I've been having doubts about my gender identity for at least 7 months. I can come up with many valid reasons why I might be trans, but at the same time I can't shake the feeling that I'm just thinking like this because I want to be "different". I've never fit in and still feel like I don't, culturally and socially. I also feel that I couldn't possibly be trans and that it's just a questioning phase I'm taking too far because of my interest in LGBT issues. I've been watching many, many YouTube videos made by trans people about their experiences and reading countless articles about the topic lately, and thinking about it too much is making me withdraw socially and become anxious. Every time someone uses a "gendered" word (she/her pronouns, my mom calling me her daughter, etc.) it makes me panic a bit because I immediately think about this big question. It's always in the back of my mind. As a kid, I can remember wanting a penis, wondering when I would grow one, and trying to pee standing up. I also always took the "male" role in pretend games, preferring to be the knight/adventurer with no desire to be the "princess" at all. Now, I enjoy crossdressing, presenting masculinely and generally confusing people about my gender. I prefer to take a male role in theater and experience moods where I feel taller, stronger, and bigger than I am. I also don't desire to have children, and have never wanted to be a mother. Being pregnant doesn't seem like something that will ever, ever happen to me. Wearing skirts and dresses was never an issue before (not that I can remember), but lately wearing a skirt seems like an impossibility. I don't feel dysphoric about my body, not since I swapped 10 inches of my hair for a boy's haircut. My long, thick hair used to be extremely irritating; I couldn't stand it touching my face and hated it's weight and taking care of it. Since I donated literally all of my hair, I haven't missed having long hair AT ALL. (Also, I haven't felt the need to put on any make-up since, and generally feel much more comfortable with my face). It's like this has only come up this year. I've known about transgender people since I signed up for tumblr 3 years ago, but only really starting researching it this year because of the emergence of this question. Do you think I could be trans and in denial, or cis and just confused?
You sound like you are trans and you are not in denial. You are just going through a process of acceptance and beginning to cope with the doubts that everyone has when they begin the process. I can't know for sure but I do know that your narrative is familiar and I've read the same story time and time again here. Anyway, you were really brave to come here and share what you did, take your time and be patient with yourself. It is a long process and it can take a while until everything falls into place and you figure out who you are. (*hug*)
Thanks so much for your support. I'll certainly try to take some time and let things play out, knowing who you are is a hard thing.
