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I feel like a caterpillar

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Matto_Corvo, Apr 11, 2016.

  1. Matto_Corvo

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    I guess I'm having a lot of doubts today about my identity. I was trying to find a way to explain to people how I feel and all I could think was that I feel like a caterpillar.

    I was born this person, this female. I moved through life and the world aware of how my body looked and how others viewed it, as a female. There were several times when I felt that my body was suppose to be more than what I currently saw. That it hadn't fully developed. Yet I didn't have much compliant towards my current body.

    I always use to watch butterflies fly about with their brilliant appreance and would feel a sort of jealousy. I knew what I looked liked, and I knew how others wished me to look, but I did want to be like the butterflies.
    I didn't realize I was a caterpillar, that eventually I would enter a phase of transition that would see me become the thing I watched with jealousy.

    Yet when I realized that I was possibly this thing I could only think about all the reasons I couldn't be this thing.
    And today, I'm thinking about that again. I'm thinking about how I don't mind being viewed as a female. I'm thinking about how I don't feel completely out of sync with my female body. It was what I happen to be born with.
    But...just because I was born with it doesn't mean it has to stay this way. I know I desire to be male, or that I desire to look like one. That when people look at me they see a male. That when I look at me I see a male. But it seems to conflict with the fact that I don't mind being viewed as female either. I know how I look to people after all.

    I'm just a confusing mess right now
     
  2. Kodo

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    I've often thought along similar lines. Although, I see myself more as a prepubescent boy. It's the natural thing for us to grow into men. We just develop in a less orthodox manner, yeah?

    Hang in there, brother. The darkness and confusion of the cocoon may feel like a lifetime, but when the growing pains are over you'll get your wings.
     
    #2 Kodo, Apr 11, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2016
  3. Pumpion

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    I've actually never thought of using a caterpillar as an analogy for transition. Although it's not technically 'transforming' into something/someone else, it makes a lot of sense for me and I'll probably be using that to explain to people why I want to transition if I get asked.
     
  4. Matto_Corvo

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    The caterpillar doesn't become something/someone else so much as it takes on a differs t form. Which is how I view me transitioning. I'm taken on a different form but I'm still the same dork before I put a cocoon around myself.

    Really what had me thinking about was the question "Does a caterpillar know it will become a butterfly?"

    Makes me think about how some of us know from the start that we'll become something other. While others of us figure it out later. But we all have this instincts that has searching for something we're missing.

    Sorry xD I have to much time to think
     
  5. Matto_Corvo

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    I find this thread to be incredibly ironic right now.

    Today I learned that female butterflies have XY chromosomes and that males have XX chromosomes. It's the opposite for humans.
    I have XX chromosomes and I am a male. Yet another reason me and butterflies are alike xD
    Also proof that what is true for one being is not always true for another