Internal sense of gender?

Sorry to ask this again, but how do you know the internal sense of your own gender? I never had any intuition about this, or at least never asked myself the question this way. I can distinctly remember being 3 years old and thinking that I'm wearing a dress and have long hair therefore I must be a girl. It's been pretty much the same for the rest of my life. I wonder how you know this, simply. I always gave myself reasons one way or the other. How do you feel like a girl or a boy or a woman or man?

---------- Post added 9th May 2016 at 02:55 PM ----------

P.s. Explain as you would to an alien, I recently got to know what "cute" means even though I used this word and looked like and thought I understood, but I really had no idea and still rather reason it out than see it, like a daltonist would reason out the presence of yellow or orange. So if I look like I understood what it means to be a man or a woman or to feel like one - I only look like that.

---------- Post added 9th May 2016 at 02:58 PM ----------

I may feel gender, but I'm rather someone who disregards any social norms and lives in their own head, so I have no idea where I should look for it or which thing it is.

 

Meh, never mind... Sorry to bother.

 

Thank you for replies.

Let's see how I compare...
1. I believe I have masculine personality, but not neccesarily in the traditional sense, in a sense that I have a personality similar to men I know, and they are a diverse bunch - from shy artistic guys to extroverted, outgoing and noisy. But there seems to be some common denominator. It's not the case for me with women, and women have their own common denominator.
2. "I'm more interested why the OP is questioning their gender." Welcome to my world,it's been 5 years now. I've been doing that since I realised the other girls don't have to think or be told how to be girls. "It felt more natural to be a guy" - exactly. I have always thought that being a guy is much easier and more natural. Of course, I didn't realise that this is the case only for me until 15 or so.
3. I always behaved boyish, but nobody seemed to notice
4. I can relate to expressing it through art. I used to do it more, when I had no other means or ideas for self-expression.
5. "I feel comfortable dressed as a dude and looking like a dude and being a dude in general." - yeah, same.

It looks like I'm a guy, but I have doubts. I like to wear dresses, heels, make-up, I like my long hair. Kinda more on the fashionable side. Although it's a recent development and I do it something like 1 or 2 times a week. And I don't really associate it with behaving any differently. The whole dresses part confuses me a lot. I prefer to shave or wax my body hair. It doesn't bother me in any way, but I think it simply looks better when I'm not hairy. Otherwise it would make complete sense. I'm not bothered by my sex, I'm indifferent and I'm like... generally okey with it, I like my body even though I don't feel particularily feel like a woman (if there is any consistent or correct way a female feels?). I think my feeling is much closer to that of men, but for me it makes perfect sense to match it with a female body. But it bothers me if I have to pretend I'm someone else as a person because of it.

---------- Post added 10th May 2016 at 12:15 AM ----------

6. I think I didn't think of myself as of a man until recently. It was the kind of relisation when cereals tell you the structure of black holes. I looked into the mirror and saw a young man. I always had the attitude "Yeah, I'm a woman, I know, I have boobs and vagina, so what? Look, I even look like a girl, I'm wearing pink, I'm doing it right. Now: give me my chocolate"

 

I might be just having doubts because I'm quite feminine in some aspect. I'm very sensitive and artsy, and hence the clothing thing. But there are lots of men who are like this. I know lots of men like this and they never question they are men. Even when others question them or when they look like girls.

 

I'm kinda wondering if I'm just a guy or both.

I tried being a guy on some forum online, but I ended up coming out as trans, because it just felt wierd, I relate to being a woman somehow, even if it's just because of life experience. Over the years I grew into the femininity that is about fashion, cooking, beauty, art, being empathic. I enjoy going out with a girl-friend and eating a salad, talking about boys, going shopping together, doing make-up, wearing feminine scarves and sweaters, using cosmetics that smell like flowers and herbs, I enjoy cosmetics, I enjoy my hair about medium length most, like in my avatar. I can't make it all the time, but it seems to be a part of me. I just dislike the "cute" part of femininity. I'm not cuddly at all, my body my space. And I hate "feminine adronments" and "feminine" colours. Hence I always end up with a somewhat androgynous look. I'm glad I got older and my face got more angular finally. My feminine side is more on the sensual end of things, like Asami from The Legend of Korra (yes, cartoon ) (and speaking of LoK, I relate to Korra a lot too). I actually relate much better to women in fiction than in real life.

The masculine side is pretty much everything else. I'm quite much of a tomboy and hang out with the guys mostly. I'm okey being this way. I'm okey being the woman dressed and behaving like a man. That's pretty much my day to day base to which I have to come back to rest. That's why I think I'm more masculine. Femininity is fun and is a significant part of me too, but masculinity is vital. When I come back home, when nobody's watching, when I relax I am a man. Or something like that

---------- Post added 10th May 2016 at 06:43 AM ----------

Do I sound bigender-ish?

 

I remember you wrote about being binary trans, Eveline. Thank you for it, it was very valuable to consider and confront it. No, I completely belive that gender is innate rather than learnt. I'm trying to understand where I fit in in that and why. At some point, when I went with my belief that I was a girl because I was arbitrarily assigned so, something very innate jumped at me and caused me suffer. It is not a result of any socialisation.

Do you mean genderfluid being both at the same time, a mixture? I don't think my gender changes over time.

