When I first made this life discovery and started doing research I had decided that I identified more as non-binary. “Yes, I was trans, but I was happy the way that I was. I didn’t need surgery or hormones to be ok with who I was. I don’t have any kind of dysphoria about my chest. I don’t want hair to grow all over my body. It would be such a pain in the ass to have to shave my face all the time. I don’t need to change my name or pronouns. She/her/girl, those words don’t bother me. It doesn’t bother me being a girl physically. Shit, I honestly don’t even have to tell anyone because Im not going to change anything about myself”…. Or so I told myself. As time went on I would have thoughts here and there. Thinking about what it would be like to have top surgery. Slowly piecing together all the shame and discomfort I have felt over the years about boobs, and bras. My entire life when I would take off my bra at night I would hide it because I was embarrassed of someone seeing it. What grown women is afraid of another women seeing her bra?... The more I think about it the more I want them gone. “Body hair is gross and I would hate to have to shave my face all the time.” Yet, I shave my armpits and legs now and if I had hair all over then the only thing I would have to shave would be my face. Plus, it would be pretty cool to play around with different mustache styles and goatees…. Hair really isn’t all that gross. Even though I can pass as a man, every time I talk my soft voice gives me away. I also have a very feminine figure. It would be really great if my men’s clothes actually fit how they should. My big hips always make my shirt fit me wrong…. Maybe hormones are something I would take. Now picture a man with a bad ass goatee walking up to you and saying his name is “Teresa”…. Teresa. God I have always hated that name. Its so dainty and girly…. Girl. Girl. Girl. Every time someone says a version of “You go Girl” to me I have to fight the urge to throw something. Girl. It makes me cringe. Now wait a minute. Im 100% getting top surgery. Im day dreaming about having facial hair and a deep voice and small hips. I really can’t stand the word girl. I had even been toying around with different names. Chris. Well if I chop off my boobs and start growing facial hair I think my family and friends will start to notice so…. This has been my journey for the past year. I have now told close friends, I bind my chest, and am looking for an affordable therapist and doc so I can start hormones. I also introduce myself as Chris now. Soon I will tell my family. Yet Im still growing and learning about myself. Every day is a new adventure and I hope it just keeps getting better.
