Why do I feel this way?

Hey there. I can't give you any concrete answers (e.g., what gender, or lack thereof, you may be) - ultimately that rests on you. But I can tell you that what you feel - everything you described here - isn't abnormal or fake. What you feel is valid.

The discomfort, with your assigned sex and assigned gender re: who you feel you are, and with parts of your body, is probably dysphoria. There are ways you can ease that, and safe ways you can bind to flatten your chest. If you want you can look into binders or safe ways to do so by yourself without one.

I don't think you're faking this at all. I've felt pretty uncomfortable in my own skin for lots of my life, long before I started thinking about my gender. Some of it was probably just my insecurities in general, but maybe some of it was because I was uncomfortable with the whole assigned sex/gender/body thing. I personally think it's normal to feel different after you make certain realisations/strides in regards to your gender, because you start being able to recognise certain feelings, put names to emotions you may be feeling, and become more self aware. My dysphoria got worse after I began to explore my gender; or maybe it didn't get worse but I just became more aware of it. It's not abnormal for things to feel different as you go further down the path of figuring out and exploring your gender. I understand that sometimes different feelings and factors overlap though which can be confusing. But eventually they'll be easier to understand and distinguish.

Try not to worry too much about whether you're this or that, or if it's real or not real or what it could all mean. Try to focus more on how you can get yourself to your most comfortable and happiest state with what you have now; if that's exercise, go for it, and if that's getting a binder, go for that too. Work towards feeling better, doubts may come but what's important is you don't let them invalidate you into figuring out what feels right for you. I highly doubt you're imagining it all. Maybe try also focusing on what makes you more happy, more comfortable (both gender expression and certain pronouns wise, for example), as well as (or rather than) your discomfort/unhappiness or what it might or might not mean. A lot of the time I relied as much on gender euphoria/doing certain things to feel better about myself and my body, as on the dysphoria and what I felt uncomfortable with, to reach certain understandings about myself.

I understand that it's definitely not easy to be questioning sexuality, relationship, and gender at once. There is no "supposed to be" or "not supposed to be" in regards to how you feel. Your journey is your own; everyone takes different periods of times, goes through different stages, feels different things. It's okay.

To wrap up a long (long) post, I suggest what you do right now is take the practical steps forward - like I said, towards making yourself more comfortable and happy. Work out (safely), find ways to decrease your discomfort. Buy some clothes that are more androgynous and see how you feel wearing them. Search up nonbinary or trans resources and stories, see if there's anything you relate to or anything that can help you. Write down your thoughts and track your progress (I have a private gender diary, maybe you can try one out as well). See what feels good and what makes you as happy and as comfortable as you can; build up the labels and understanding from there.

Best of luck. I hope you figure things out, and you can always keep posting on EC if you have any questions or need some advice. You're not alone in any of this. (*hug*)

 

That makes total sense to me - what everyone wants for their bodies can be different, and they never have to fulfil any kind of checklist or expectation of binary/non-binary genders and gender expressions. If that is what you want for yourself now, then it’s valid and you can take steps to get closer to those goals

No, I don’t think it’s weird that dysphoria, or simply just your feelings of discomfort and all, got more intense after discovering that you’re not cisgender. I can’t speak for the whole trans community but I don’t think it’s uncommon for that to happen; like I said self realisation can bring in a lot of new emotions/self awareness, or simply a heightened awareness of the emotions you might not have recognised before. Think about it this way - if you were born given a shoe that doesn’t quite fit but you never really thought about the fact that it could be different, had nothing to compare it with; even if you experienced some discomfort you might have ended up feeling used to it or okay with it. But discovering that there’s another shoe size that fits much better, and knowing how it would feel if you had it, might make your discomfort with what you have a lot worse and you might realise this is not the ideal of what you want for your happiness and comfort. That’s one way to approach it I suppose. Then again, every trans person’s experiences are different and valid.

Non-binary people can experience dysphoria. Even if you don’t want to fully transition into, for example, a body that’s like a cis guy’s, you can still feel discomfort with your body now and feel better if it were more androgynous, or if your chest was smaller, etc. I believe that some non-binary people will partially transition, and I know that some (but not all) agender folks may also opt for top surgery. It really depends on the person, but even if you don’t really want to transition, you can still experience varying levels of dysphoria if you’re non-binary.

