Sort of hitting against two walls at the moment... Like I can't move forward and I can't move back. At the beginning of questioning, I just kept on going with whatever felt right to me. That was changing clothes, no longer thinking of myself as female, and doing small things like getting my hair cut, changing name, changing pronouns to an extent - just basically letting me by myself without limitations. And I think I more or less found a label that fit me... But during all that, I always felt like I had something to fall back on. That was, outwardly being who I was before. Presenting and acting like I was before... I can't even recognize that person anymore, and to do that would feel so fake and crafted. I'm losing my safety zone... I've gone further than I thought I would. I can't imagine going back... So now, sort of wondering what to do... what it means, who I am. A bunch of existential stuff Who was I before? A product of expectations, and sociolisation as a 'straight female' - was that seriously all... The answer only seems to be to change the things that don't feel right still... but I don't know if I can or want to. If I'm just exchanging fake for another fake. Maybe surgery and injections are also going to leave me with that feeling. But... I can't really change that I wasn't born a cis guy. Looking at my body without clothes feels surreal, like it's not even mine, but vaguely male even though it's female. I don't really like the feeling of being trapped here, but I also don't really know what to do. I couldn't fall back into the safety net, even if I wanted to. And I feel like I can't/am not ready to move forward too? Has anyone else ever been in this place? Is it a place you get out of? Is it normal? I don't know...
I'm there too; confused but certain at the same time. I have to take the leap and tell my parents but then I can't go back.
I've gone through this questioning before, but not this much. The questioning has caused me to become depressed. I then decided that I'm male because I felt the most like one. Maybe you should see a therapist like I had?
That sounds as if you believe there is a 'true' personality, some monolitic abstraction. I think we are made of mańy, many parts, none of them can be 'fake' then. Whatever it is comes from you, and doesn't matter much if it was a product of the enviroment, most people are just that, products of circumstances. To call that 'fake' doesn't make much sense, it's still authentic on a way. If there was nothing inside of you it wouldn't have reacted to the enviroment the way it did, right? The question of transitioning is highly personal. It could help you to look for a gender therapist, a good one (recommended by other trans), and see where the exploration takes you.
I have never felt that I wasn't myself at any point in the past. It was always me. I did many things to satisfy others which weren't the wisest things. I do not regret nothing and I'm happy with the life I had. Doesn't matter if I was travelling the world as a woman or as a man. I've been making myself all those years. My actions, regardless of my gender, has shaped me. Without it I wouldn't be myself. I can't go back either, I don't want to. I achieved some of my life dreams as a woman, but I have changed. I'm finally living my life (again) and my goal is transition. It's scary but it's part of my life. Can you change to your younger self? The chapter is closed, you have changed. You can walk forward even if it's scary and you don't know what awaits you. For me both life and transition is a construction site. You build on the basic level first, advance and worry about details. It's not one time thing. Cheers.
As far as I know, it is perfectly normal to reach that point when you have no more safety nets to fall back to and feel that you can't escape anymore from who you are inside. It is really the final stage of acceptance snd it just shows that you've come to terms with who you are. How you proceed from here is up to you. This is your life and you need to decide what path to take and what door to open. Take your time, be patient with yourself and eventually you will figure out what is right for you. We are here for you if you need to talk. Unfortunately, we can't figure this out for you. This is your story and it is up.to you to decide what the next chapter holds. (*hug*)
I guess I can agree with this... I just felt like there were times when I had myself fooled and simultaneously numb. I was always myself until I got told that wasn't alright. The numb lasted until it felt like cross-dressing and a huge act. Maybe more fake on the outside then, although I was trying to make myself conform on the inside too. Kiran, you're probably right. Thanks. My past has definitely helped shape me, and there are many things that don't even have anything to do with gender... You're right, it's more of a progressive thing to address... Maybe I'm just impatient and stressing :eusa_doh: ...Your words are very sweet Yaeli. Thanks. It puts things into perspective... (*hug*) I agree that I should probably take some of your guys advice too and see a gender therapist... Honestly, that feels like a huge leap at the moment. But it's something I hope I can work up to. I tie gender therapy in with taking other steps towards transition and right now, I just feel like I'm not ready to confront it and even verablise it... I want to know what I want when I get therapy... Maybe this isn't the best...
