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Updating of an old fella here! I am doing awful!

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by hispanicninja9, Apr 15, 2016.

  1. hispanicninja9

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    I'll try to keep this short because I have things to do.
    These are some reflections that I have made in the past months.
    Say what you want. This is a spiral and it never ends. It is driving me crazy.

    1) I like having boobs and a vagina.
    2) I don't like being fat.(Though that doesn't have to do with gender).
    3) I like the colour pink.
    4) When I think of myself performing an action(like speaking), I can think of myself as: a) a male person I know or b) a female person I know. Usually these people are celebrities(youtubers, actors, etc.) because I know how they tend to move and/or act, at least in camera.
    5) I sing, and when I sing, I think I have some of a male-ish voice. It depends on what kind of music I am singing, though.
    6) I don't like wearing much make up. I just use foundation everyday and never paint my nails. However, I used to like painting them when I was around 15.
    7) I think people have the right to identify with the gender they prefer and I respect it whenever they want me to call them by a certain pronoun. However, I feel bad for transgender people, because I know they live with fear and face discrimination everyday, and I have no idea why someone would want to live a life like that. For some people(not everyone, but some, like non-binary identities), I think it would be much easier to "stay cis". I also think that this whole non-binary/infinite number of genders thing we are witnessing today is just a trend and it will be over in some years from now.
    8) Someday I want to be skinny enough to wear a tux and be read as a man, even if it is only for one night. I say "skinny enough" because I don't want to look like a fat guy. Being the case(being fat and having an elegant party), I'd rather wear a dress. At least I would have boobs to show and not hide.
    9) I have always have more girl friends that male friends. Actually, I have had only one male friend and when I knew him, I read him as a girl, because he is transgender. I feel more confortable around other girls and when I was younger, I wanted to go to an all girls school because I hated 90% of the boys in my class.
    10) My hair is short and I don't really like it. Yes, it is comfortable, but 95% of the time it looks like it needs serious hairdresser help. It doesn't look right.
    11) When I was 15 and didn't have gender questioning problems(that is how I am going to call them from now), I used to upload a lot of pictures on Instagram. I look at some of them now and I really like how I looked.
    12) I want my wedding to be super elegant, in a church(though I am not religious and hope my partner/more probably husband isn't either, but just to please mom and myself, a little), however I don't know if I want to wear a dress. I mean, if I wore a tux it would look like a gay wedding, and I don't think it would be a gay wedding. Hm, I'll have to just wear a dress.

    I can't come up with more and I am really hungry so I'm going to cook something.
     
  2. darkcomesoon

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    To me, it sounds like you're a cis girl. In fact, nothing you described sounds unusual for cis women to experience. Can I ask exactly what has caused you to question your gender?
     
  3. hispanicninja9

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    Hello, sorry for not coming bak in so many days. I am usually afraid of what people can say here. They're generally nice, but I also say awful things sometimes...
    What made me question my gender.
    Well, this night I was at my dad's, using the laptop, and I read something about non-binary genders. Since then, I have been searching for answers to questions such as what is exactly male or female, what is disphoria, etc. I know a lot of things now. Well, at least I have answers to some things.
    I learned that you don't need to have disphoria to be transgender. I have a trans friend, ftm, and he says he doesn't want bottom surgery, he feels comfortable with his vagina. So I can either question this statement(you do not need to feel disphoria to be transgender), questioning my friend's gender identity(that is something I wouldn't like to do because I don't want to lose him as a friend), or accept it, and keep my friend as the guy he says to be, but with the rest of the questions that come after that remaining opened. Questions like, what do you need, then, to be considered transgender? Well, the answer is easy to say: not fully identifying with the gender you were asigned at birth.
    Easy to say.
    But not easy to understand.
    What is identifying, exactly? What is gender? Should I, or we, ignore this eternal questions and just think about what we feel? What is feeling of a certain gender?
    And that is what keeps me up at night and makes my life miserable. Not knowing. Not knowing, and not having an answer I am happy with. Because before this, before I started with this sh*t, I was sure of who I was. Yes, I liked some stuff that is generally attached to the opposite gender(I didn't know how to put male/men in this context), and when I liked girls, I liked to act boy-like around them, so they could maybe feel that I could protect them or something like that. But that was it, there weren't further questions.
    And that is it. Maybe some people can go through the process of destroying one's previous idea of apparently very simple things without rethinking the aspect of their life that idea has relevance on. I couldn't. What made me a woman or a girl? I didn't and I don't have an answer. And I want to find an answer that confirms that I am in fact a cisgender girl. That would make me have the life I have always wanted(well, not make me have the life necessarily, but you get what I say). Because being trans is really, really complicated. Not only for the transition, but for the fact that every time you say who you are, you are making a political act. You are denying something you and the people near you believed in for a lot of years. That can lead to problems of all kind and that is one thing that make me respect transgender people a little more.
    But my life is already complicated for that. Don't want.
    Also, having short hair doesn't help at all to make people or me think I am a girl. I like how I have it right now, I look cute, but just... I don't like the fact that it makes me look like a guy 100% of the time.
    I don't know. I hate staring at the mirror. I don't know nothing and that makes me feel bad. I wish I could go back to when things were simpler.
    Anyway, thank you for reading!
     
