Hello! I made a post back in December asking for help. Back then my main problem was with my sexual orientation, and my gender issues weren’t very important. Since then there have been lot of changes. I went to a therapist with my social anxiety and she helped a lot. I joined an lgbt circle where I met a lot of wonderful, super nice people. I had more social life in the last two months, then in the last three years. I even met a nice guy whom I’m kinda dating. I’m still not sure about my sexuality, but I’m probably bisexual. So everything should be nice. However. Parallel with this in the last two months, my gender related issues were getting much worse. When I see nice looking women, I’m not only feeling, how beautiful she is and how nice to be with her, but how I would like to be her. I feel more and more dysphoria with my body, disliking my features, even though objectively I’m quite good looking, and others find me attractive. Lately I’m sort of obsessed with trans themes, in my free time I’m reading trans infos, articles and forums. I was interested in this topic before, but in a more simple interest and sexual fantasy level. Now I find the idea of transitioning quite disturbing and depressing, yet I can’t stop to think about it. Also now, that I’m dating someone, and there is a real possibility of having a sex life, I was thinking about sex. I already knew that I’m not really into penetrating someone else, but now I feel, that I’m also not comfortable receiving oral sex. However If I imagine, that I have a vagina, receiving oral seems much less disturbing. To conclude this, If somebody would offer me to instantly turn me female without transition, and social complication I wouldn’t think too long, before saying yes. Now, I am really not sure about, how real is this. It only got this bad about 4 weeks ago, very suddenly. It began after I started dating this guy. Even though he is super nice and fun person, and I like being with him, hugging and kissing him, I feel that something is off. That I don’t feel comfortable being in a relationship as a guy. But maybe I’m just confused, because all of this is super new, and a bit scary. Maybe if I get to be more comfortable in the relationship, these feeling will disappear. I talked with my therapist and we agreed that I should wait and see how things will change. However I feel horrible for leading this guy on, as he is gay, so there would be no future for the relationship if I came out as trans. He is super nice, so I think he would be understanding, but he is younger than me, and this is also his first relationship, so I’m afraid of hurting him. And if it turns out, that I’m not trans, I would feel horrible for ruining something nice and promising. But I also would like to tell him, because I feel bad, that I can’t talk about this with anybody. I wanted to talk about this with some trans people from the circle I’m in, but I haven’t met one yet, and haven’t asked about it (as it would be a kind of a coming out). The other reason for me to think this is not real, is that I still find the whole thing quite sexy. The idea of transitioning is desirable, scary, and turns me on at the same time. Has anybody had a similar experience like this? Also this whole thing is kinda surreal. 3 months ago I was an antisocial shut-in who spent most of his time with his computer. Now I have social life full of friendly people, and even a date. Also have nicely developed gender issues… It feels like a dream, that will end, and when I wake up things will be simple (and bad) again. So, I would like to ask some questions about this: How much is it possible, in your opinion, that this is just a phase of confusion, that will go away, or a sexy thing that shouldn’t be taken too seriously? Do you think, that I should tell the guy I’m dating about this? Or I should wait, and see how it turns out. I’m 24, nearly 25 now. (Although I look younger.) I know, that starting transition while you are in your teens is more effective. However how harder would it get, if I wait till I’m 27 or 29? I feel like I need more time, but I don’t want to run out of time to transition. Bonus question: I’m not really masculine, which is a good thing, except my friggin big feet. I know this cannot be changed in any sane medical way. Is there anybody, who had a similar problem? Is it possible to hide it with clothing and shoes? Or will people always notice it?
Well, that's a lot, you've written. Please excuse my unintegrated manner of writing. I think it's quite normal for dysphoria to escalate when you go into a new relationship or in a relationship in general. I felt pretty similar a couple of years ago. I was dating a very nice guy and couldn't help feeling like a guy and feeling really bad when he made remarks how feminine I am. This was the point I reached the bottom of dysphoria and decided to stop playing this game by their rules. I can't tell what your finding it sexy means. I myself am completely skewed on the point of sex and I do not pay attention any more to my own turn ons. So yeah, basically transitioning turns me on, just like everything else does, just like any absurd thing that turns me on. I'm turned on by many absurd things. It is also normal to escape gender issues by withdrawing from society altogether. Do not bother if it's a phase or not. If it is - so what? If I were you I'd wait with any medical transition and permanent changes - otherwise: whatever floats your boat. Telling... I can't offer experience in this. I told my ex and then told him I was joking, like a coward. It's definitely good to keep it honest, but on the other hand if the relationship weree to fall apart quickly, there it may turn out to be too much of a hassle. Feet: I think nobody will notice them if you'll look like a woman in general. Unfortunately I'm FtM so I can't help with the specific MtF questions.
Hi. Not much time to wright. I am in a similar situation. I'm trying to reach the root of my feelings. Fantasy and physical things like dressing or transitioning could be external reflections of a deeper truth which is independent from sex, maybe even gender. Maybe the "either, or" angle is too limiting for us at the moment. Just be honest about your feelings with your friend, and listen to your heart. Be from there. And let external things remain more fluid. Don't fix anything. Cultivate a sense of inner truth which rests on your presence. Experiment and have fun =) Enjoy the adventure
Thanks for the answers, and sorry for my lack of response. The last few days were kinda chaotic. In the end I told about my gender issues to the guy I'm dating and he took it rather well. He was nice and understanding about it, and is trying to help. On the downside now both of us are nervous about this and the future of our relationship. :/ It's good that I told him, but now I feel more confused than ever. I will try to find someone in my lgbt circle who has experience with this stuff, but I'm not even sure If I want that. I would really like to forget about all of this stuff, and not to do anything with it, but it's always gets back on my mind. It's nerve wrecking.
