Before I begin, I just want to warn you that I'm not very good at explaining myself concisely and properly, so this will most likely be long winded and very ramble-y, so please bare with me. Ok, so I'm a pre-everything MtF, it's only been a couple of weeks since I've actually identified myself as being transgender, but I have so many questions... And to be honest, I think about them so much that it's dragging my mood *WAY* down. Again, forgive me if I waffle or somehow offend someone, it's not my intent. I don't even know if this is the correct place to post this, and it's my first serious post... So yeah. Anyway, moving on to my thoughts. Is what I'm feeling even real? I have some doubts that what I want to happen is actually something I truly want, and not just caused by some other underlying issue or whatever. Like, I keep thinking stuff like: "maybe I feel this way because I'm jealous of my friends GF" or "My life is incredibly boring right now, i need a big change". I know that these are crappy excuses to justify what I'm feeling, but I also know that they're JUST excuses, and not the real reason. Something inside me is just constantly telling me "you're unhappy with your assigned gender", and whenever I try to explain this to literally anyone, I can't give them a reason for WHY I feel that way. I just do... And because of that, I literally feel scared to go to a GIC or begin any sort of medical transition, just in case they ask questions I can't answer and put all of this down as some unrelated mental condition that I don't know about. Can't complain or express distress I was just talking to one of my friends, basically complaining to him that I can't complain, simply because no one I talk to fully understands the extent of what I'm "going through". I say that in quotes because I hate saying it like that, it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. Anyway... I have so many things I just want to say to the people around me, but I really don't want to put unnecessary emotional load on my friends. I don't expect any of them to carry me, just because I can't carry myself. So I'm sorta forced to just..... Deal with it? I've tried talking to my school's counselor about this, and she reckons that I talk to people who've already gone through what I'm going through, so that's why I'm making this forum post. But still, I don't want to bother any of you who are reading this. I don't even expect ANYONE to read this. Discomfort in expressing my new identity I've chosen my new name to be Geórgía, I've even set my profile name (I won't say on what platform) to something that closely resembles that so I (and others) get used to seeing that name and associating it with myself... I've even said to pretty much all of the friends I'm out to that if, and ONLY if they're 100% comfortable calling me that, they can.... But any time I'm referred to as Geórgía, or as a girl by any of my current friends, it just feels.... Off. It doesn't feel right, y'know? But here's the thing, I don't get the same feeling with people I meet online, simply because they know me as Geórgía, and no one else. They don't know who I am, do I can be completely myself to them, but if I'm myself to my current friends, it feels so wrong. Sometimes I even wear a wig while playing as my new name to feel more feminine, and of course it feels awesome and liberating, but I just hate the thought of my friends knowing... Regret for "coming out"? This directly stems off the last paragraph... I feel that I somewhat regret coming out to my friends. Yeah, they're all supportive and happy for me (which I'm extremely grateful for), but a part of me just isn't comfortable with them knowing. I don't have a problem with telling people, that doesn't bother me, it's the aftermath that I regret. I'd rather undergo my transition without them knowing until like a year down the line because... Well, I'm still male. There's no escaping that, and to have my friends know I want to actually be female...? Idk, it just feels weird. I'm gonna stop here. I feel I could type about my current thoughts and feelings forever, but I've already typed a shit load. Sorry for being so long winded again. I could literally type for hours. Honestly, I don't know what to expect in response to this post... I don't know what advice I want, and right now........ I don't know, I just feel so incredibly lost. Thoughts are flying in and out of my head at 1000mph, and I can't focus on one for too long, otherwise I feel like having an mental breakdown, just trying to keep up :/ Thank you very much for taking the time to read all of this, if you did.
Disclaimer: All of this advice comes from my personal experience. Everyones feelings are different and nothing is meant to be offensive. First off. Stop. Breath. Everything will be ok. This is all very new for you. It is ok to not have answers even for yourself. I had very similar questions and I still havent answered them all. This is about you unraveling all those feelings and emotions and its going to take as long as it takes for you to realize why you have certain feels. "Is what I'm feeling even real?" I had this though for a couple months. I think for me part of it was still the shock I was feeling. I also think it was my last effort of denial. You will know if they are real. You will start to notice things about yourself more that you really didnt notice before. Can't complain or express distress This is your place. I kind of felt the same way at first. I really just wanted to get on the chat room and have a conversation with someone. But to do that you have to be active and post. Now though I enjoy it. Reading others posts. Even if no one comments it makes me feel better just typing it all out and knowing Im not alone. Discomfort in expressing my new identity My new name is Chris. I have some friends that call me Chris and I have other I dont want to call me Chris. It just doesnt feel right coming from them. Maybe over time that will change. But when Im out or meet new people I always introduce myself as Chris. Nothing else feels natural. Regret for "coming out"? The first person I told was my best friend. For about 6 months I regretted telling her. She loves me and supports me. She told me that if I said I felt like I needed to be purple to be happy then she would be there to help dye my skin. Despite all that I was questioning everything about myself. Everything I had based my life on, on who I thought I was and my friend new that. It made me feel uncomfortable. Over time as I figured things out I didnt feel uncomfortable anymore. Keep your head up. Things will get better. Even if you have to force yourself remember to smile.
It's very comforting knowing that I'm not alone, and that (the majority of) what I'm feeling is "normal". Thank you for your response, I guess I'll just have to keep searching for what I'm most comfortable with
