I'm going back and forth in my thoughts, I can't decide whether to come out as trans or not. I dressed more androgynous for a week or so, to the point that strangers were confused about my sex, nobody trated me like a "girl", I hung out with the guys... I bought a sports bra to bind. I'm definitely better. I'm having like, this perpetual doubt. If I am trans or not and how. If it is societal bullshit or not. I can't stand being treated like a "girl" (dysphoria?). Fact. But females don't always get treated like "girls", provided that you behave or look a certain way, and especially if you confuse the viewer first. I do not mind being seen as female, I mind being treated like a "woman" or a "girl". Sometimes, like in official situations, I'd put on a dress and like, I'm fine with all the etiquette. Sometimes I dress quite feminine (in the fashionable manner), and I'm actually enjoying being treated like a lady, but I have a feeling that I'm acting. I default to behaving like a guy. But if it persists too long... Nada. I go crazy. I'm not joking, I start feeling bad, I get headaches, nausea, can't sleep, start being restless, I cry, I feel trapped. That's the only discomfort I get from my gender, I guess, apart from the fact that I regret that I was trying to be girly so hard and so long, and I missed so much. That's more expression part isn't it? I'm sad I didn't discover video games before and that I wasn't brave enough to buy men's clothing, it looks so cool, that I never played football in school. Otherwise, it's fine. I do not know what I feel like any more. I can relate much better to males. I am against defining gender feelings via dysphoria, especially body dysphoria. I mean, if it works for someone else, fine. But being fine with my body does not mean I feel completely female or female at all. It could be being oblivious too. I have no other means to explain my lifelong fantasies of becoming something socially different than a "girl", of dreaming of being a guy, to explain my attraction to masculinity. Maybe that's just my environment putting too much stress on gender roles? Maybe I'm just a hardcore tomboy pressured to be a girly for her whole life. But then - do I feel female? What does that even mean? I think that asking about body parts is a nonsense question, I'm enjoying those, and would enjoy the other too. Although... cis guys don't have periods and a utuerus, that would be a plus. And being a default top. But it's actually cool to be a tomboy, you can enjoy all the perks of being one of the guys and you can date one of your buddies. How cool is that? And less stigma on soing sissy stuff. If I were to come out, I would like to say something that I feel to be true and which makes sense somehow, that I would be able to explain. I have a definite masculine lean, I like to think that I'm 70% masculine and 30% feminine, but I'm not particularily sure how it relates since masculine =/= man, and feminine =/=woman.
Hi, I hope someone is able to give you a trans perspective. Since you're unsure which side you fall on though, I'll give you a cis girl but boyish to the core perspective. I've always liked men's clothes and "violent" video games and playfighting and rock music. I've always thrown fits over dresses (though I have worn them on occasions out of perceived necessity) and I've never been able to relate to most things girls like. Though I have the guilty pleasure of watching the Real Housewives. I hate it when I am told to act like a lady... it makes me less confident and ever so slightly anxious... or even when my mum tells me I'm "becoming a lady", and when guys don't wanna hang with me, and when people write off stuff I love as something boys are into etc. I did also have 2 periods in my life where I dreamt of being a guy, once when I was 4-8 when I tried to convince everyone I was a boy and one was 13-14 where I would fantasise about how cool it would be to be reborn as a guy. However, the reason I am cis is because being a girl seems sort of irrelevant to me. I don't mind that I'm a girl, I just want freedom to be a tomboy. Female pronouns don't bother me and I don't hate the freedom to be a little girly if I'm ever feelin it and I like being able to take on some girls things in my own way. And although I have fantasised as my life as a boy... actually thinking about actually living this one life as a man doesn't seem like something I want. I like things as they are I just want to express my boyishness more because it makes me feel better. I can't give you anything other than that because I am cis. I just want to give you an example of how your feelings can relate somewhat to a cis person, and allow you to see if you relate to what I said and help that decide whether you feel like a boyish girl like me, an actual boy, or something else.
I like your perspective. Actually, I can't relate to trans people very much. Most go on about body dysphoria or how they hate being called this or that, and me... meh... I just have a subliminal anxiety when it comes to gender, something is not sending coherent signals. I think I'm a lot less boyish than you , Shach I didn't pretend to be a boy ever, I was angry at boys for no reason, and tried hard to be girly. I was a real TryHard at it. I was like... so girls are supposed to do that? I guess so, I'll do that then, I'm a girl in the end. I was always somewhat out of place, even though seemingly gender-conforming. I was sitting there and... http://cdn.myanimelist.net/s/common/uploaded_files/1444104475-baf165630dfc56c97554fd59bdf95593.jpeg ... thinking "Hmmm.... Peculiar. Very peculiar. But... Monkey see monkey do". I feel like an alien when lumped with even most tomboyish girls. I don't know how you can be so sure you're cis. Not that I'm doubting you are, you probably have good reasons to identify this way, I just wonder how you know that. I do not have any idea what it means "living this life as a man/woman". Or what it means "freedom to be a little girly". Whatsoever. I think it sucks that men wearing dresses and other feminine clothing are stigmatised.
Honestly, trans isn't something you ARE, it's something you choose to identify as. No one can tell you whether or not you need to identify as trans, and if you feel like that isn't you then it's not. That being said, presentation and the ways you find yourself acting have basically no say on what gender you are. I'm a trans man but really really enjoy wearing lipstick and dresses. That's who I am and honestly it doesn't matter whether the label 'trans' was in there or not. Being a tomboy is also more or lessly separate from gender. Have you looked around at the term 'agender' at all?
Actually, my questioning was agonising and self-doubt before coming out. I already did come out today as a guy to my bf and... I'm awfully happy and relieved.
