Wondering if anyone else feels this way

I don't know if this is the same thing, but I'll share a bit.

I too am confident on quite a few levels I'm trans (I'd say less than 95% though for me at the moment ), and overall I too think I'm better off just being a guy. My dysphoria differs from day to day too (from almost non existent to pretty terrible), but there are days I almost want to go super feminine, literally look like some really beautiful female celebrities. I sometimes try imagining it, even though deep down I know that if I did I would probably, almost definitely not be happy. Maybe for a day or two it wouldn't be so bad as my family finally sees me fulfilling the gender expectations they've wanted me to fulfill for so long and the praise and validation rolls in from all directions, but really not for the long term, if you know what I'm trying to say.

I guess for all of my life I didn't quite fit into the gender role of being a girl (though I know being trans is way more than that), always dressed more neutral/masculine if I could, but I've also felt for most of my life pressure to fulfill female stereotypes. And you can imagine that when a lot of girls around me are praised for their good looks and wearing dresses and all that, I never felt like I fit into any of that - I just always felt awkward, and I never ticked that box. So maybe part of me wants to just snap and be super nice and feminine just for that approval and for how easy things could be, and just so I could finally fulfill all that ingrained pressure. Just give in, grow my hair super long, wear make up, be super feminine (now I'm just listing off gender roles and stereotypes, which sucks. Damn it.) It might be that societal presure, it might be something else. Who knows - my gender is still a bit gray in some areas, but this is certainly something that sometimes bothers me. But I also know that tossing an idea around in my head feels very different than if I actually tried it in reality.

Like you though, overall, I think I would be much better off as the gender I'm pretty sure I am (just the other way around, as a guy ) It's normal to have doubts. There's so much societal pressure gender-wise, whether conscious or not. They are certain to affect our thinking and perception of ourselves sometimes. I'm just going to give myself some more time to work this out.

 

You know, it's odd because I have some of the exact same feelings as you--but as a girl who is genderqueer! I'm not FtM, I think I like assigning myself as "genderqueer" or just to not think about gender in general.

But ever since it really dawned on me that I, as someone who leans lesbian, will have a harder time getting girls because I am not a man. . . it has made me feel inadequate in my own body, much like you described for yourself. I'm very cute, petite, but not so much muscular and I can't build it up because of my genes, just like you.

But because I lean lesbian, and I don't like breasts and want to be able to penetrate a woman during sex without the aid of toys (though I'm not liking the idea of growing a beard, getting bald in my 60s, or being hairy at ALL)--so I don't think I'm actually FtM at all. I'm somewhere in between. A tomboyish/genderqueer woman who wants to top and dominate in the bedroom.

Don't try to put yourself in a label so fast, and just let the feelings develop. And try to shut out as much of the media and what people tell you. For example, I hate having breasts even though mine aren't considered very large--I just hate bras in general. But at the same time, I sometimes think, "Gee, no guy's gonna look at me because I'm so flat" or "Gee, no lesbian will either because I'm so flat." But once I step away from all that. . . being flat is great. And I like my body more. Because I realize that this is kind of what I wanted to begin with--flat chest, not much to worry about, not much to sag while I go jogging. I am happy only when I don't compare and want what others want of me.

What is the point of muscles? I wish I had them, too, to protect, to hold, to carry her over the threshold when I marry her (if it's a woman that I marry)--but do I really need that? I'm kind, I'm good, I'm a great conversationalist, and where I lack in breasts, I've got elsewhere (I'm very slim).

Focus on the good stuff and literally just . . . feel yourself in your body. Does it feel good just to be yourself, in your own skin? Or do you want to change--not for someone else--but for you?

Sorry that you I couldn't possibly switch genders. It'd make it so much easier. You must have ladies paying more attention to you (as skinny as you think you are) than me because at least most of them are straight. I envy you.

 

This in some ways is close to why it's taken me so long to really start questioning myself. The girly girls were never really something that I looked up to when I was younger, it was the tomboys and more androgynous women. And at home, it was mostly being told that I should be proud of my masculine body traits, that I look great in a suit, why don't I wear them more, guys are supposed to be X, and so on. When I did express interest in more feminine things, I was supported (to a point), so I was policed more on what I should include in my identity, rather than what I shouldn't. But it's not like I attempted to wear a dress either. Many of the girls I admired while growing up never/rarely did.

I think the only time I've actually was actively happy about my body was when I picked up some tone in high school from a weight lifting class. I'm not a fan of big muscles (at least on me), but I am a fan of the athletic, toned build. But I was mostly looking to women with that type of build. It's kinda weird, but if you give me a guy and a gal with the same build, I'll be jealous of her, but kinda just shrug at him. Although there's no reason to not be a muscular woman, IMO, if that is what you want. The two aren't exclusive.

But I know the feeling of having the dysphoria fluctuate from day to day. Some days it feels like it goes on vacation and leaves me alone. I can enjoy my work and my home life in peace. Other days, I wind up lurking here, finding solace in the people facing the same hurdles. My best days are when I'm allowed to just "be". Some of my worst are when people question the things I do as if they are suspicious or need changing, especially when they are the few more outwardly feminine traits that I'm willing to get while stuck firmly in the closet.

 

I will say that I do experience some flip-flopping issues about how I want to look too. On one hand it pains me to look in the mirror and see that I don't look "woman" enough for my standards. For all intents and purposes I look like a man. There is a part of me though that does enjoy how men are held to lower standards in the looks department, so it's more socially acceptable for me to not care. I do prefer casual mens' clothes too over women's fashion. Ah, the best thing would be to be able to wear the same stuff I always wear, but otherwise have feminine enough looks for people to at least understand I'm not a guy.

Jeez, I rambled on so much I think I failed to make clear whether or not I feel the way you do. I guess my point is, I can relate at least in terms of feeling conflicted about some things.
The struggle is eternal, is it not???