So I'm not particularily sure of my gender identity. When asked about it, I'd say I feel male. I relate to men more than to women. I'm female. I feel content with it. I like to think I look like a boy, although it might not be true. But never mind. I don't care about what people think of me. I like to dress masculine and feel like my body was male. I experience my sexuality the male way. I'm okey with it. Except for loving art, fashion, cooking and the such (and except from being a female), I would say I make a pretty normal guy. I don't feel dysphoria. BUT... let me first explain how I live. I'm a uni student, I study pretty technical stuff, I have a trouser suit and men's clothing, I listen to plenty of noisy music, I do sports, I play games, I have a bunch of guy-friends and they don't treat me like a girl, I don't see myself as a woman, I'm in a relationship in which I'm out and don't see evidence of my partner treating me like a woman either, I don't see my body as intrinasically gendered. I don't care about pronouns and titles, they are just words, arbitrary roles - to me. Just like everything else. My given name sounds quite androgynous, I behave like a dude, I speak, walk, talk and move like a dude. Often, people are confused as for my gender and I like it this way. If I was born a male, I think I would never question. I would still like the same things, but I wouldn't think it's because I feel like a woman or genderfluid or whatever. Although I think I would envy women some clothes and styles. Maybe the looks too? I'm not sure where is the boundary between being used to something and genuinely "feeling", and between finding someone beautiful and wanting to be as beautiful and "feeling" like that gender-wise. I'm really not sure how I would feel. I'm enjoying this life as a "woman". I'm enjoying my body, I'm enjoying the role, whatever it is. And let me add: I'm a highly intuitive person, what I think and what I feel don't always go hand in hand. Am I binary trans or non-binary then?
I'm also afraid it can develop into a full FtM transition later on. It's like... fragments of my sexual orientation were floating around the place for a very long time, but I didn't gather my attraction to women into one construct. I don't want to fully transition. I want to be a ble to have kids. I don't want to change my body. It makes me really anxious to think I would have to change my body. Not because of the effects, I pretty much don't care what I look like, as long as it's aesthetically pleasing. It makes me anxious to think of such an intervention. It really makes me anxious. It just freakin scares me. And since "gender roles are a social construct", my feelings mean crap *starts crying*
I don't experience much fluidity, and it's not that I would like to be able to "come back to being a girl". I slide more and more away from reassembling a woman, they stare at me in bathrooms, I don't want to look like a woman. Backing off into previous states for too long hurts incredibely. It's as if I was not able to reasonably come back. Piece by piece, the feminine image falls off. I want to cut my hair off. When I wear feminine clothing, I feel as if I was a guy wearing a piece of women's clothing or a crossdresser. I don't understand. It does not make sense, I am a woman, this is my own gender, why do I feel crossdressed in a dress or feminine underwear? It's not that I don't like it, it's just strange. I feel odd going into the women's department in clothing store, I feel as if all those people saw me as a guy shopping in the women's department, and saw how wierd it feels for me. Although I know they don't see it like this, I know they think it's who I am, all this glitter and cutesy things, and that they think I feel like this. And... I don't. I don't feel cute, I don't want to be cute. I make every effort not to seem cute. It scares me. I don't want to come back to "being a girl". In fact, I want to throw out everything that makes me look feminine. I want to look like a guy. But I like things like 20s fashion, flowy dresses, jewelry, make-up, I find it so beautiful and want to wear that kind of stuff. But it's painful how people treat me based on that.
Why are you "afraid it can develop into a full FtM transition later on" what do you mean by that? You don't need a fluid gender to be nonbinary. And binary trans people can experience fluidity. Your indifference seems to me like you might identify as Agender, or maybe demigendered but honestly that's not something a stranger can really point out. In either case, you're obviously very annoyed and distressed about this, so my advice is to just take a step back. Don't worry so much about trying to pin down your EXACT gender label and just figure yourself out in a way that's safe for you. Examine why you do things, ask your partner and friends how they see you, and what they would guess your gender to be. Presentation doesn't equal identity, but sometimes if you're confused about yourself that can give you a place to start.
Um, full medical transition. Why - I explained already. It freaks me out to make any body changes. I don't even have ear piercings. ---------- Post added 28th Apr 2016 at 11:56 AM ---------- How my friends see me? I make them think of LGBT, they are polite enough not to tell it to me straight into my face. Just strangely, I cause such topics to occur all the time. Unfortunately gender is a touchy topic that nobody would want to talk about and I'm afraid they would lie either way to please me - they would say whatever they thought was the anwser I was looking for. I know why I'm doing stuff, I just don't know where it leaves me. With fluidity - it may look like I'm fluid because I have more feminine and more masculine days, but the actual gender doesn't change in my opinion, it's just the outside changing.