  4. Delta

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    There will be people who were never nonbinary in the first place, or people who will grow and change into something else with time, but I think the only reason for the "trend" to die out will be nonbinary people going back in the closet because the social attitudes towards us are so exclusive, belittling, and demeaning. The bisexual community went through this too... I think it's worth reconsidering your perspective.

    The widespread attitude that I am largely a joke is very painful. And for many, many trans people both binary and nonbinary, the worst of their pain is caused by social rejection and backlash. If we stop propagating the message that being trans is inherently painful and miserable, maybe there could be more widespread acceptance, and being trans wouldn't have to be so miserable or painful.
     
  5. Mihael

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    I think almost nothing you said in the first post says anything about your gender. These are gender roles and stereotypes and they are arbitrary. Your gender is pretty much if your brain is built like that of the rest of your sex and how much you reassemble them. It results in how you relate to other people, if you can relate to other females or not, and if you can relate to males.

    There is a difference between acting a certain way because you find it fun to do and acting a certain way because it is your natural reaction.

    It sounds as if you could be cis, becuase you said you would prefer to go to a girls' school, and you say you like to act like a guy, and it sounds like acting from what you like. You also don't like looking like a guy and don't like others to think you are a guy. Of course, you might not be able to articulate your feelings right and it might not be the case, but think about it. Think what is genuine to you, what is an automatic reaction, and what is not, about what you have to think. I personally struggled with a layer of what I thought I should feel and made myself believe things that were not real.

    One does not "stay cis", one is not cis in the first place and decides to disclose it in this world that assumes everyone is cis - or not. You don't feel gender. It's who you simply are.
     
  6. ThatOneAlien

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    Well, you have specifically said that you dont want to be perceived as a man, and considering you don't think non-binary genders are real, it is unlikely you are non-binary, so that basically leaves cis.
     
  7. hispanicninja9

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    Thank you for your replies, in the first place
    I know I said some mean things, but to find the truth, you have to be honest and sometimes, mean.
    I want to find the truth.
    What if the truth is that non-binary genders ARE real? And I am just ignoring it? And, if they are real, what tells me that I am not non-binary?
    I think I'll never find an answer because everybody has different answers and that is not exactly uplifting.
    But maybe I am analyzing it too much. Wish I could stop doing it.
    Again, thank you :slight_smile:
     
  8. darkcomesoon

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    Are you comfortable being a girl? Do you want to be a girl? Then you are one.

    Here's how I define my gender: I am a guy because I want to be male physically and socially, and when I look in the mirror I see a guy, and that makes me comfortable. My brain seems to be wired to think I'm a guy, and I'm more comfortable being one.

    You are comfortable being female physically and socially, and you don't like looking like a guy. It sounds to me like you are cis.
     
  9. ThatOneAlien

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    I agree with darkcomessoon, make sure you are thinking about how you want to see yourself and have other people see you. If you just think about abstract feelings of gender you'll just end up more confused. If you think you may be non-binary, I'd suggest doing more research on the subject. If you can find any non-binary people, ask them about their experiences. Watch Youtube videos. I think it'd help you to have some faces to put with the definition.