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So anxious I can barely type...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by MsEmma, Apr 11, 2016.

  1. MsEmma

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    As long as the stars align, tomorrow is the day I tell my beautiful wife of almost 15 years that she actually married a woman. Fuck. I want to throw up. I almost told her today but the timing would have been super-shitty so, nope. But, tomorrow is it. Part of me is writing this post so I hold myself to it.

    We've been talking about trans* stuff a lot lately - with the dipshittery that is going on in NC and MS, The Daily Show's awesome show on trans* issues, Bruce Springsteen's cancelling a show in NC, the assclown state rep. Gordon Klingerschmitt who is from CO Sprjngs (just south of Denver where we live), etc etc. So many openings to say "Hey babe, I love you so much and I need you to know I'm trans..." but I'm a fucking coward.

    I made an appointment for electrolysis a while back for Wednesday evening as a way to force the issue. Set a NO LATER THAN date and here I am, Monday night sitting in my garage hitting the pipe (#ThanksColorado) with only really 1 day left to do it. Fuck me running. So many of you have told your significant others and your world didn't end. Sure it sucked balls for a while or still is, but you're still breathing. Yet the only reason I'm not completely panicked is because I'm... well, not sober.

    Staring at this phone... Wondering if by this time tomorrow I'll still have a family. Wondering if she'll be ok sharing a bed with a woman for the rest of her life. Wondering if I'll lose my best friend - who stuck with me through more shit should ever be thrown at a person, but is this the last straw? It's a pretty big fucking straw.

    But, I can't be stuck in stasis any longer. I felt like I was Leia stuck in carbonite, instead of Han, all those years and and I sure as hell can't go backwards to that again. There is only out.

    So, fellow denizens of the Gender Identity and Expression corner, cross your fingers, knock on wood, say a prayer, fucking ring a bell, I don't know but please keep me your thoughts come tomorrow. :help:
     
  2. Kiran

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    Take a breath before :wink:.

    Good luck!
     
  3. Kodo

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    We are here for you.

    This burden will be lifted soon, just take it one moment at a time. You're doing an incredibly brave thing and I sincerely hope your wife will be understanding and know what a wonderful woman she has in her life. Whatever happens, stay strong, Emma.

    Best wishes.
     
  4. Lacybi

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    I wish you the best of luck, Emma. We're all here for you
     
  5. paris

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    Fingers crossed. (*hug*)
     
  6. lnamae

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    I'll be thinking of you too. It's a really big step, and it's okay to feel so anxious. Coming out to your wife, I'd imagine, is insanely hard! All the best! :icon_bigg
     
  7. Invidia

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    Good luck
     
  8. Irisviel

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    Crossing fingers doesn't work in my country. I'll "hold my thumbs" instead, because that's what we do!
     
  9. Kasey

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    Coming out to people close to you is the hardest part. Especially someone you've been married to. Your parents are the other.

    Wishing you the best. Stay strong.
     
  10. DocPJ

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    I'm brand new here...so forgive my butting in.

    Good luck. I wish I had your courage.

    I'm terrified to tell my husband he married a man. A gay man. *sigh*

    Bless you darlin'. My thoughts are with you.

    Just remember...courage is enduring for one moment more.

    ===Doc
     
  11. Hats

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  12. Alder

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    Best of luck Emma. We all stand by you and hope it goes well. Super proud of you (*hug*)
     
  13. Matto_Corvo

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    Best luck. I hope it goes well.

    Just remember to breath
     
  14. MaddieRawr

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    I think a lot of others here know how you are feeling. I myself have been questioning my gender identity and wonder how my wife will deal with it. This seems like a good place to come for support. Best of luck to you, I hope everything goes well <3
     
  15. MsEmma

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    Well... It's at least out there. No going back now. I'll give you the Reader's Digest version for now with a full rundown later when I have more time. First, she was shocked. She thought I was going to tell her I had an affair or something. Shock moved into Disbelief - questioning if this was some fad, hip & trendy thing. (umm, yeah, lots of 39yo dudes like to be all hip & trendy and say they're actually chicks to their wives of 15 years, right?) Then, she moved solidly into Anger. Not throwing-shit-anger, but lots of raised voice, challenging & questioning... saying it was selfish to do this when it was going to affect her & the kids, not to mention me and my law practice. This went on for a bit...

    Anger hung out with Controlling - wanting me to make promises re: delayed timelines for HRT, electrolysis, not wearing female clothes in front of the kids, etc. Instead, I told her I promised I would take all of our concerns and welfare to heart before making any decision that impacted us. She was also angry I had hid my clothes, wig, etc from her & spent $$ on stuff. (Perhaps TMI, but a little humorous in hindsight, she was pissed that I had on nicer panties then she did. She didn't believe me when I told her I was wearing some so she said "No way, let me see!" ... "Fuck, those are nicer than mine! Mine have holes in the them!!)

    BUT, after more conversation and even a couple of laughs, at the end, we hugged, had a quick kiss, and she said "You're stuck with me." Couples therapy consult is in so, it's looking up. :slight_smile:

    I'm sure it won't be all rainbows, unicorns, and ice cream going forward but FUCK I'm glad I'm on the backside of that conversation. :eusa_danc
     
    #15 MsEmma, Apr 12, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2016
  16. jaska

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  17. Matto_Corvo

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    Proud of you (*hug*)
     
  18. OutofZCloset

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    Emma...I have a question. If you do transition to female completely and your wife would accept you as a female would you be staying with her and living as a lesbian couple? I hope that is not too personal. :slight_smile: I'm just learning about the trans community so I have a lot of stupid questions that I feel embarressed to ask.
     
  19. MsEmma

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    No worries - yep, that's my plan. To the outside world, my wife and I will look like a lesbian couple. We'll see how it goes. Today is Day #1. :icon_wink

    FWIW, many trans* people don't have bottom surgery (for several reasons - just don't want to, cost, etc) so in a formerly straight marriage, they'd still have the same type of sex they had before transitioning, it'd just look different either from the waist up or before they got undressed. Make sense?
     
  20. Invidia

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    Well, her reaction wasn't ideal at first but it seems she thawed a fair bit fairly quickly. Good luck in the future too.