There are binders that could work with larger chests, though I’m not the most experienced about this (I don’t have a proper binder so I make-do with whatever safe options I have). Yeah, I do find it sometimes ironic that we end up having things we really want to get rid of but others really want. Sometimes cards are just dealt to us this way I suppose. I don’t think you have to worry too much about what others might think unless you’re in an environment where it’s unsafe for you to experiment with all that.

If you bind safely, it shouldn’t disfigure your chest or cause any permanent damage. There are certain guidelines that go with binding (don’t buy too tightly, 8 hours at most in a row as a general rule of thumb, don’t exercise intensely when binding, and you should be able to breathe comfortably without too much pain), and if you follow them it tends to be alright. If you bind all the time the compression might change the way your chest looks a little, but it shouldn’t cause anything permanent. Binding safely is something you should look into though, if you're going to try binding.

It’s so normal to be worried. I was in a constant state of doubt when I began to question my gender (and long hours overthinking every detail). It is difficult, and might feel hopeless at times, but in the long run you will be much happier in embracing who you are and not smothering or pushing away the thoughts and feelings you have. Pushing it all away is going to make you more unhappy in the long run, and although figuring out your gender isn’t easy, it isn’t impossible, and you will get there. Doubts and worries and all you will get there. Although it’s taken me quite a few months, I’ve made an incredible amount of progress and I know you can too. And don’t apologise!

Hope you’re able to move towards being more comfortable and happy with yourself as time goes on. Like I said I can't tell you who you are and a lot of that is (fortunately or not), really upon you at the end of the day, but keep moving towards what you want for yourself and you'll find the answers along the way. Take a look at the resources online and everything too; I am only one guy's perspective and you might find a lot of useful things with a bit of research. There's more and more non-binary resources out there now. Take care

 

Hello. I just wanted to answer your question about dysphoria in agender or androgyne people. I identity as androgyne for a few months now. This is my personal experience so I can't tell you 100% on what you feel. Many non-binary people get dysphoria. I personal am okay with my breast, but I know it's a dead give-away on my gender and I don't like that. One thing I do get occasionally is that I wish I had a mans genitalia. Not all the time, but some of the time. It's weird like that. But I do get this feeling. I also don't like getting my period, but which person does? I wish I would get a letter or something saying if I'm pregnant or not instead of a period. Annoying. I also wish I could get the same type of muscular look as a man. I should start lifting weights to try, but for someone DFAB, it's really hard to. Hope this helps .

 

Ya, same with my weight. I do want to go weight lifting to increase muscle, which will decrease fat. The more muscle you have, the more fat you burn while sleeping.

Have you purchased a binder? If not, you should try to do so. If you have smaller breast, you can wear a good sports bra too, which no one would care if you bought. Well, I hope they wouldn't. And have you mentioned your hatred of breast to a mental health professional? Are you seeing one? They may help guide you in the right direction. Hope this helps .

 

Don't feel bad about feeling bad - it's not the easiest of times to figure these things out and it's understandable to be a little down right now. Take your time and see if you can open any lines of communication with someone you trust; if you're not comfortable talking about it with family/friends/your boyfriend, see if you can find a safe helpline or counsellor around. Or keep posting on EC of course You don't have to be alone in this, no matter how much it feels like you are. I can't talk to my family or friends about it either, but I've found a lot of support and information online that helped.

I'm not sure exactly how to gauge whether your living environment is safe for you to experiment with your gender expression. How do people around you usually treat gender expressions that aren't stereotypically the "norm," and how do people around you generally feel about LGBT+ things? If it isn't that safe, you don't have to do anything super drastic and put yourself in danger, but even just binding at home or trying out slightly more androgynous ways of dressing could help you.

I wish you best of luck, hang on in there.

 

Hello. I think you should since you seem to express a lot of frustration at your breast. There are a few free binder give-away options for people out there who don't have financial means. I, myself, am also considering getting a binder so people can't recognize my gender, but I am unsure. I don't mind my breast, but I don't want people to assume I'm female by my looks.

And I think you should start considering telling your psychologist? It doesn't have to be soon, but think about it. I can't tell my psychiatrist because everything I tell her, she tells my mom and I don't want to come out like that. It would not be good.

