I probably haven't been back here in 6 months, but today I decided I need to. I have a whole lot of things to get off my chest, and I could use any advice that you could give. Just a warning, this will probably be super long so I won't mind if no one has the time to read this. About 6 months ago, I was pretty active on the forums and finally decided to come out to my mom as trans (mtf). I made a thread on it, and it went seemingly well. I told her how I felt through a letter and she sat down and talked to me after. She was pretty accepting of my feelings and wasn't mad or upset, but also didn't fully agree with how I felt. She said that I should give it time and stop browsing forums for this as it might be influencing my thought process. At first, I was angry that she could even suggest leaving the people that had helped me through this. I ended up agreeing anyway, and took a break from here and the other message boards I used. I'm coming back now to say that nothing has really changed. I did kind of forgot about the whole thing since I was busy and couldn't even think about starting to transition at the time, but the feelings have all come flooding back recently. This is how it has happened for probably 4 years now, I shrug it off and say I'm fine how I am then a month or so go by and I feel like I'm going to die with how unhappy I am. Now, I'm not totally unhappy with how I am right now, it's just that I know I would be much happier as a female. It's not like I absolutely hate my body or hate being a guy, in fact there are times that I'm content to be one (albeit rare). I have been told by my friends that I'm very attractive (although I personally don't see it, which might be from my desire not to be a guy) and I get hit on fairly often (not trying to be conceited or anything). It's not that I think I would look better as a girl or that I hate how I look as a guy, it's just that I would much prefer to be a girl. My major problem here is the gate blocking my path. Apart from the tons of time and money it would take to transition, I also have to worry about coming out to the rest of my family (which are mainly Christian and I doubt they would be overly supportive) and I'm terrified that I wouldn't pass. The last point is the heavy hitter for me. I have already decided that the money and time could be done, and that I would be transitioning for my own happiness (and not to keep friends/family happy with me). But that last point is what scares me beyond belief. I am very tall (about 6'1") for one thing and I just can't see anyone thinking I am a girl. I know some women are just as tall, but to me it seems like I would stand out straight away. On top of that, I feel like I would be an ugly girl as opposed to a decent looking guy. I know this is a stupid/shallow reason to not pursue my happiness, but I would rather live the rest of my life as a guy than transition and be unhappy with how I look (or even worse be pointed and laughed at in public). I was once told that the easiest way to determine if you are trans or not is the button test. Basically, if someone set a button in front of you that would instantly turn you into the opposite gender but you could never go back, would you press it? The answer for me is 100% a yes. The problem again, is that it doesn't take into consideration any of the previous worries I have about the whole thing. I just really don't know how to feel. I could live a fairly happy life as a guy and always wish I had transitioned, or I can take a chance and jump and hope that it won't ruin my life. If it were possible to see into the future and see what I would look like and if I was happy with the changes, then it would make this so much easier. Again, I don't know what I expect from this. I don't know if I'm expecting anyone to actually read through all of this and give me advice or if I'm just typing this to vent (or a combination of both). I guess the main thing again is that I'm not horribly unhappy with my life as is. I just know that I would be much happier if everything worked out in the end.
I really don't have good advice to give. You've probably heard it a million times but I'll say it again. Cis-women can be tall. My aunt is 6 foot, and my mom is 5'11. They are even very masculine appearing in the face, and almost every AFAB person in my family has to shave off facial hair either daily or every once in a while. Despite this no one has ever approached them and called them a trans woman. No one comes up to a lady and immediately thinks "I bet she use to be a guy." You'll pass. Maybe not right away, but the further you go into transitioning the more you will pass, and I'll bet you'll be a stunning beauty as well. I recently read an article about a transdude who knew that they could live happily as a girl that wishes of transitioning. But he didn't see why he should settle for that when he was certain that he would be much happier as a man. So you could live happily as a guy wishing to be a girl, but why should you settle for less than what you want? You know what you want. You know what you want won't be easy to obtain and that there will be many who will have a negative reaction to it. Don't let fear of the unknown keep you from going after the life you want and deserve.
^This. It is not my place to tell anyone whether they should transition or not, but I think your own happiness should be the most important factor you consider. I have a similar situation with my extended family, who I cannot see being accepting, and I dread having to come out to them. However, I am only trying to be happy and be myself, and if they disagree with that then I don't think their acceptance is really worth it. I have already done what my family wanted for 20+ years and I think it is time to start living my own life. I don't think you have to absolutely hate yourself all the time to transition. People change careers, partners, all sorts of things because they are not as happy as they could be with something else. I see no reason why this should be different. Also, welcome back! I also took a break from forums a few months back, mainly because I was really busy and focused on other things, and I too found nothing really changed. It was good for me to realize that I remained trans even when not thinking about gender constantly.
