Here's a trigger warning, just in case. For some reason, I feel like that by identifying myself as transgender, I'm just going through a phase? Hear me out. For years I've wished I was a girl, but over the past month or so, that feeling has been stronger than ever. But now it's dying back down? A week ago I was pretty much ready for any challenges and hurdles a transition to womanhood would throw at me, but now I'm not so sure... I have doubts and concerns. For one, when I say I want to be a girl, I mean biologically. Sure, I can look/talk/whatever like a girl, even get surgery to have basic female anatomy.... But it wouldn't feel right. It'd feel fake. I'd want to whole package: being able to reproduce, have 2 X chromosomes, and just be... "nautral". I don't even care if I have to deal with a period every month, it it means being a biological female, I'd be glad to deal with it. Sadly, no amount of surgery can remove my stupid Y chromosome, so is it even worth transitioning? And for this, I have conflicting thoughts on whether I should just suck it up and deal with being a guy, or fool people into thinking I'm a girl, when I'm still biologically male. PERSONALLY, I would never feel I'd be a true girl. Not to mention, I'd be limiting my list for potential romantic/sexual partners. I don't know how many lesbian women there are, and even then, there's an even smaller number that would date a transgender woman... Then again, I guess I can just try to forget about my desires for a few years until I feel that I can't cope with being male anymore. Maybe then that'll actually motivate me to begin the transition. But again, the same problems mentioned above would crop up, and the whole cycle would start again. Tl;Dr: I feel my transgenderness is just a phase that I could deal with, but would crop up again and again. P.S: I'm not reaaaally looking for an answer, I kinda just want to share my thoughts. Edit: It's currently 1:35am, I'll check the thread tomorrow some time. Thanks!
I've been in the same mindset in the past. Heck sometimes when I'm really down in the dumps I let the same thoughts come creeping back. I think there is a whole lot more to being a woman than reproducing or what chromosomes you have. If it's something that keeps coming back into your thoughts I think it may be worth exploring more instead of shutting it all out because of your perceptions on what makes an authentic woman. There are gender therapists out there who can really help you sort out these sort of thoughts as well. I used similar thoughts as a defence mechanism to deter myself from accepting myself for who I am. I'm not saying that is what you are doing but it sounds like being a woman would make you happier and that is something that you could make happen, in time. It isn't an easy process by any means but after going through all of this, living as female for some time, you start to see you really can be a woman. Heck my best friend (who knows I'm trans) has said she could never see me as anything but a woman. I never thought I could feel like a woman even just a few years ago but here I am just as woman as any other out there.
Would it be possible for you to see a gender therapist? I know that in the US you'd need to see one eventually if you wanted to transition, although I'm not sure if it's the same in London. They could help you sort out what you want and could help you transition if that is what you end up wanting. I know it feels really discouraging to feel like you'll never be a real girl, but just because you feel that way now doesn't mean you'll necessarily feel that way through ever. A gender therapist might be able to help you work past that feeling, or they may help you figure out that the feeling isn't going to go away and that transition isn't right for you. Anyway, regardless of whether you decide to transition or not, I really don't think it's a phase, especially if you think the feelings would just keep coming back. If you can push the feelings down but they come back anyway it just means they were there the whole time and just got worse again. Changing levels of dysphoria/discomfort is really common, so it's likely that sometimes your desire to be a girl is stronger than other times. But you can be trans and have dysphoria and still choose not to transition. It doesn't make your feelings not real. It just means that transition might not help you and/or be the right choice for you.
I genuinely don't know how people cope with these thoughts. They just eat away at me. I could go to a gender therapist, but there's not many of them in the UK, and I know the waiting can be pretty significant. You're probably right about this uncertainty being a defense mechanism. It's just that I have no idea what will actually make me happy in the long run. I don't know what I want... Not without a referral from my GP, and because I recently moved house, I don't have a GP to go to :/. I know my mind will probably change again in the future, but I just can't help but think that this is just a one off (I know it's probably not, like you said). Huh, I didn't know that the level of dysphoria can change, I always thought it'd be constant. Even if I'm still trans and I don't transition, I feel like I'm just lying to myself because I've made no progress towards actually living life as a woman. Thank you both for your responses, I really do appreciate it! <3
Well, it is closer to having doubts about being transgender is a phase. What you are going through is pretty much what everyone seems to go through, we all have doubts and we a fear that it won't feel real and that we will feel fake. However, this is a phase in the journey and eventually you realize thatthe only rime you really are fake is when you put on the mask of being a man. That everything somehow feels right as a woman. Unfortunately, it takes time to accept and come tk terms sith being transgender and it can be hard to cope with the emotional turmoil that comes from the instability of the situation. My suggestion to you is to make an appointment with a gender clinic because it takes so long and you can alwaus cancel it if you realize you aren't trans or aren't ready to transitio which is of course a possibility. You will have a huge amount of time to cope with the doubts and figure out if you really are trans while you wait. I can tell you that I have made very little progress with regards to transitionig yet I am still trans. Tdansitioning is not an extremely hard process and it can take time to find the strength and will power to go ahead with it. We've spent our entire life wearing a mask and it can be hard to leave its safety and plunge yourself into tbe unknown. (*hug*) Eveline
Being transgender is usually not a phase. If you are unsure about your identity, give it some time, and if it's bothering you very much, you could see a psychiatrist.
Dysphoria can be a phase, I believe. But I also believe that more often than not, it does carry some significant meaning; whether that includes a need to transition or not varies. At the end of the day, I think one has to suck up to the fact that nothing is perfect. Maybe even if you do decide to transition you'll have some dysphoria, some things that you're not happy with. But that holds true for cis people too. Very few people, cis or trans, are perfectly happy with how they look. We all have insecurities. I think the real question is whether you would be more happy, not perfectly happy, if you transitioned.
