I just watched this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFYl3ReqX5k and the second part of it. At the second part I started crying. Because everything she said was true for me. Every Avatar I used was male. As a kid I was male in the roleplays. And once I even said: "When I grow up, I just want to be a normal boy!" I wanted to join the army. I play video games. I hated every sports lesson of the girls I had to attend because it all revolved around dancing and stuff, while the boys could play soccer all the time. Damn, if I had a penis and no tits I would be a normal young man! I know my feelings towards guys now. What sometimes felt like attraction was envy. Sometimes I even knew it was envy. I mistook it all my life. I kept staring at the shirtless guys, not because I liked them. Because I wanted their body. I don't know what to do now. I'm scared. I want to do the next steps of course, getting boxershorts and settle in. But all of that transitioning...I just want to wake up and be male. Not five years something in between. Why does it have to be me? I thought I could go to university and have a normal life after a gap year, so I will be 18 and finally lead a normal life. I mean I'm one of those gifted kids and skipped a year, so I was always the young weirdo. I thought that would end one day. But now, I find out, that I'm actually a male and then it will be another thing that will keep me from having a normal live. I'll go to university and great, instead of being the nerd kid, I will forever be the trans kid. I really thought I might get a chance. I don't know what to do anymore.
Hi Anthracite, Wow, where to start? First, yes I've seen those videos and I actually watched in entire series. She seems so wonderful!!! Which leads me to my first piece of advice. She is a therapist that specializes in transgender people. So if watching her video helped you achieve even a little bit of peace, and yes, I understand a WHOLE LOT of chaos, then you should seek out a trans-friendly therapist in your area and make an appointment. You have a TON of sorting to do. You may also be surprised to find that at University, there are probably support group for trans students. You should attend if there is. At the very least, there would probably be an LGBTQ support group. That should help too. Discovering that you are trans IS very scary. But you don't have to go through it alone, and you don't have to rush through it. Everybody transitions in their own way, at their own pace. you may find that you aren't ready for any hormones right away. It's a very nerve-racking experience, and you should try to make it a stress free on yourself as possible. But again, my advice is, slow down. Take a deep breath. You are literally at the very beginning of you journey. Find out what roads you want to take. Find out far you can comfortably go. Do some research. I mean, if you want to run right out today and get some boxers, then go for it. But if that seems too surreal or almost even forced, like that is what is expected of you, then don't. Also, you are NOT a weirdo. You never were!! You are a beautiful, meaningful, consequential person and you always will be no matter what decisions you make about your gender identity and/or sexuality. Don't ever let anyone make you feel any different. Good luck, sweetie!! Let us know how things are working out for you. Sending you LOTS of good juju!!!
Therapist sounds good, but I think I should talk to my parents first. Probably my current therapist might help me with that. I outed to the first friend and she's positive about it, but I don't know how my parents will react. They're fine with me using men's shampoo and perfume but as I told them I was aromantic they seemed to completely ignore it and sometimes still mention how they hope that I'll find a boyfriend. Still I want to go to university as a male and go unnoticed. Probably flirt with some of the girls, for which I will be too shy until I'm fully male. Actually I'm so ready for tesosterone, I couldn't be any readier. But I think I can do lots before that, like getting some more male clothes, a sports bra and boxershorts, so this might occupy me and get me to see some progress, because I want progress so bad. It doesn't seem forced at all. It's more like I'm in a car and all I need is the key to start and race down the highway. Because since I'm using male hygiene products I feel much more comfortable. Another plus is that my new hairstyle makes my face more male ^^ And probably I'll get some normalty in my life. It's hard in being different by intellect already. So if I could just be an ordinary boy I might find some peace.
Find a boyfriend? C'mon... My family uses the same argument, although I' adnrosexual. When you'll find a boyfrind, your inner femininity will go out, you will discover a woman in yourself. Uh-uh. Boyfriends just make me feel even more masculine. The buzzword "find a boyfriend" is just... equal to "fit into a classic hetero relationship in the cis role". Blah. They seem a bit concerned with my gender expression. I have flirted with girls as a guy and I look nothing like a cis man, so don't feel bad about that... Anyways, I hope it goes well for you, man.
I know it's scary, but you're on your way now. It does suck that you have to go through with this--just like it sucks for me and everybody else who suffers from gender dysphoria--but just because life gave you a shitty hand of cards doesn't mean you can't win the game. Your dream is totally achievable.
I'm a bit in distress right now. My other friend just replied "what" to when I wrote I am transgender and didn't write back since. Didn't read my reply though...but I got a bad feeling about this.
Good news: Friend is a bit shocked, but accepting. He also told me he will call me by the male name I chose. Everything all right so far. Will get boxershorts (female version) soon and a bra who probably makes my chest flatter. Bad news: my mom is a bit not supportive about male boxershorts and clothing. According to the shorts, officially because they "wouldn't fit" but I don't think so.
You just described my life, word for word. But don't give up hope brother. You can get through this - one step at a time. EC is a great resource and solid community. Everyone here is routing for you.
Wow, thank you so much for that video. I found the 2 MTF videos she posted and they were actually just what I needed to hear. I also found another video that was recommended by a trans female who went through hormones and said her whole thought process on it and how to determine if you actually are trans. The things that really stuck out are the fact that if you are questioning it then you likely are, and that everyone doesn't necessarily feel the same amount of dysphoria. Me personally, I was never interested in girl toys or super feminine things, but I 100% dislike some features of having a male body and would be much more comfortable as a female. I guess the biggest factor for me is that I get so stuck into gender roles (since I have needed to fulfill them for so long) whereas I need to be thinking outside of them. I don't have to be super feminine or be into certain things, I could be a "tomboy" for a lack of a better term, and it would still be much better. It's funny how a lot of people go through the same thing. The other video I found pretty much hit the nail on the head. She said she would go through periods of intense dysphoria and questioning, then periods where she either pushed it aside or didn't feel as bad about it. This is basically me, where I have been questioning it on and off for years and am just finding excuses not to. Anyway sorry to rant in your thread, but the videos really helped so thanks a bunch for the link! ^_^
@ Kodo: Now you're the first one to call me brother ^^ It makes me feel proud somehow. @ ZeroDarkness: My dysphoria is not so visible. The thing that most annoys me is being called petite. I know I'm a slim one, and that's supposed to be a compliment or neutral description, to me it feels like an insult. I also spent much time on a special diet, that would make my voice raspy. It's far better than before. When I was kid I was like a normal boy. I remember how I got a playmobil castle with a princess and such, so I simply used it as a battle field I ran around in the mud, while other girls freaked out about it, as if some dirt would kill them. Also in my kindergarden-time I would try to stand to pee at home and train it, because all my friends could do it. Didn't work though @ Matto: Thanks!
I know exactly how annoying people can be with that. I have been thin my entire life and am constantly told "you need to eat" or "put some skin on those bones". I don't understand why people thinks that's okay, it's really rude in my books. Personally, it's basically the equivalent of me saying "you should stop eating" to someone who is overweight (but this is a different debate ). That's one stereotype I am glad to leave behind, I hated being pressured into gaining muscle or weight because "I'm a guy and I should". I never understood that ideology, and I think it's stupid.
You're absolutely right. For girls it's all about how muscle are totally evil and should be avoided. Everyone should look like he wishes, because that's what makes you happy. And I want to gain some muscle, but not too much. Like Alexander Ludwig before Hunger Games. Aiming to look like hulk seems creepy to me.
