I feel like I'm stuck in the mud with my transition. I came out to my parents, they said "no." I've been in therapy since. Now having been diagnosed with depression and anxiety (aside from yet intertwined with gender dysphoria, which I'm currently doing nothing about) it's as if everything is frozen. The past four months have been stagnant and painful. My parents seemingly brushed off the whole "crisis" and are content with moving on, yet they do not realize I'm still here. For them, they can dismiss my identity with a concerned look and a quaint comment about sin, delusion, or teenage insecurity. And I, for the life of me, cannot speak to them again about the whole gender issue. My parents are both at their wits end with other family matters, my mum is sick, my dad barely keeps up the family with his job, my older brothers are going forward with their adult lives, my younger siblings are all age groups from screaming infants to squabbling school-aged kids. And I'm still here: on pause. Last time I spoke to them about gender, my father became extremely upset and sad, my mother simply seems confused about it all. My parents are good people, but they honestly do not have the time or resources to deal with me. I see that now. To readress my gender identity is to place that burden on them again, and I cannot do that. Because it is a burden, but it's my burden nonetheless. People keep saying "it's their fault if they make it a burden" or how bad they must be to not support me. But how can they? They do not know me, as a person, and haven't for years. They said they wished I had come to them the moment I started questioning, but really? We are little more than strangers living in the same home. And while I may be crushed under this pain, what good is it to give it to them too when they have their own weights to carry? My therapist told me I should speak to a parent about the depression, but I don't even see how I can do that. It would breed further worry, and we don't have the money or insurance to pay for treatment. I just... Don't know what to do anymore. I'm suffocating. I'm not growing while I live here, just wearing thinner and thinner. Misunderstanding between me and others only drives deeper, until the day I stake out alone and leave them another pain-filled letter explaining why. I wish I could tell them, and I wish they could see me. But I can't, and they can't. I'm a burden child, a faller, a black sheep. And there is nothing that can be done about it. This was mostly to vent, and it ended up going longer than I intended - apologies. As always, any words are appreciated.
Big hugs, Kodo. I read the second sentence and was like "huh? they said "no?" how do you just say no to someone coming out. They aren't Meghan Trainor." I hate that you feel stuck. Hate, hate, hate it. It sounds like your parents have their hands full with your siblings and you feel like they don't have time for your issues. As a parent myself, I can tell you that most parents love their kids and want what is best for them - the problem is when the parental definition and the actual definition doesn't mesh. You mentioned a therapist - is this a gender therapist or just a run-of-the-mill therapist? Seeing someone with a gender specialty may help a lot. Just my 2 cents on that piece. Finally, depression is a beast that climbs on your back and just wails on you until you don't think you can stand, think, feel, or even move. I've been there. Processing the underlying reasons for the depression is crucial, rather than just shoving pills down your throat to treat the symptoms. Talk to your therapist about EMDR and CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy).
I'm so sorry about your situation. I too feel like a burden for my imperfections and other thing that stress out my parents when they're all dealing with their own issues (depression, addiction, bipolar disorder, sickness in family, just to name a few). It's tough, feeling trapped in yourself, not wanting, no, NEEDING to not add to what they have going on. It's tragic, sometimes, how those people who you'd expect to be closest to end up being the farthest away. Is there a reason for this do you think? I know that I withdrew from my family members out of my own shame. I guess I just couldn't handle it myself and therefore couldn't share the burden with my family either. How much of these feelings have you discused with the therapist? They could probably advise you the best, knowing your situation and your parents. Have you thought about sitting your parents down with the counselor? Maybe if you open lines of cummication between the four? Of you I presume, it might make them more aware of your situation and you to theirs? I hope I'm able to help you as much as I know you've helped me. My thoughts will be with you, Alec.
@MsEmma Is this a gender therapist or just a run-of-the-mill therapist? This is a liscenced family and marriage counselor who was referred to my parents through our church. She seems to be inexperienced with trans-people, from what I can surmise. Right now the gender issue is being put "on hold" and I'm supposed to compartmentalize those thoughts, as I can't do anything about transitioning right now. My parents currently control almost every aspect of my life, and will not allow me to see a real gender therapist. As in, someone who could actually help me or get me on a track to HRT. The therapist must share my parent's religious views and stand a chance of "unconvincing" me to be trans, was the intent. This therapist thankfully hasn't tried to do that, but like I said, I'm stuck. With EMDR, I feel like my therapist tried this already. There was an instance of "eye tracking" like mentioned on that website, alongside questions. But I didn't seem to be responding appropriately and we didn't do it anymore. @love dont judge It's tragic, sometimes, how those people who you'd expect to be closest to end up being the farthest away. Is there a reason for this do you think? I don't know. I have never been close to my family, most of the distance and misunderstanding is my fault. I don't like talking to people about feelings which I myself do not understand. How much of these feelings have you discused with the therapist? Well, even doing therapy in the first place sends me into a panic attack almost every time. I hate self disclosure. Whatever I end up discussing with my therapist is by some miracle a pile of word vomit which was prodded out of my clam shell, hardly intelligent. I feel like I'm doing therapy wrong somehow. I had considered having a sit-down with the four of us, but I don't think it would be helpful. I'd probably throw up from anxiety, and I have no clue how my parents would react, though I doubt they'd be up for it or comfortable doing so regardless. I don't mean to be negative. Both of your posts were very thoughtful and kind. I shall try to put your advice to use.
