Recently I tried to feel female by all means. "No, I'm not trans, I'm just not trying hard enough! I'm a chick with androgynous gender expression, I lack role models, I'm a chronic crossdresser and tomboy, I need to find other women like me! I'm prejudiced and I need to redifine womanhood" That's what I thought. Unfortualtely, there are no women like me, I still don't relate, no matter how much I try. I still feel like a man, for a lack of better words to describe it. I wore feminine clothing, I dressed up in a dress for Easter and surprised my family, I cooked with my mom, I tried to find females to whom I would relate. I found tomboys and queer women. But guess what. They are still women - and I painfully learnt that I'm not. In comparison to them, I feel like a drag queen. They are so natural about female-like behaviour. I still don't relate, I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I conducted a fair dose of shamanism and created a feminine image like a prime artist. But guess what. It's still an image, it's not alive. I tried to participate in feminist groups, found women who don't follow gender roles at all. I still feel off. It's not about gender roles. It's my brain lacking a wire of two. I ended up with a severe dysphoric episode that disorganised my daily life. Then, I compulsively tried to pass as male and failed too. I'm stuck and feel guilty about not being able to identify with women. I feel like a betrayer, a misogynist and a sexist. Something in my head keeps on yelling at me that I'm not trying hard enough to feel female and that I'm making it all up. That I cannot claim the trans label, because I ... basically am not trans enough and at the same time am too much of a stereotype, or that I'm basing my identity off a stupid stereotype. "You don't need to identify as male just because you behave like one. You don't want to be male, you're not trans, deal with it!" :dry: What else can I add? Maybe this: :bang::tears::eusa_doh::help::bang::bang::tears:
If you don't pass it doesn't make you less trans; passing or not passing just means for some people feeling more or less comfortable. There's only so much control you have over your appearance without intervention like surgery or hormones and those are really big things (to me... I guess it depends how you see it). I don't think being trans is in any way sexist or misogynistic. In fact, that you're worried about this and acknowledge that there are gender non-conforming people, you tried to feel comfortable with that, and that gender roles are stupid is pretty much showing the opposite. You do you (*hug*) We all fit into stereotypes one way or another. I don't think we should feel bad for them, especially when they're a natural part sometimes of who we are. I think it can be bad though if someone purposefully tries to fit into them.