Got my T letter, but am now feeling confused...

If you feel like a male and want to be a male and take T I say go for it, its completely normal to feel feminine at times, because you're a female biologically

 

I relate to how you feel with things. There are times when I feel more feminine and less dysphoric that I can't tell the difference between "female" and "feminine". There are also times when I feel like the thought of never transitioning is depressing as hell. I'm still at the beginning stage of questioning though, but I can relate on that level at least.

Take T is a pretty big thing, and it's going to change your body a lot. I don't know if you could ask for a lower dosage or something so the effects are slower and it will give you time to mentally and emotionally adjust? Don't force yourself to take it if you're not ready for it, or because you want something else. I know that sucks you won't be able to get top surgery covered by insurance if you don't take it, but regretting T could be worse? I think you should trust your instincts either way...

I don't know... Those are my thoughts, I hope they help a bit.

 

Definitely don't force yourself to take T if you aren't ready to. If it helps, since you are on a time crunch, set yourself a deadline. Like maybe give yourself 3-4 months to seriously think about it and explore yourself a bit.

I have heard stories where trans men get their T letters and start having doubts so they wait, some I've heard up to five months.

Just because you feel a bit female at times, or even non-binary, doesn't mean you can't transition still
I see my self as a full trans male, but I still have those days where I feel female; especially in public when I'm aware that that is how people see me so I act like it to fit in better.

But really, think about what you want to do some. Talk to your therapist about it a bit more. That is always helpful.

 

It's completely normal to have doubts, and that's fine. I'd still suggest starting T though, especially since you really seem to want it! You can always stop, and honestly you don't know until you try. T works slow enough that if you don't like what it's doing you can stop whenever without really having anything change. I know so so many people who just got stuck in the should I/shouldn't I do hormones rut and actually just getting over the initial fear and doing it seems to help, even if they don't continue forever. Myself included.

 

Doubts really are a normal part of the process. Also, from what you have described, is it possible that you have fluctuating dysphoria. You still wany to be masculine, even when you feel more female. So, that makes me think that is a possiblity.

It sounds like this is something that you have considered for a while, so I would say to go for it. The doubts are very normal. I had them as well when I first started. They are not allowed to have because this is a life changing thing.

 

Congrats on working this out! ride:

I tend to be on the fence about hormones myself - some days I want to start so badly, and others, well, I'm not so sure. I don't really feel like a man or a woman, but I do feel male-ish. I've come to attribute this to being a non-conforming, and possibly non-binary male - my gender isn't fluid, but I don't feel like my expression should be limited by arbitrary things.

Keep us posted on how you're feeling! I'm hoping I can leech a little confidence from you.

 

What made me have the most doubts was how I interacted with other males. I've never had many guy friends, so maybe that's contributed, but in comparison I'm very distinctly more 'femalish' personality and so incredibly awkward that I say the most screwed up rubbish that makes them think I'm an oyster on bath salts. I've also considered it could be because of my voice sounding higher than the guys I talk to. But it is weird because all the rest of the time I just feel like my own kind of male-ish neutral self and medical transition is constantly in my head. I think I will probably try and start T pretty soon, too, cos I don't actually see any other options for myself except leading a very uncomftable and miserable life. Better try and see than wait and never know I say
Well done by the way, that's a really brave step to make and sounds like your heading on the right track :goodluck:

 

It's normal to miss, I think. I trained my voice for a long time now and managed to drop it significantly, and excersiced too. It's not hormones, but still I had a major freak-out moment that, the heck, my bone structure changed and muscles grow like on some fertiliser, and I lost a period (fortunately just one, but you can imagine how horrified I was that I might have lost it forever and will be infertile and get osteoporosis). I couldn't hit the same high pitch again, and I panicked. But after ensuring that period comes back with eating a bit more than I feel like, I thought - didn't I always wish that to happen? And yes, I did. It does make me feel better, I feel like I finally combatted this crazy nature and did enough magic to pressure it to listen to me. This piece of matter is quite plastic in fact, and accodmodates to the usage.

I sometimes... try to wear a dress, like today, and feel the nothingness very acutely. I no longer live in this role, I haven't worn dresses for so long, I can't even walk in that. I look awkward: let's face it, even though I'm a female, I'm a dude in a dress. People stare at me and some may see that. I think I kind of miss the time when I was a sweet lady who could walk in a skirt and flats. But really? I always felt awkward and a bit foreign doing that. I never really liked how I felt doing it. But I sort of miss that I'm not able to do it any more. I always wanted to be a woman, I think women are wonderful. Maybe I was raised in a kind of matriarchy, that's quite probable. My feelings in the matter are hyper complicated.

I also feel like this. I want a female athletic body, and I want to use it completely "wrong", be called "he", and wear dresses and make-up from time to time, because heck, it looks beautiful. I never really had a deeper connection with other women, it just kept frustrating me that I can't make it, I don't want people to get too close to me, it freakin' drives me mad, and I don't want them to think I have anything to do with babies or feel to them anything. But I like my body as is.

So yeah, you're not alone.