it good, I wanted to win the game.

Now, I've been out to myself for a few years. After the initial gender euphoria, it came the moment of truth, to face what I had to do to look like the human being I am : To first get access to medical help (and quite specialized, no less), to come out to family and friends, to change my name and fight with clerks, administrations and whatnot, and then to depend on weekly injections for the rest of my life.
Because I would start the transition too late, I'm positive I won't change my bone structure : I won't grow up a miserable inch, and unless I spend hours at the gym, I won't ever look like the kind of guy who is physically attractive to females... Or even to himself.

On the other hand, I know I'll be wanting and wishing I had taken some action towards a transition later, after my doubts are gone. How do I know? Because I have spent two years going back and forth, ending on the same point : I do not want this. I do not want to get misgendered. I do not want to carry around a birthname that seems like a joke to me, and raises eyebrows and questions because even if I'm not on T, I do pass more and more each day. I need to do this so I can have a normal life. I can't walk around anymore as someone I'm not, the experience was painful, so painful my life was miserable... Now it's not perfect, but at least it feels much better. That's what is all about really : To make yourself feel comfortable on your own skin, the more comfortable the better.

I doubt you'll reach the day when you look at yourself at the mirror and go : 'I'm so perfect'. Not many cis do, or they do it on occasion. There are also more troubles in life than being trans, and we might like to mix them all, blame this problem on being trans, the other on something else... I think we must make an effort to separate the problems that had to do with being trans, and the problems that come out simply of just being human. To classify and analize each and every problem, to check where they come from and how we can solve them. This requires a will and a cool head.

You need to do whatever it takes to make yourself feel good. There is things you can change, and you have every right to go for it. It's about your life and your own happiness at the end.