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How to deal with socialisation...?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by lnamae, Apr 22, 2016.

  1. lnamae

    lnamae Guest

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    I'm wondering if other trans people can relate...

    I've been socialised my whole life to fit "female" roles and norms. It continues now, as I'm not out to anyone, and I feel like it's an act I don't really know entirely how to break out of... Like, there are situations where I know how I'm expected to react or say certain things, and that's what I do. That's not to say I'm insincere I guess... Just that everything is filtered through a "female" expression. I find it really frustrating and hard to get rid of and not let it be the default mode of my interactions.

    Is this common? ...I realise that cis people may feel like this too, actually... But I find it especially frustrating as it also clashes completely with feeling comfortable with myself in relation to gender, and how I'm seen by others. I'm not entirely sure how to overcome it... Or if other trans people have this problem so much? It seems like a hard thing to break... Even if I know it's not who I am. In a way it feels safe... A lie, but familiar; I know how people will treat me. But also horrible and dysphoria triggering. But safe.
     
  2. onlyhuman33

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    I think I can relate, in a way, sort of(?). As for advice, I don't know how much I would be able to offer(?).

    I can relate in the sense that, I am out to my wife and 1 person that I have been friends with my entire life. So when I'm at home with my wife in total chill mode, I feel "free" to be me. Just in my expressions, movements, reactions, language and gestures and such. It may come off a little more effeminate, not like super flamboyant so to speak. But just enough that I sometimes feel like it's conversation between to girlfriends. But, since I'm not out to the rest of the world, I find myself actually trying to be more masculine on the street. Not overly done. But maybe just a couple "octaves" more "manly" than when I'm home. But here's the kicker. I am starting to see my HOME self bleeding out into my STREET self more and more. And it really hasn't set anyone off to the wiser quite frankly. Is this kinda what you are speaking of? If so, yes, I can relate. If not… YIKES, sorry.

    As for advise, or how I "handle it", well I'll just wait for your response to see if it's the same thing, if not no sense in wasting your time with long response.

    Good luck!!
     
  3. randomconnorcon

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    I don't think it's uncommon, because it's how you were raised and most people have certain views of how people should be raised depending on gender. So being raised as a female would be a hard habit to break. The only advice I really know is maybe to remain conscious of what you're doing, know how you want to behave/interact, etc, in situations and do them until one day they're just second nature. This way, you can start off small and work your way up, so people don't notice any "changes" in you and you still feel safe.

    I was raised with a bunch of boys, so people didn't really raise me as a "female" until I started high school and they thought it was time I grew up. Because of that, I was never very good at being a girl anyway. But I hope my advice helps in anyway, or at least gives you a starting point. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Mihael

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    I have the same problem. I'm somehow backing off to the safe and known. I find myself speaking in a high pitched voice and take on a girly, smiley demeneor in shops and to teachers, to my family, because I remember it's what I'm supposed to do. Even though I can and do speak and act more like a guy and feel more natural about it, when I'm with people I feel safer with, like friends. It took me actually some time and a great dose of finally feeling secure and sure that the group of friends will not reject or attack me, before I started being myself at all.

    Once you realise it, it slowly starts to peel off and you start gainig more control, so you're on a good path.
     
  5. jaska

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    I get worried that if I act more masculine (more like myself) it will intimidate and alienate my girl friends. I've known them since before I transitioned when I would try hard to fit in and be girly. But now I'm worried they will reject me if I try to be myself. At the same time I can't really make friends with other guys because I'm just not used to it and it's really awkward and I get intimidated by THEM. Humph.
     
  6. lnamae

    lnamae Guest

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    onlyhuman33, Yeah, that's pretty much what I mean, I think. There are definitely some people who I feel more comfortable just being myself around without relying on the safety zone I otherwise often stay in. Those are people I know will accept me no matter what. I guess the thing is that there probably isn't even that much of a difference really, it just feels a lot different because I'm consciously shifting automated socialised behaviors.

    "remain conscious of what you're doing, know how you want to behave/interact, etc, in situations and do them until one day they're just second nature. This way, you can start off small and work your way up, so people don't notice any "changes" in you and you still feel safe." - I like this advice, thanks randomconnorcon :icon_bigg

    emerry and jaska, it's good to know some of you guys can relate. It's just a sort of conflicting feeling you know... Both of them feel "natural" in a sense. "Female" feels natural because that's how I was brought up, but "male" feels natural because that's what's inside, trumping that, although it's harder because it conflicts :confused:
     
    #6 lnamae, Apr 23, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2016