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Mentally Attracted to men Sexually Attracted to women.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by LadyPeculiar, May 2, 2016.

  1. LadyPeculiar

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    Hi. I've been questioning my sexuality for 7 years now. I was made aware of it when i was 15. i am now 23. by my now best friend who met me and told me "Your'e going to like girls, your'e a lesbian." I denied it for 2 years. ive never questioned before or recall finding women sexually attractive. i used to stare at women and my teachers a lot. but it was never because i wanted to date them. i didn't think that way. it was the typical, "i wish i looked like her" "i wish i had her clothes, hair and shoes" i paid attention to a woman's shoulders, breast, ass, hands and legs and always stared but didnt know why. I was naive about sex and innocent to the matter. I used to always say ill date men when im older and living on my own. i considered girls my age in middle school and in high school sluts for dating guys even when they clearly weren't. i thought it made me a slut for liking a guy. i got my first boyfriend at 12 and ever since then whenever a guy would try to be physical with me, a kiss, hold my hand anything intimate. i'd feel immediate discomfort and awkwardness. the reason why i started to question or consider that i could be a lesbian was that i remembered the experimenting i did as a child and liked it. then as an adult between 19-21 there was an older woman. i became close with through mutual friends. she is bisexual. she was the first woman i was around who was open about her sexuality. she preferred dating women. she had a little crush on me and we had sex twice. both times i did everything and she never dominated or pleased me. guess she was considered a pillow princess. because i was a tomboy she always treated me as if i was the "boy" she would ask me to pick up a box of beers because i am the "man" one time i was holding a child at my cousins and she said i looked like a father. i was very upset and offended because i was now perceived as unattractive and manly looking/acting and wasn't upholding my femininity. deep inside my core and soul i am feminine and i like to be perceived as such. I do have feminine traits. i like to treated like a lady, and she never made me feel that way. therefore i said to myself i will never find a woman who will love me as the woman i am even while dressed or acting like a stereotypical boy which makes me sad.

    I liked how i could be dressed more like a boy and do whats considered masculine things. fixing things in the house and even when im changing a tire, playing sports, being assertive, men still find me feminine and attractive. i like that attention, but don't like the thought of being their girlfriend. i am and have always been a tomboy had boys as friends because i could relate better with them. i loved basketball and football and just fitting in. till this day. however as i became more self aware. I realized i connect emotionally and mentally to men a lot easier but sexually/physically attracted to women. the idea of dating/being in a relationship with a woman is amazing to me. i blush every time. i can imagine myself marrying a woman as well. but the thought that women expect me to be the man in the relationship bothers me and makes me feel uncomfortable. I avoid going on dates and flirting and dressing tomboyish around them because of it. i don't know what this means about me. am i bisexual? does it sound like there is something from my past that is hindering me from dating/being physical with men?, is it insecurity of what i think of myself? or have i internalized societal gender roles that has formed into homophobia about what i believe what a lesbian is and what that means about me.. please help me.
     
  2. PrettyinPunk

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    Now I can't say if your lesbian or bi, or completely unattracted to men. From how you described it, it seems like your more attracted by their gender role dynamic than the fact that they're male.
    And I'll admit I'm not the most experienced in this area but it seemed unfair the way that women assumed everything about you, just cause your a tomboy. (Especially the sex acpect)

    Some people don't understand that femininity/masculinity is not equated by clothes or gender roles. If I were you I'd avoid those people, don't change yourself just because someone can't tell your a woman. However I'd advise that you also communicate if it becomes unclear with a partner that you are a lady too and deserve to be treated as such.

    Don't worry if it's just a dynamic issue, there's girls out there who will love your tomboyish-ness and still dote on you.
     
  3. LadyPeculiar

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    @Prettyinpink
    First of all thank you for taking the time out to read my long rant and replying. I really do appreciate that, but I'm glad you said what you said it brought up some thoughts.

    I have always felt insecure about my looks as most girls do. I had no self worth and constantly doubted myself. I believed I wasn't beautiful and never felt beautiful and so growing up in a society that gives you this stereotypical idea of what a feminine girl looks like and acts is what makes her beautiful is ingrained into my head & that masculine is not beautiful. It's being active, dominant, muscular and aggressive. so whenever I would dress and act as a tomboy and was dealing with a woman. I had it in my mind that she's perceiving me as what the stereotypes are and so therefore I'm this unattractive male. and that obviously made me feel like I had to revert back to dressing and acting more feminine and trying to date guys.

    Unfortunately, I remember hearing lesbian is associated with not being pursued because of lack of beauty and feminity and trying to be a man. Hope that makes sense. I have some serious rewiring to do. Sigh.
     
  4. PrettyinPunk

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    Ah yes society, always helpful in making people feel insecure, confused, and detached from what makes us human beings. Just don't forget while masculinity can be seen as active, aggressive, dominant, it can also be beautiful. Both in men and women. And femininity can be strong, and fierce, and enduring.
    If you mean in the opinion of the general public, then yes there is a stereotypical view of what a lesbian looks and acts like. I can't speak for any lesbians(as I don't quite identify) but there are girls who identify this way and are very feminine. I think most lesbians would understand that whether a girl decides to express herself more masculine or feminine she's still a woman. Also if any lesbians want to add on or correct, please do.

