I've been wondering about my being genderqueer. I feel like a quite normal guy. I have a quite normal guy life and quite normal guy thoughts, it's just I'm a female (read: uterus, vagina, breasts...) and some people say I can't be a boy because of that and impose on me their vision of what a female should be. Yesterday I went with my Mom eat out and I was sitting there and envying guys my age their outfits and haircuts. The point being (even though I'm walking around my main point and not hitting it), I don't feel any different than a quite regular guy. I have interesting background, but I don't feel any different, I don't feel like I'm essentially something else. I just look that way and it's misleading, most people who have this look and physiological make-up are girls. Psychologically. On the other hand, I'm not your typical trans guy. I'm not distressed about pronouns, breasts, my body in general. I like wearing women's clothing, I like to play a woman sometimes in a dress-up way, because it's fun. And if it looks good, why shouldn't I wear it? I'm also very gay, I'm quite feminine in some sense. I like cooking (just like a couple of my neighbours, who are guys), I like art and music, I'm quite sensitive and empathic. And this sets my being a guy into question. "You don't even try to live as a man" kind of thing. If I were cis - my gender would be questioned the same way. My doubt being - I don't know if I am genderqueer or just don't give a f***. Or if this is not "You are not masculine enough, you are not a real man!" or another version of the typical "No sissy stuff". I'm a sissy - so f***in' what??? I definitely live as genderqueer, but I can't help feeling somewhat offended at suggesting I'm not 'really' a guy or at insistance on my genitals. I feel objectified when someone points out my physiology this way. Not that I'm somehow terrible offended or make fuss, or cringe when called a girl, because realistically speaking - when I look like a girl and act like one - what should I expect? Boobs are sissy? F you. Those are my boobs. And I would change this life for a different one, I wouldn't change this body to a different one. It all has its downsides, yes. But this body is a man's body already, because I am a man. I see a guy in the mirror. So what if it is an unusual body for a guy? It's just a piece of flesh. A healthy piece of flesh that serves me well. The arguments raised on why I am not a guy but have to identify as genderqueer just don't speak to me at all. I might identify as genderqueer because I see myself as a third gender, maybe, and live outside the binary. But still, it makes me confused how much I like all this femme stuff and do it on my own - if it means I feel like a woman too? But then again, there are plenty of quite regular guys who do all those things too, except for dressing up. When acting a girl, I feel a certain sense of emptiness that I do not feel about being a guy. It bothers me why I dress like this, that maybe there is something behind it? I want to become a woman a lot, I want to feel like a part of it, but I don't feel like a part of it. I'm confused about this. Anyone? Any thoughts?
I can relate to some of it. I feel like a pretty neutral guy who might only really fit into 'genderqueer' because I was born dfab. If I was born dmab, I'd probably be totally comfortable. I envy how guys look a lot too, and am not too distressed by pronouns either. I can't wear womens clothes, it feels too weird to me, but if I was a cis guy I probably wouldn't care so much. But I'm pretty feminine in other ways guess. I'm still not sure how to tell the difference, between being non-binary, or not giving a fuck, or being a transguy either. I don't think liking femme stuff can really say much about your gender, unless you associate it with a feeling of being 'female'. For example, if I put on a dress I wouldn't feel female I would just feel like I'm... well slightly uncomfortable and wearing a dress. And there are heaps of cis guys who do crossdress or act feminine or whatever but who would be uncomfortable if they were to be seen as female/were born dfab. "I want to become a woman a lot, I want to feel like a part of it, but I don't feel like a part of it. I'm confused about this." I used to feel this a lot. I think because people were putting that pressure on me, and I thought that something was wrong with me because I just couldn't relate. It's hard to separate sometimes what you feel, and how you think you should feel. Maybe think about this a bit? I relate to the feeling of seeing a male body instead of a female one in the mirror too. Lately my dysphoria has been bad though, and that's sort of up and down... I don't think I'd get surgery, but I would have liked a lot to have been born differently. Sorry I can't help more, I'm very lost about it all too and you replied to some of my posts and helped so I thought I could just put some thoughts down :icon_sad:
Thank you for replying. I think I have no clue what "female" feels like. I just feel like I dolled myself up and look like a work of art, but nothing else really. I don't even know what I was supposed to feel about this. Thank you for this.
