... or am I just running away? The thought is... well... I curse life basically every day for that I wasn't born female. But at the same time, a lot of the time I feel like if I weigh the pros and cons of transitioning versus staying the way I am now, I'm not sure what I want. If I don't do it... well, I don't know how I'll be able to let go of all my bitterness then. And if I do, I feel like I'll have to be the center of attention, someone to throw a cheap insult at, and seen as a freak in the eyes of probably one in two people, maybe even more. I don't want to look like some combination of a skyscraper and a woman, with big hands and big feet. My confidence is so fragile, I don't think I have what it takes to pull it off. Maybe it would be better to just give it up. Maybe it would hurt less that way. I know you can't have it all in life. But as for me, it seems I can't have much at all, and it pisses me off. Well, I don't really like myself at all, and me having it like this should statistically mean that someone else somewhere has it good, so that's okay, I guess. Sigh... I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore... whatever.
You are affraid, and fear is an emotion, something irrational by definition. The honest answer is yes, this is running away. Think of it in more of a matter of factly way. You have a problem, and either you adress the problem or remain with unsolved one. What are the pros and cons... to live as that centre of attention with big hands, or to watch life pass by as a "normal" person? I am also affraid, sometimes quite terrified - of being physically attacked. However, I get to choose to be myself and keep perhaps only a handful of friends and avoid transphobic company of most people... or I can keep feeling that I'm fake even for those closest to me. The world doesn't need to like you, but you need to be yourself, even if among just few people. Fuck the rest, you know? If you have to fight and be that walking social issue... fine. But you will know you're alive in that struggle instead of slowly fading away. And that is how I want to transition - instead of miserable, I want to be bloody angry and unapologetic. If someone doesn't like it... fine, to hell with them. Easier said than done... but this is what I want to work towards. To be angry and to fight for myself... to be alive. So don't run away. Give yourself that chance to live, and if people talk... well, at least you'll know they aren't worth your time anyway. I am insecure too, and as I'm typing those words, I know I will often fail to follow my own advice...but I want to keep trying. Else, I will just loose all purpose... and I really don't want that.
Girl I used to be ashamed wearing heels. I'm 6'1. Like 6'4 in heels. In Provincetown mass I saw trans women like 6'8 in heels. Forget being trans. Cis women who are tall are shamed. Cannot let our sisters of all birth be ashamed to be tall. Love yourself and live your life.
That all makes sense. You have good reason to be bitter, and why wouldn't you weigh the pros and cons of such a dramatically life changing decision as transition? I'm also bitter. Suicidally bitter. Not about being born wrong (I feel I was born right), but about going through the wrong puberty. I can barely cope with it. My life was ruined with my body, but even a ruined life can be salvaged into something. I think in your pros and cons of transitioning you should consider that transphobia affects you no matter what. Trans people are royally screwed over by transphobia whether we transition or not, and whether we pass or not, but it's true that transitioning and not passing opens us up to even more violence. For me, the pros far outweighed the cons. I was numb and isolated before transition, but being genuine and interacting with people as myself and pursuing my goals made me feel alive, and for the first time ever I feel accepted and loved. I'm certainly at higher risk of being attacked now, but now I have allies.
I'd say that confidence comes from happiness and when you're happy no insult can truly reach your heart (it's like wearing an invisible bulletproof cloak :lol. If you're not sure what to do then ask yourself "does this make me happy?". If it does then go for it no matter what. Learn to forget all those people who tell you how to live, all you need is listen to your heart, it's your compass. Btw don't you think that so many women look the same now? I kinda find it boring myself and prefer women who are different in some way. :icon_wink
That's a great way to think. I just can't think like that though, I'm way too self-conscious. I'd burn out within months. thx I'd be from Provincetown, then. The thing is, I just hate to be a matter of public interest, so to say... Mostly I just want people to leave me alone... I've socially transitioned to a great extent already. I did it in the hope of not feeling like an empty liar anymore. But it didn't change a thing. If anything, I feel worse. Certainly I wasn't this depressed before I came out. It's like I'm too ashamed, awkward, and embarrassed to face the world in this state. In all honesty, I wish I'd never come out. At the moment, no, no it' doesn't.
One thing to add though, is that I do feel kind of happy (although I'm rarely ever "happy", more like "feel a little better than usual") when I can express myself femininely. And when I can't I feel really suffocated.
I would say that if you live in a more supportive area than that can also be helpful to you. I'll always be short with small hands and a booty that sticks out, but I'm still going to rock my too long men's shirts and my 40/30 men's pants. You go girl!!!
I felt the same way before I came out. All I can say is even though the first couple of years is rough as hell I still feel it was worth it. The validation of having the pronouns and name you want, not to mention the physical changes you'd see are drastic. You'd be surprised what estrogen will do to your body. You'll lose a LOT of muscle mass shrinking your size, lose some height, and see things you've always wanted happening to your body. I waited 27 years to come out because I was afraid of my ultra religious parents and how the world would see a 6 foot woman with a beard thicker than Chuck Norris. It's a lot of hard work, but the pay off to me was worth the pain. Now I look back on photos of what I once was and he seems like a different life. He couldn't hold a relationship longer than 2 months and felt the exact same bitterness to the point of multiple suicide attempts. My advice is brace yourself and go for it. Living as a lie because it's easier to isn't really living. And the longer you live as a lie the harder it is to escape. This is your one shot. Don't waste it and then look back full of regrets over how much time was lost.
Thanks, Sinopaa. I do intend to at least start with HRT, maybe on a lower dosage at first, to see how I feel about it. And btw... did you just say lose height? Is that possible? Your skeleton, once developed, can't really shrink, can it? That's what I thought... I mean, it's mostly minerals.
I have these thoughts too often, but I always remind myself that if I stay like this, I'm guaranteed to be unhappy while going for transition at least gives me a shot--I will grasp at that tiny shot until I am dead. The way I see it, transpeople have been dealt a shitty hand, but you can still take that shitty hand and just bluff your way to victory. It's hard and a little bit risky, but you can still walk away with the pot.