This doesn't sound like therapy... It sounds like purgatory! OMG... No wonder you're depressed and feel sick. Look, I'm a huge advocate for therapy - it's done great things for me, but therapy-done-badly can really, really screw you up... Like hard-encode guilt/shame/etc that shouldn't be there. Trust me, if there was a way to convince someone to not be trans, I'd have found it in the past 39 years. It ain't there. I didn't catch how old you are and how many years/months you have left at home before I started writing this post, but here's my advice: fake it, but don't start buying into the lie while you're doing it. As soon as you're out of the house, get into a good gender therapist who can help you process the b.s. you're going through now, along with your gender identity piece. I don't normally tell people to lie to their therapists or parents, but given their fundamentalist beliefs and inability to hear your words/pleas thus far, I'm at a loss. Your current situation is temporary, so just ride it out with the fewest waves possible - Finish high school, go to college and then let your freak-flag fly. And of course, keep using EC to vent. Big, super-giant hugs!(*hug*)(&&&)(*hug*)
I agree with Ms. Emma in this case. From what you've described, I doubt that anything good would come of sitting your parents down with this counselor. Something you could try doing is keeping a journal. You could write about anything in it, and it should be relatively easy to hide in your room or mask as a class notebook. Even if you choose not to keep a journal, you could always just write out your feelings and emotions on a separate piece of paper. Just getting them out there like that can feel like a weight off of your shoulders. Then, when you've finished looking them over, you could just rip it up and throw it away or some other means of destroying it. That way, nobody but you would see it and you could maybe understand the feelings a bit more yourself. I wouldn't recommend sharing them with the counselor in this instance, because it would probably due more harm than good, but at least YOU would know a bit more about them, and therefore, yourself. Best of wishes to you.
Hello. I'm sorry your parents are treating you like this. Parents have difficulty with changes in their kids. I'm stuck with my parents' divorce and my dad wanting to see my siblings and myself more. It's hard to change. Also, dealing with my own anxiety issues (a couple mental disorders under anxiety category) along with OCD, I can tell you how therapy is so important. I do best with talk therapy. My mind isn't doing the best with CBT. I have a lot of negative thoughts. I see things so negatively it's unbelievable. I also do suggest you find a therapist dealing with gender issues more, or even depression and anxiety. You said you are seeing a marriage and family therapist even though you don't appear to be married, along with not doing it with family. I see, well, used to see, a psychiatrist. She was okay, not the greatest. I see a social worker provided by my school for free. She's really good and I like her a lot. Maybe they have something at your school to help you?
You are right that being transgender is a burden. To the person as well as everyone else around them. But not all of it is negative. Being trans has helped to shape you into an incredibly open minded person and the pain that you have suffered has given you experience and you learn from those struggles and become more in tune with yourself. By being trans you get forced to become more open minded and you learn so much about gender and identity and especially the human condition. So really, you have a very powerful perspective because you have experienced things that not many get to experience. So you can use your knoledge and the power of acceptance and compassion to change people and make them more open as well. You said yourself that you believe your parents are good people, despite what you also said they have done and treated you. That is proof that you have compassion and can see past things that others might not be able to see past. Your other posts on EC, many have inspired me and help me get through my own problems. So I think that being trans makes people stronger, and I think you are a strong and very wise person and by being trans, you get to see through a lot of bullshit and see more clearly than most people. Eh, hope that helps Oh yeah, also what Love Don't Judge said about keeping a journal. Writing is good, and in the future you can read back on it and see how far you've come from. And also just cos it's a good way to blurg out all the bad emotions in your head and let off steam. Also, I find that one of the best things that helps me is just by helping others. So that's one of the reasons I try to write helpful comments on EC. It hopefully helps the person as well as making myself feel a bit better and not having to focus on my own problems for a bit. So maybe even write a blog or something, or even a book.
Kodo, I often reply and feel a need to reply to your threads because your experiences really do feel like a reflection of my own. I know how it feels to be forced into silence and into hiding because my family said no, I am not transgender and how lost and alone it makes you feel. It really is hell and eventhough I coped with a lot during my life this was so much harder. What keeps me going is the knowledge that time changes things and sometimes we just need to be patient. I know that I am trans and a woman and that I will always remain one. My family can't take that away from me because it is a part of who I am, it is my soul and life. Our journey is harder and darker because of the rejection but we are moving forward even if it feels like we are stuck in place. Every day brings with it new lessons and growth and it is important to see these sma changes in perspective or our ability to express ourselves better. Look back at your posts and find the changes and even if they might seem to be negatively inclined understand that this is a part of the journey you must go through. Sometimes we need to sink into the darkness to rise up again stronger. I know that after a year, eventhough my family is mostly still the same, I'm starting to feel more alive again and stronger. A feeling of control that I seemingly lost during the journey. Always remember that the most important thing to do is survive because eventually things do get better even if it doesn't seem like that right now. Much hugs and love, (*hug*) Eveline
