I can't really make up my mind on how far I want to transition. At first at the very beginning of questioning I thought that surgery and hormones were extreme for what would make me comfortable... Now I'm not so sure. Because as things are now, they're often very up and down in terms of comfortable When I break down the steps... I'm not really sure what I want. I want a whole "male" body, but I'm really averse to surgery. I'm terrible with blood, and I know I obviously won't see it, but the thought of what would need to be done makes my skin crawl a little. Like, even if I was dying from something and the only way to survive was to get an operation I would probably be like... Errr... Are you sure there isn't an alternative? How long do I have otherwise? I don't know why, I know people obviously don't like surgery... I really don't mean to offend anyone by that too. I don't know. Then there's testosterone, and I think I'd be pretty fine jabbing myself with a needle, but I don't want to be a manly man, just like... the minimum to pass, and I think I could probably achieve that anyway without it if I work hard enough on my voice and body, although it's not going to be really the same... Also, bottom surgery. This I wouldn't get done. Nope. So I fear that even if I do the other things, I'll be at the end of it all still feeling "incomplete"... Basically, I wonder if it's all worth it. I'm going to try harder at passing first, and see how far I can go and be comfortable with myself. Just a little surprised now that I'm considering further steps... I think a lot of it's paralleled self-acceptance. Has anyone else felt surprised by how much of a want/need things become once they've understood their gender more and accepted it?
Well, I used to secretly identify as non-binary before I accepted femininity. Like, I would say to myself I'm not really a guy, but I'm surely not a woman, too. Sort of like some people identifying as bisexual because the denial is strong enough to actually convince them it's true even though they later realise it isn't. So if this is what you're asking about, then I suppose yes, The more I accept the idea of being a woman, the more I want to make changes and start living as who I am.
Oh yes. I crossed the line and can't go back and be happy again, once I have tasted what it's like to be treated like a man, how cool it feels to wear men's clothing, to be a gentleman... It looks like I'm going to transition socially completely or almost completely. I'm thinking that um, I'm changing my gender... And it is incomprehensible to me. I would have never suspected myself, I didn't ever "feel like a boy", I wasn't a tomboy, nothing. I've heard the FtM stories and was like "I don't want THAT... So not me. I am a girl obviously, I like being a girl. Boy trapped in a girl body, everybody mistakes him for a girl, that must suck. I'm happy I'm not trans. I don't want to be a boy, boys are so awful and nasty" But here we go... I'm sitting here and trying to present as male in an at least a bit convincing manner, and mentally preparing myself to outing and demanding guy treatment. Same, it would frustrate me even more to have surgery and see it's not exactly the cis thing, than to just do nothing. I prefer to embrace what I already have or use some plastics than try to change it. The way I see it... There will always be something that makes me a "not a complete man". So fuck being a "complete man", or "being a man" or a "real man". I'm gonna be me. If I'll want one day to get top surgery or T - then I will. If I don't want it now or think it's unnecessary risk - then I won't do it and I'm still me and have every right to ask and fight for what I want.
Yeah emerry, I can relate a lot to what you said actually. I feel like I've been progressively crossing a line and now things are just like... well. That was unexpected. Although looking back, there were a heap of things that I just never paid attention to but after reflection make me really wonder... I dissociated with being a "man", but I still associated with being "male" in a lot of ways. I would say that I'm very neutral at center, so it was easy enough to fit into "female" expectations and not understand that for a while. I'm still very hesitant with a label and coming out though... But I've come to accept and understand that a lot more. I hope everything goes well for you when you do come out. Irisviel, yeah, that's basically what I meant I think. Thanks for sharing your experience in that way. I understand what you mean about paralleling it to some gay people identifying as bi for a while in transition to self understanding and acceptance.