I think that if I transitioned to male, I would have a problem with liking to dress in feminine clothing. Also... I enjoy my body in the end, and I believe that if I was born male, I would also enjoy it. I don't know why, I also feel like a guy, whatever that means. But maybe not completely? If I were born male... I think I would be quite similar, I would like my hair nice, I'm not sure how I would feel about body hair, the rest would be fine. I think I would be comfortable expressing my femininity through art and cooking. I don't know - maybe I would incorporate some women's clothing into my wardrobe? I don't like stuff... completely rough. I think that's my primary concern about that. I know exactly what kind of guy I would be. Now... I feel more accepting than happy about the idea of being pregnant, and I've come to even like my hips, but maybe not in a conventional way. The rest is completely fine with me. I think that if I transitioned fully, with body and stuff, I would be completely fine, but I would feel wierd about cutting out something that I was born with. I don't have ear piercings, even.

I think I feel some gender, i think I just feel it a bit different than most, maybe. I don't understand what is meant by dysphoria, even if I try to. It's a kind of repulsion, isn't it?

Maybe it's that I'm both and my feminine aspect gets expressed, and the masculine not enough? With expression of the feminine aspect, sometimes I feel like people demand too much of me. I look like I had more, but the bottle is half-empty. And I don't get to express my masculine aspect enough, and don't know what to do about it any more. I tried all non-hardcore methods. The problem being... the next alternative is being full on masculine in dress and behaviour. Cutting my hair short, changing my name... And I like those things about myself. I don't neccesarily want to change them. I like how I look. I like my presentation. I like my body too. But there is this irrational, nagging discomfort...

I'll finish later.

 

I think I could experiment more with fashion, but I'm not sure if I can go any further with my body. My figure is quite close to that of Korra, and there is really not much I can do about it. I was thinking about getting piercings or tatoos, but the problem is that one day I will try to apply for a "decent" job. And I'm afraid of doing anything with my body.

If I was The Avatar, like Korra, that would be different... Maybe that's just the lifestyle not fitting me. Maybe I should just join the army. I can only speculate.

It also does not help that I didn't discover those feelings earlier and haven't been a tomboy. Maybe there was no problem with my self-expression before puberty, simply. Maybe there really was no conflict, maybe it all found a way out. If I was a tomboy before, I would have some sense of identity in it. As a child, I was fairly in the middle, I think. I'm not sure why since the beginning of puberty I feel increasingly masculine. It's not supposed to work this way. I'm far more masculine than when I was 12. Being a girl didn't bother me back then. I don't know what I felt about it, I didn't ask myself the question.

I can't go further into masculinity without compromising something I like about myself, at least in the boundaries of what I know that can be done. It was a really good idea to train my voice a bit, excersice, and do something about my mannerisms, because I feel more at ease because of that. Cutting my hair short seems like a too big decision, and I'm both afraid of reactions and that I will not like it. I became an expert on clothing and it kinda doesn't really work, it seems, especially as I don't like the baggy look. Maybe I missed something obvious. Maybe I'm unnecesarily afraid of going further, of what my family would say. I think I could dress more masculine than I do now, but it would for sure break some taboo. It could affect my romantic relationship too. If I knew some element of clothing that women didn't steal from men yet... And that would compose with my body. I could express it in the relationship, but I think I have no chance. *sigh*

 

No. I must see the show then.

What do you mean by private life?

I think I look (almost) exactly like JJ quite often.

People tell me I'm anxious that I have so much of this energy, but it's not this way. It's a sort of spiritual energy. I can't explain it differently. That's just who I am, that's the hand I've been dealt. It doesn't make it easier either that our culture embraces the rational so much. And I'm saying that as an extremely rational person. Saying that there is no gender, scraping everything out of symbollic meaning, just makes it more difficult to make it on an emotional, metaphysical level. Maybe the magic, the game of meanings is the only way out. #JustRambling

I'm happy that at least maybe I will feel good about getting old. I wish my body was less feminine, but not in the way hormones can give me.

---------- Post added 10th May 2016 at 10:25 AM ----------

That would fit, I think.

I typed lots of "maybe"s today.

I've been struggling with this expression problem for a couple of years already, and I feel hopeless. I think I would feel more comfortable if I could do something I actually would like doing and that was marked as masculine. If there was for example a division in clothing. But nothing is gendered in this world, apart from dresses and body types, which is a horrible shot in my situation.

I would happily identify as binary trans or transmasculine, but it doesn't seem exactly right, it lacks a commonality of experience and I feel like a fraud doing so, even if I feel better about myself identifying this way. I mean... I could identify as a lesbian, but it wouldn't be true, since I'm attracted to men. That's the sort of thing I feel about this.

I have lots of conflicting feelings on those topics.

---------- Post added 10th May 2016 at 10:32 AM ----------

That might be my situation and my problem...

As for the binary thing... I might be a man, a guy, a dude, but not... male. Certainly not male. I think "male" would be right if you feel that you prefer a male body, and that's not the case for me.

 

I have no idea what is going on with me. I tried to talk it with a counselor, but it leads nowhere. It became even worse. I can't find a solution.

I feel a large amount of internal backlash against crossdressing, for example. I think I would not be comfortable socially transitioning, because of this "you pretend to be male (read: something you're not)" voice in my head. And I'm not sure if I want to go into this sticky situation. I can't help thinking it's wierd. Obviously, I have no problem with others crossdressing or transitioning, whatever floats their boat. But I'm not fine with myself doing that for some reason, I've seen all those reactions when there was a crossdresser in one of the books we discussed in literature class.

I'm a bit irritated I can't be a crazy feminist these days and that women can do anything and still be considered women No magic allowed. Of course, it's a good thing, gender roles are stupid and limiting. *sigh* I've never been a dress-up person, that's why crossdressing just won't work for me. And for some reason, I can't make androgyny work. Nothing has meaning any more in this world.