Don't think I'll ever be able to come out or transition

I'm not an only child, but I am the oldest. Not just of my siblings, but of the cousins/grandkids as well. I'm also the most 'broken', the one with all the responsibility family members give me while they also worry about me because they think I'm not right in the head or something. (This is not all my family, just the few most conversative ones, though my parents do worry about me a lot.) So I understand some of the guilt you feel. And I definitely understand going to the worst case scenarios when it comes to telling people.

I like your plan to have a gender therapist explain things. I did that with my therapist for anxiety and it does make you feel a little lighter to have a professional for any kind of support; giving my family the voice of a professional was easier than trying to tell them myself, because I was sure they wouldn't believe me.

I still have trouble with some family members. They don't want this, mostly because they don't understand. But as long as you know they love you, you have to take the risk and hope they'll be willing to try. It'll be a work in progress; I actually think my nan won't see my transition as real until I'm on T and she sees the changes. But, at least in my experience, I've seen some usually conservative people begin to view things a little differently once someone they love is part of said thing. Including being transgender. So you can definitely hope.

 

I have little personal experience with this, but a friend of mine grew up in a very conservative area. Both of his parents are conservative Catholics (as in, they wouldn't let him read Harry Potter for a long time because "magic is anti-religion") and they came around after a while and are now completely fine with him being trans and support him. His mother and sister payed him a visit when he had his top surgery etc.
I think people will be able to surprise you. Someone you thought might have a horrible reaction might be completely fine with it or the other way around.

I'm an only child an no, I did not ruin my family when I came out. After I came out my mother was frustrated, because all she ever wanted was a daughter and yes she was angry and we cried together but after a few weeks she came around as well. Nowadays she supports me 100%.
You already said that holding yourself back from coming out is unfair and I agree. Yes, not wanting to cause conflict is a good thing, but you are more than a mere copy of your parents and you should be allowed to live your own life, even if they will not always enjoy it.

 

I have a very similar situation. I'm an only child, and my mom's a single (disabled) parent. My only other family is my dad who I'm not close to at all, and my grandparents (mom's parents) who aren't exactly conservative, but old enough to still have been teenagers when interracial couples were illegal.

It is super unfair to let your family hold you back. But at the same time, it's hard not to. The thing is, they might never fully accept you, my family sure doesn't and I'm a very outspoken transgender activist and have medically transitioning for almost 2 years. But, they will learn to accept the parts they understand, and maybe even some they don't. Families have this weird way of ignoring the parts of things that make them feel uncomfortable, which is awful in its own way, but it also allows for coping. You transitioning doesn't have to change everything about your life. It'll be weird and awkward sometimes but hey, when is family life entirely perfect?

If they're against it. Then that's their problem. You are allowed to be happy. The discomfort your family members will experience from time to time is in no way more important than your own personal safety and happiness. You are allowed that. I really cannot stress that enough. Being trans is great and amazing in so many ways that no one ever talks about, but yeah the suck is still there. But you can't let that hold you back.

My family doesn't wholly except me, even now four years after coming out to them. But they have their moments. My mom just recently started using my pronouns when around me and my wife. My grandparents don't make a huge fuss anymore when I show up to visit and my voice is super deep. They're working through it in the ways they can, because they love me and while they might not understand what I'm going through, or who I am in entirety, they want to keep me around.

A gender therapist might definitely be able to help you, for many of them explaining things to parents is an integral part of their job. But it all depends on the individual and how much trust between the two of you there are.

Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Stay safe !

 

I'm on a bit of a tirade today so apologies in advance if this comes across harsh. It's meant with love.

I've shared a bit of my bi coming out story before so I don't want to rehash it and bore you all, but tl;dr version is ultra-conservative parents and siblings 20 years later are either silently accepting (parents) or legitimately awesome (my middle sister who I just came out to as trans). Fuck, 20 years, right? Meh. Water under the bridge at this point and YMMV.

Will my parents shit the bed when I come out again, wearing a super-cute top and skirt instead of just liking both boys and girls? Perhaps. But, a lesson I've learned thus far in this grand experiment of life is that I'm not going to let the fear of their response control my happiness.

So, long story short: accumulate the tools you need to break down the wall between the real you and your parents/family. Whether that's a gender therapist, a trans-friendly family friend who can ride shotgun when you come out, or even a series of YouTube videos you can sit down and watch together with them.

You fucking deserve happiness. You deserve to be real. At the end of the day, say "stand with me or get the fuck out of my way."

 

"Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh, take me back to the start.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures, pulling the puzzles apart.

Questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart." (Coldplay)

I am not an only child, but I can relate to a lot of what you've said. My family is also extremely oppositional and ignorant of trans* issues. When I came out to my parents, they said I would be disowned if I choose to transition. I am not trying to be negative or cause you to lose heart, but you must be willing to consider the cost. Many trans individuals are disowned by their families, this is just a sad fact of reality.

But that isn't every case. Often you find support where you least expected it. And besides, as I always say with friendships, if someone is going to ditch you for being your authentic self, they don't deserve you and you're better off without them. Even if you chose not to transition, is it really worth all of your adult life to struggle with a misaligned identity?

One thing I have learned is that sometimes you lose. You lose people, you get broken, you fall. But that does not have to be the end. Those who endure the worst come out the strongest. Fact is, you can't afford to live half-cocked. You have to take risks, make mistakes, and sometimes go through hell. Because it is part of truly living. If you never stand up for yourself or what you believe in, what kind of life is that?

I don't mean to be abrasive. But a lot of what you've written resounds with me, as family is the biggest area of my life that I struggle with. I know that I need to learn to let go in order to grow as a person. One day you will have to tell your family, but at the right time. In your time. "A child knows not the parent's heart," and I hope to God your parents will come to love and support you as their son.

When I wanted to come out, it seemed impossible and surreal as well. But I did it because it was corroding me. My parents were angry, sad, and confused. I knew that it would hurt them but it was my only chance to try and tell the truth. They didn't and don't support me, probably they never will, and it is my penance to live with them until I gather the means to leave my family and build myself a home. I have my answer now and it is relieving: no more doubt as to what happens of I come out or transition. Alder, the answer won't always be easy. What matters is that it is right.