I just worry so much about everything. I would need hormones, bottom surgery, possibly facial surgery, an adam apple shave, and a lot of electrolysis. I just don't want to transition and look at myself in the mirror and see a science experiment (I know that's extremely exaggerated but I really lack confidence). I have an image in my mind of my perfect life. It includes me (a nerdy lesbian) and my imaginary girlfriend (also a nerdy lesbian) living together, playing video games, going to conventions, watching anime, and just being happy. This image makes my heart so happy that I can't stand it. Then I realize that I'm getting older and am still miles away from being this person I want to be. I realize that maybe I won't ever meet that girl of my dreams who shares my interests because the people in my age group don't share those interests. I already get weird looks in public wearing anything game or anime related, like I shouldn't be interested in those things at my age. My mind just goes crazy with all this stuff, I really wish it was as simple as pressing a button. I'm not interested in a lot of things that are considered "girly", but I do have a sense of style for my female self in mind. I just don't know what to do, I feel like I need someone to push me. I know it's what I want deep down, but it's just too scary to try.
Age doesn't effect transition, height doesn't effect transition. Estrogen is literally a wonder drug. Like, it gets shit done. Really. Don't let your fears hold you back, getting started is the hardest part. But when you finally get going and the momentum pushes you forward, you'll never want to go back. Accepting yourself is difficult but don't like the 'maybes' hold you back. No one can read the future, so why not try to make it your own, yanno?
I don't have a lot of personal experience with the trans community or related issues but I believe being true to yourself and being happy is of the utmost importance. Why don't you take things slow, take baby steps to measure how comfortable you feel. Regardless if you decide to physically change your body through surgery/hormones, remember attractiveness is not only about physical appearance. Someone or someone's out there will find you sexy/attractive/beautiful especially if you feel it about yourself. I just wanted to say the image you described here put a smile on my face too (super cute):icon_bigg I recommend joining some nerdy oriented/anime clubs, groups, or just going to some cons on your own if you have to. There's people into that stuff from ages 7 to 60+, so trust me your not too old to like that, actually your not even old at all! The majority of my t-shirts are anime/game/band related and I love it! Almost always get compliments on it too, just be a little confident.
The worst part is that I'm really not shallow about how other people look at all, just myself. The other day I met this girl who stopped by my work. She had glasses an inch thick, her hair was faded from dyeing it so much, and she had bad acne. But, she was absolutely adorable. She had this Grimmjow bag with her and was in film school. She was super fun to talk to, and her personality alone made her beautiful to me. Comparatively, if I see one little flaw in myself I feel ugly no matter what. It's a personal flaw I guess >.> It would probably help me a lot if I had a good friend who was either going through something similar or who was super supportive of me. I'm sure my friends wouldn't abandon me if I told them, but they also probably wouldn't look at me the same either. It's so easy to just put it off. I get home and immediately hop on my computer and drown out the outside world, it's my personal escape. I just wish I didn't have to escape, I wish I had someone holding my hand along the way. I guess the worst case is that I meet a counselor and start HRT, then stop down the road. Not sure if that has any adverse effects, but I'm assuming not.
I watch to many motivational videos on YouTube and try to apply them to both my dreams and my future transition; especially when it comes to fear and doubt https://youtu.be/ztChrYW_25w This is the one that is helping me today, maybe it will help you as well.
I'm gonna point out that I've seen videos and pictures of beautiful transwomen whom if you saw their pre-transition appearance, you could never ever think that they could ever be a purty girl. There are so few ways to absolutely positively identify a transwoman and not only do 99% of people not look for them, they're all fairly easy to cover up with some practice.
That's all true, and I plan on trying to at least find a counselor to talk to about it before I do anything else. Honestly at this point, it's just going to take a little bit of a push. If I meet with someone and they do evaluate me as trans (if that is how it works, idk) then I will go through with it. It's just such a huge choice to make and it's scary so I get caught up thinking about all of the what ifs. I used to follow a few mtf women on tumblr and they were beautiful. I wish I had their strength to just go through with it, especially a couple years ago. I know I would be happier to be already in the process. It just comes down to all the things in the way like money, family, and getting everything started and planned. If I can at least afford a couple sessions to see someone then the HRT itself I should be okay. Then from there I can work out a more extensive plan and get my finances in order. The rest can be worked out in the meantime, I just need to get the courage to start it all. I will probably have to keep it all secret (might keep my mom in the loop) in the meantime, then move away and start all over from there. It seems too messy to explain the situation to everyone and change my name and such in the same town. Idk, just a lot to think about.