    Take things step by step. If you have other questions or just venting, keep posting. Feel free to post on my wall if you'd like too.:slight_smile:
     
  5. LadyPeculiar

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  6. OutofZCloset

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    I think you can dress or appear masquline and still have all the need wants and desires of someone more feminine. I think it's just unfortunate that you haven't come across someone who sees or shares that value. They are out there just keep looking. We all deserve someone who fawns over us and cherishes us in every way. Keep looking for that person
     
  7. Jmiller85

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    I'm in a very similar situation. Except, I'm a guy and im sexually attracted to men, but romantically attracted to women. It's a very confusing place to be.
     
  8. PrettyinPunk

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    Sure I don't mind at all. Actually a lot of what you described reminds me of myself. When I was very little, probably ages 3-8 I mostly had only friends that were male. A lot of the time it was just chance that the kids around me were that gender but also I just related easier. I would go to school, roll in the dirt and play with bugs, much to the dismay of my female classmates. I also loved (and still do) rough housing. Again the other girls my age preferred gentler forms of play like house.
    I remember when I was in 1st or 2nd grade a parent of a friend looked at me and said "well you're just a little tomboy aren't you?" At the time I didn't know what the word meant so I paid no attention to it. Eventually I learned what it meant and rolled with it. I also didn't realize tomboy had a negative connotation, or that some people didn't find girls and masculinity appealing until I was a teen.

    I guess during my late teens/early 20's is when I began to think more in depth about my gender and the roles of masculinity/femininity. I came to the conclusion that while I accept tomboy as an ok label it's not quite right. I'm a girl, women, lady, etc and I like and embrace it. I wouldn't change my gender for anything. Despite that, the way my brain works and behavior is displayed is half male like and half female like. Basically I'm a girl with balanced masculine traits and feminine. This is how I've always been and I don't ever think "oh am I being to much like a guy atm?" Its all natural to me, I don't notice. To this day I still find it easier to hang with guys in general but I feel like I understand both genders pretty well.

    How other people see me I don't really care. I won't waste time with people that would judge me poorly just because I dress in way uncommon to my gender. I wear clothes made for men, and women. Some days I'll wear all guys clothes, some all girl, most I mix match. I like playing video games, and working out, I enjoy shopping and painting my nails. To me it's all stuff I like to do.

    All the guy friends I had were always cool. I was one of the guys but at the same time I wasn't. For the most part we all were laid back, a few awkward moments occasionally due to different sex related issues but that was normal.
    All the close friends of mine that were girls were either other tomboys, punks, or geeks, so we shared the whole gender non-conforming thing.

    I didn't realize I was not straight until I was 23(closer to 24), and I've yet to be intimate with the same sex, so I'm not sure how other women who would be interested in me would feel about the masculine/feminine dynamic. I do know for me to even be attracted to another person they would have to be open minded on this subject. I certainly would never assume or expect gender roles from them based on how they express themselves.

    In the end I know who I am, I know I can't change, I don't want to, and if someone doesn't want to take the time to understand that, it's fine. I'll just be happy being me!

    Sorry for the long, possibly boring rambling, you did ask though!:lol:
     
  9. LadyPeculiar

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    I don't mind the long rant at all. I think the more detail the better we can all learn and gain perspective off of each others stories. I can totally relate on how you don't know if a woman would accept you having both a masculine and feminine dynamic. I have a hard time believing, there's a lesbian woman out there, who'll truly accept that balance. They say that there are different types of lesbians out there who like both, and don't fall into the gender conforming roles. Its just so common to see the dominant/submissive match. Since you say you have not been intimate with a woman yet, what helped you come to the conclusion that you might not be so straight?

    ---------- Post added 5th May 2016 at 05:58 PM ----------

    Thank you for that. I'm definitely willing to be patient, if its out there. You think that its really a culture thing too. I noticed and watched a documentary on this type of thing. and in the black lesbian community, is where the whole stud and fem dynamic is typically expected 95% of the time.
     
  10. PrettyinPunk

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    Honestly it sounds a little silly but I was just watching something where there were two female characters who were in a relationship. I was emotionally connected to these characters so I was happy they were a couple. That led to some interesting thoughts. At first I didn't think much on it. I teased the idea in my head that having someone be interested in me as the same sex was curious. Just the idea of the attention was exciting to me. These little scenarios continued on over time and progressed to thoughts of being really close to a girl, or holding her hand, or kissing, even sex. (Which was a super shock at first!) At that point I knew these thoughts were too in depth, I had to question my sexuality. So I asked myself, if I met someone I bonded with closely, could I love them if they were the same gender? I did some intense soul searching, and realized I could. I discovered I could fall for someone based on their personality, soul, mind, whatever else would become attractive after.

    I'd go with OutofZCloset on this one. You can for sure find someone who'll accept that part of you. The whole dominant\submissive thing does exist, but again as a stereotype. If you don't want that dynamic in your relationship don't have it. I do know there are lesbians who are more similar in that way, sometimes both might be tomboys or both very masculine/ feminine. Just look for someone who likes you as you are and makes you comfortable.

    Personally even without experience I know I need someone who is a bit balanced. To understand and relate to. Even the guys I've been close with in the past were pretty balanced, though I was always just a little more dominant with them.:icon_bigg
     
  11. LadyPeculiar

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    That definitely isn't silly at all, It's good to know I am not the only one, who experienced that, there were many shows and movies id watch and see same sex couples and always wonder what it would be like if I had a life like that, if I were close with a woman and she close with me like that, at first the idea seemed too far fetched, but as time passed it became more intriguing and interesting to think about.

    How are you going about things now? Are you in the dating scene or just taking it easy? sorry if I'm getting all in your bisiness lol I'm really curious. your obviously not obligated to answer.