 

I know your post isn't directed at me but; hey, congrats for going ahead and trying new things though, and finding something that works for you! I think it should be pretty safe to wear a sports bra around. That's the bare minimum of what I wear around every day, and as it's just generally something (or athletes) people buy and wear, I think it's okay. I don't know a whole lot though. There are ways you can bind more (and ways that I use but sometimes I need to take a few days break if it starts hurting enough), but it highly depends on the individual how safe those methods can be. You can search them up (never use ace bandages though), but the best bet and safest way to go if you want to flatten your chest more, is getting a proper binder.
Good luck with your psychologist (*hug*)

(As for answering one of your concerns above - if you're unsure how your boyfriend feels about gender things, try bringing it up casually in a discussion. It doesn't have to be about yourself, you can just mention something like "oh I saw an article today about nonbinary gender identities..." and see how the conversation goes. If you want to gauge how other people feel mentioning little things here and there might help. I'm sorry about your family and I get how that feels. For now, you don't have to bring it up to them - feel free to keep exploring your gender on your own, but get the support you need from others. Stay safe and take care.)

 

Hello. I just hope you don't wear them while sleeping. Breast need to "breathe" sort to speak.

And I hope you talk to your psychologist. I know it will be scary, but you may feel better after it. Good luck .

 

You're welcome

And if you're looking to get a binder, there are definitely good websites that sell them that can ship all over the world. As I don't personally have experience buying/using a proper binder (long story, I'm living with my family right now so) I don't know what to recommend. But you can make a post if you want about it, as so many people on EC have advice about where to get them and you'll probably get some useful responses.

I'm so happy your psychologist is accepting and supportive! It's great that you can go to her to talk about these things. I hope everything with your boyfriend goes well too. Cheers (*hug*)

 

I think that's a cool idea.

A lot of non-binary people desire a more androgynous/gender neutral body, that's common. Some things that NB AFAB people sometimes do are (one or several of the following):
Physically
- Breast reductions (or even breast removals)
- Working out to build more muscle
- Cut their hair shorter
- Let some body hair grow out
- HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy); sometimes on small doses
Socially
- Change their names
- Adopt neutral (or contrary) pronouns
- Adopt more masculine or neutral mannerisms/Allowing themselves to express themselves more masculine when they feel they want to

 

That's an excellent idea! I hope he reacts well and that you can make some progress on that front. Feel free to keep us all updated!

 

I'm sorry to hear it didn't go so well! It can be kind of upsetting when people dismiss these kinds of things when they're clearly important to you, I get that. If you think he will be suspicious, maybe let it go for a short time. But sometimes we do tend to be hyper-aware/hyper-vigilant whilst other people, since they're not in the same boat as us or know what we're thinking/feeling all the time, are actually quite ignorant and oblivious to the situation despite our worry. (If my mom knew anything about trans people she probably would've suspected something about me a long, long time ago. Some things I do are pretty obvious to me, but not to her. I had a few panics over the past few months because I was dead sure she knew about my gender stuff, but she never noticed a thing!)
Anyways, it does depend on your situation and your relationship though.

Also, he may be dismissive of the gender discussion but sometimes people are dismissive of things that don't personally hold any meaning to them; if he reacted well to your sexuality he might not react that badly if sometime you feel ready to tell him about your gender and what you're figuring out. Maybe then he'd be more interested and be willing to look into it more? Then again, this is up to your judgement. There might be some ways you can show him some non-binary/trans people in media (e.g. TV shows), without directly asking him what he thinks about it, just seeing if he has any immediate positive/negative reaction or comment.

If none of that might work, and you really think he'll react badly to this, give it a bit of time and talk things through with your psychologist in the meantime. She might be able to give you some of the advice, or at least the support needed until you find yourself slightly more prepared to tell him.

All in all, it depends on you and how you feel about the situation and your relationship when you think about how to approach this. On one hand it might be best to be honest with him, both for you and him, on the other hand you should look out for yourself too and definitely not do something you're not comfortable or feel safe enough yet to do. Ideally he should be supportive of you in this, but of course it's natural to have concerns. It's good you can talk things through with your psychologist though, and that's who I would probably turn to (apart from online support/advice), at this stage if you're still unsure.