It sounds like you're putting a lot of stock into stereotypical masculine/male traits. The only problem is, not all guys relate to these things (just ask many of the gay men on the site)! You don't feel dysphoria, or a need to transition. You seem fine with calling yourself female. I know how rough it can be for non-conforming men and women (look how the bathroom bills are affecting folks in those states). Honestly, I wouldn't fix something when nothing is broken. That would only cause a whole new set of issues for you to work through. There's plenty of room between cis and binary trans, and you don't even have to choose a label, necessarily.
Could you please explain in detail what you mean and point particulars? ---------- Post added 28th Apr 2016 at 12:58 PM ---------- I mean, I'm missing something obvious. I missed my whole life that people see me as sweet or that girls don't ususally have sex like I do, even though both are quite obvious
Excuse me but I really don't understand things unless they are laid flat out. I'm not dumb, but... sort of... sometimes I'm not quick to understand, especially social issues. I've been not sleeping over that. Then, I'm binary, but non-conforming? F*** it. Why should I identify as non-binary, when I plain feel like a dude? I seem fine with calling myself female, because, well, I am a female and there is no point denying it. I do not get how that is even an issue. Okey, I can be genderqueer but in no way am I calling myself a cis woman. No way! To hell with dysphoria. I don't know why, every time someone tells me I am a cis woman (not a woman - because, obviously, I am female) I get pissed. The same with agender or anything in between. Conclusion: I don't really pass for a trans guy. It's a problem of passing in front of "the community". Cis people, surprisingly, have much less of a problem with me.
I relate to a lot of what you've written Emerry. Although I don't really see my activities and likes as gendered things. They're just my personality and a part of me... I'm also fine with being seen as female or people even using female pronouns. I mean, I don't feel female. It's what I grew up being told I was I guess, and I can relate to it in that way. Unless I'm getting bad dysphoria I get uncomfortable/anxious (as you've read ), but I generally don't really care. Although it feels more natural to pass and be seen as a guy... Just... dunno. I don't like treating gender like something you only fit into if you fit certain roles and check certain boxes so I think there's nothing wrong with the way you feel? It's totally fine to feel good about your body, to feel comfortable with who you are and being seen female even if you're trans. Gender roles are a heap of crap, but gender isn't and whatever you feel, it's what you feel and it's real and I don't know. Here's a hug! (*hug*) I'm terrible with words but nothing could possibly invalidate you being who you are. Also, this is just how I see it, but I would think that feeling discomfort about being seen as a cis women, feeling like cross-dressing in womens clothes, not seeing your body as gendered, could be sorts of dysphoria or things that come from dysphoria. Not that dysphoria is really necessary to be trans anyway... there is also euphoria when passing as your gender too and for some trans people this is much more distinct. If I was born maab and raised a guy too I'd probably never question anything to do with gender. I feel like I associate with non-binary sometimes mostly because I'm faab, and was raised female instead and can relate to both because of that. Sometimes it makes me feel messed up. But it's probably completely reasonable to experience this too...? I'm sorry this has been a lot of rambling, I don't know if anything that I've said helps :eusa_doh: Basically, if you are binary or non-binary trans nothing should invalidate how you feel either way
I never said you were binary, and you're free to call yourself whatever feels right. I was just answering your questions and coming to a conclusion, but ultimately, only you can decide. And someone's gender isn't determined by their expression. I know a lot of cis people who get pretty upset when I call a "man" a woman or a "woman" a man, but they're not what most people read them as.
I'm sorry for that 3 am swearing. That's basically me with no sleep I think we have a bit of misunderstanding, Gravechild. I already know all the things you said, but I don't get your point or what in particular you're referring to. I don't see them as inherently gendered either and it's my personality and whatnot, I'm just such a stereotype that it's funny I'm a bit ashamed of it to be honest... Though how it relates to dysphoria... When I was not able to express myself the way I want to, that was bad... Maybe that's an expression issue tho, but it's still pretty painful, and my genuine gender expression is not within the boundaries of normative femininity at all. I think I've never passed. At least as far as I know. I got mistaken for a dude online repeatedly. Now I just switched to being a guy online and nobody questions me at all. I come across as very manly LOL. It's ridiculous. Claiming I'm a guy in the first place spares a bit of confusion on both parts and quarrels. I mean, I don't have a personal preference, saying I'm a guy and then maybe pointing that I'm trans makes... more sense? It works better for some reason. For that and the rest (*hug*) I do get distress over gendered situations. All of them. That's dysphoria, isn't it?
Ohh, I understand. Then yeah... I understand where you're coming from re: expression. Could be both? A lot of cis people break out of the norm too and I hope gender expression limitations like that get smashed in any case :lol: Yep. I'd definitely think that getting distressed over gendered situations could be dysphoria. I get it all the time too. Probably most other trans people feel that as well. Hope you're feeling better. It sucks to feel stressed out and anxious about these things :icon_sad: ...Also little unrelated, but have you heard of the youtuber Pyromantic Prince before? It's a pretty small channel, but he's non-binary transmasculine. I find I can relate to him more than FtM binary guys who have channels. Here's the link anyway. https://www.youtube.com/user/PenPalFriend/videos
