I feel as if I living two lives. On the one hand, there is the "female" persona I must adopt for family's sake, because I can't afford the strain of living authentically after my coming-out rejection. The "girl" who is buried in books, and quiet about things that matter, who wears a fake smile and jokes about stupid things so people will leave me alone. To pretend I'm their daughter, to pretend I'm happy, to pretend to have my shit together. But then there's me, Alec. The guy behind those blue eyes, the guy who speaks in my thoughts, and who has real fears and and hopes and dreams. The guy who is beaten down every day till he's left blubbering on the bathroom floor at 2am. I can come here, of course, and be myself in cyberspace. But in my everyday life I am so dissociated from who I really am. Constantly wearing the mask, and now the mask seems more familiar, more safe. I hate it and I hate myself for wearing it so easily, to back down from being Alec in the real world. My mind is ripping down the middle from two identities I'm trying to live. When I do get free from my family, it will be surreal. To be myself after being told "No" for so long... Doesn't even seem possible. At the end of the day, though, it feels so selfish to transition. It's all for me, and I will be disowned for it. I could stay and try to be who they want me to be - I'd lose nothing. They are my family. I'd give my life for them, but I'm running away like a coward with a dream I don't deserve. It's like I'm two people stuffed into one skin, and I have to murder my parent's daughter to be free. So I guess I am a monster after all.
Kodo, I'm not in your situation right now, but I do feel how you eel about having to live 2 lives. I'm married and I want so badly to be with a man. I am out to my wife who believes going to therapy will help me make some kind of transition although I've told her those feelings will never go away. We have to get finances in order which will take a little time, so I have to keep working with our 16 year marriage until we are in a place to where we can make the right decision for us.
You're not a monster. You're not killing your parent's daughter because they never had one. They thought they had one, and you went along with it because you didn't want to hurt them. You played the role of who they wanted you to be. But she was never real. There's only ever been one you, and that's Alec. You're not killing anyone; you're just dropping a facade you've had to keep up for too long. It's not selfish to be you. It's selfish for them to not accept it. It's selfish for them to prioritize their desire for a daughter over their son's need to be comfortable. It's selfish for them to reject their own son because they preferred the daughter he pretended to be. Believe me, I know the feeling. I came out to my parents, but I can't bring myself to talk about gender in front of my father because I know that he feels like he's losing his daughter, and every time I bring up my transness I feel like I'm taking his daughter away from him even more. I feel like I'm lying to my friends back home every time I see them because they think I'm a girl and I'm not. I feel like when I come out to them, they'll feel like their losing their friend. But just because we feel responsible for how our families and friends respond, and just because we feel like we're taking something away from them doesn't mean it's true. People who cannot accept that you being comfortable with yourself is more important than their preconceived notions of who you are, those are the people who are selfish. People who would rather force you to pretend to be someone you're not for your entire life than accept you are selfish. You are Alec, there is no one else you can be, and that is not selfish.
I know how you feel, I live a double life too between my friends and family. I had been the good girl (tho bit rebellious) for years, keeping out my "same sex" interests further away. I didn't even dig into the T issues even when I knew for years I'm somewhere on T spectrum. It didn't help I come from the alcoholic family and those issues mess even more with my life and guilt. But I'm too tired of it now and trying to get a control of my life. Against their wishes. But I want to fight for my life and live it the way I want. Best regards.
I'm here for you man if you need anything, I'm really really sorry your life is sucking right now. I don't know how to express how relatable, terrible and too common your situation sounds but you HAVE to remember there are so many others in the same boat, thats the thing I've found helps the most. Being trans is one of the most difficult things anyone can endure, so you should be very proud of yourself for being where you are now. A thousand hugs from me and everyone else on ec (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
Me too... It's much better now, though, since I moved away from home. I used to live inside my head and fantasise a lot, because fantasy and dreams were sadly more exciting than real life, in which I had to be a girl, whatever that means. I moved away and the whole transgender thing exploded. I always knew something was off, I just didn't know to what extend... I became a totally different person and surprised myself in many ways. I looked at myself and was like ... Oh screw... I'm a man? Why? How? I felt uncomfortable with my gender, but I was convinced it is normal and got told I'm not trans because I think of myself as of a woman, because this is what I was told and had no reason to question it. And I didn't understand it as a toddler, because, let's be honest: brainwashing. I'm pretending to my family, when I come back home, I try to speak in a feminine manner and move a bit more feminine than I feel like moving. I don't feel like confronting my family, although I'm giving them hints and testing them. My mom does not seem to be okey, she seems to be very not okey. It hurts a bunch. You're definitely not killing anybody. She's not "somebody", it's a mask, there is nobody inside.
Yes, it is all for you but it doesn't make you selfish because it's about self-love instead! Actually if everybody did that and put themselves first and they were coming from their heart and soul then the world would change and become much better place, I believe. But the problem is that people are not doing that. They are not listening to their heart and intuition and allow other people to hinder them from following the needs of their soul. To be ourselves, living our own life and making our own decisions, we have to break away from all those people who tell us how to live. Why should you study a subject your parents chose for you instead of something you're truly interested in? Why should you marry someone of the opposite sex just because it's expected of you? Why should you live your life pretending to be the gender you are not? etc. The way I see it, the entire LGBT community we are here to teach the World about being authentic, about being true to ourselves no matter what. The ones who came before us have prepared the way for us, now we're doing the same for the ones who'll come after us. In a way we're warriors. We fight our battles (inner and outer) and make our sacrifice in order to bring authenticity to the World. It's not an easy mission but it's worth the fight.
If anything, you caring so much about your family's desire for a daughter shows that you have a lot of empathy, rather than you being selfish. If you're selfish I'm all the more selfish. I didn't give a rat's fart what anyone around me thought, and was not understanding at all when people around me had problems adjusting and accepting; when someone is supportive or unsupportive of me or in any way brings up my identity, I just get annoyed with them. I think in the end we value our masks too much; I know I value mine roughly equally as much as I hate it. It gives some peace of mind to not be forced to stand up for ourselves, not be forced to deal with people. We have to ask ourselves the question of, between forever faking and living half-way, and being truthful but at times suffer hateful and/or insensitive comments and/or attitudes, what is worse? As for me, I think my curiosity is likely to win in the end. I just can't bear never having the answer to "what if?"