I hate that there's no hormone to "make" me neutral.

The thing about medicine is that it doesn't grant you legitimacy, and taking it is not about outward expression. It grants you inner peace. HRT directly impacts dysphoria. Without my testosterone, and on my estrogen, I don't feel like ass. When people misgender me, it sucks a whole awful lot less. Yes, it does impact my outward appearance and for that I am very grateful.

But with regard to myself, there is no substitute for a very strong sense of self. My whole life, especially since I've chosen not to go the stealth route, I am going to have to deal with people that try to take me down a peg or two. I'm reaching a point in my life where people don't automatically know I'm trans and I have to tell them if I want them to know, and yes, that does feel good and does smooth a lot of the obstacles I face.

But my transition did not begin with HRT. My transition began when I came out to my ex fiancee. I came to terms with myself, learned to love myself, defined what kind of woman I wanted to become, and gave myself measurable ways to get there. I worked hard on my voice and started exercising again. I started laser hair removal. I finished college and got my first job. Later, I quit my job and got one as myself. I moved out where I'd be happier. I got my ex fiancee back on her feet as best I could. I love my past self so much for all these things. Hormones didn't make me a woman. I did. Hormones just allow me to enjoy it when I'm all alone at the end of the day, to focus when I'm at work, to breath.

So. With all that in mind. What kind of a nonbinary person do you want to be? What do you want to do for a living? And how can you get to the point where your opinion of yourself matters more than the opinions and validation of others?

 

Look... gender is not about hormones, hormones are a way to express your gender with your body. Excersicing helps a ton if you're FAAB, and doesn't have the effects of T that may be unwanted. Of course it doesn't do miracles, but it helps. Well chosen clothing can also help, especially experimenting with different cuts and men's clothing. Hairstyles, make-up, all that kind of stuff. But moreover: be yourslef and choose what you personally like. I bet that if you're genderfluid, you wouldn't choose only clothing that makes you look feminine, but masculinising and neutral clothing and styles too. Passing... don't ask me, I don't pass at all, and probably never will.

 

Wow, you do sound like such a driven person who kind of knows who they are and what they want. That's so cool.
And I think I can understand that feeling of sadness that there's nothing to be done bring you closer to being your gender - and being recognized as your gender - physically. I've felt something similar, I think.
Maybe it's important to allow yourself time to grieve, or be irrationally angry, about that fact. I know, for myself, that I'm in that stage of grief and will be for quite some more time. Like, there's nothing much productive going on in my head about my transition, it's all just: "This is so unfair! Why isn't there a way for me to look like and be seen as what I feel like? Aaargh!" And I know that some day, I'll be ok, in a kind of stable position of either being, if not comfortable, then at least relaxed about being perceived as a masculine woman most of the time, or otherwise, to (partially) tranisition and be read as male. Like, the options are quite clear, but now, I just need to deal with my frustration about not getting what I really need.
Don't know if that helped at all? But maybe?
Lots of love!

 

I don't want to sound too dry or too "I'm gonna give a hug", but I'm realy not the most talkative person ever, and I really do feel for you and al that jazz. I have reasearched all that stuff a while ago, and came to the conclusions I came to. Still, what I also wanted to say is check out this site, it might be somehow helpul to you:
https://neutrois.me/
and also... I dunno, but getting female hormones, the pill taken continuously, or an implant, to stop mentruation might also be an option one may see as a non-binary transition. Some people get top surgery only too. When it comes to medical things.

 

(*hugs*) That does sound like an awful position to be in. I really feel awful, I was not trying to rub anything in your face and I feel as though I might have I was almost a year and a half between coming out and when I started, and it was not a fun time, so I feel like I can relate.

Have you brought any of this up with a doctor? That article seems to suggest that gonadectomies are something that some doctors consider for trans people. I can say from personal experience getting rid of my testosterone was the more important part of my HRT, I felt that a lot more than the added estrogen. I think most doctors would agree you need some hormones in you, but it might be that an endocrinologist would know of an appropriate balance. All of this is new to me, when I first started transitioning a few years ago I made a lot of non-binary friends that had to "pass" as traditional binary transitioners to get taken seriously at all, it was not the best situation for non-binary folk A lot seems to have changed since then.

 

I know how you feel.

I consider myself a non-binary transmasculine individual. I feel male inside, and I wish I could pass as a guy, but I'm torn on how far I need to go to feel a sense of peace with myself. I know I need to do something about my voice because it causes so much of my dysphoria, as do my thighs and my breasts, so top surgery is a must and taking T makes sense for a lot of reasons. But I don't want thinning hair. Or a beard to shave. And those are fairly inevitable.

The thing that I think is a little complicated for me is that I need to start working towards medical goals to tackle this. But I'm so afraid of being shoved in another box that doesn't fit! I need my body to match how I feel more closely, and I need to be recognized for who I am. But I also need my freedom of expression. I can say with certainty that I feel totally male, but I don't necessarily identify completely with the word man. I'm not sure what that means or how to interpret it, if it's got something to do with repression or whatever.

It's like I feel somewhat androgynous, but like an androgynous male. I've always identified with and admired male individuals that just say "fuck the binary, fuck macho bullshit". And because I don't feel like this masculine he-man, I had a hard time coming to terms with my identity. But I think I'm starting to understand my needs. And I very much need a sense of peace.

It sucks that hormones are so strong and so specific. But your goals, becoming the kind of non-binary individual you are, they're not contingent on hormones. Don't be afraid to take baby steps, or to learn about yourself as you go. We all grow and change every day, so we can never really understand ourselves completely. Tackle the most prominent of your needs first, and the others will become clearer.

 

Kids was one of the very first questions my GP asked before referring me to a gender clinic. If I wanted them. I said probably and that I'd likely adopt or my partner might be the biological parent for one (basically, as long as I didn't have to carry the kid, I'd think about it). But my GP still let me know that I had options if I wanted a biological kid of my own (like, freezing my eggs). She also said I was young, being only 22, and we could talk about it in more detail later, because there was time. I'm not saying this is a solution so now HRT is a given. Just that a doctor will most likely ask you about it and may give you similar options, so you don't have to think of HRT as immediately ruling kids out if you ever decide to go down that route.