My first post on this website... This seems like the best thing to post about. I identify as a male, though nobody knows that (hence my username). I could talk to my friends about these types of things, who are also apart of the LGBT+ community, but it might seem like I'm copying the four other FtMs I know and that I just want attention. I don't. Besides, I came out to them as genderfluid awhile ago, and then they might think that I don't know what I want. I honestly don't like the term genderfluid to be associated with me. Or female, bigender, genderqueer, etc. Anyway, I've always felt weird in my skin and body ever since I could remember. I've never felt like a girl like the other ones despite being forced to wear dresses and was told to not do anything remotely masculine by my extended conservative family. I've always liked to assume the role of the male in a roleplaying game as a child. Yes, I would take the role of the female every once and awhile, but just because my friends preferred to have all female people in the family games we played at recess. I also would attempt to pee standing up and felt like I was supposed to have a penis, so I could do that. I never had come to peace with the fact that I'm destined to a cup size of D-F because of my family genes. I was perfectly fine as I was younger, but puberty ran me over, and I was left trying to deal with the feeling of being incomplete. Not too recently, I found out what transgender was from Jazz on youtube. I felt comforted by it for some reason. Later, when my friend Alex, then later another friend, Oliver, came out as FtM, I realized how real being transgender is. I was jealous that they got to live as a boy despite being born as the female sex, but I couldn't. Or could I? I haven't mentioned my dysphoria to anybody, afraid of what would happen, but also because I don't feel like I can be called a male if I act like I do. I'll list a few reasons: Cis: I'm fine with wearing (minimal) makeup. Being a cosplayer, I'm fine with cosplaying as a girl. But I also see cosplaying as not being me during that time, but being the character instead. I like wearing heels. But, then again, most of my dysphoria comes from my height... It could be that. I like being able to hit the high soprano notes in choir. I'm able to relate to girls and have a good number of female friends and "female interests". Trans: I hate how short I am. 5'2. My friends always point out my height. Even the ones who are 5'3. I don't feel attractive or right unless I'm dressed/cosplaying as a boy, even when I'm told I look pretty. I'm unable to believe people when they say I'm pretty, but if I'm told I look good while dressed as a guy, I feel..good. Being a girl is like autopilot kinda. I don't feel like I'm living. Days go by fast because I can't feel time move, I'm just there. I dislike being called a 'girl', 'sister', 'daughter', 'girlfriend', etc. I'm unbelievably uncomfortable in dresses and skirts. I had to go to a wedding last weekend and wear a strapless dress. It was absolutely dreadful. I have to wear it again next Friday for a school dance. I very much dislike my feminine curves and breasts and all of that. It may seem obvious from the lists I wrote, but to me, it's not really. Some days I know I'm stuck in the wrong body. Other days, I feel like I should feel bad for wanting to be something I'm not. Other, other days, I feel like I'm a girl, and I just want to be a guy to have a reason to feel the way I do. I just really don't know what I am anymore. I could start identifying as a boy, but I could also stay as I am and maybe the feelings will all just go away. Am I in denial?
Doubts are normal. Dysphoria goes up and down, and it's easy to think you're making it up or just copying other people on days when you don't have a lot of dysphoria. You seem pretty sure that you're a trans guy, and it seems like you're just having some trouble accepting that. I think you're right about being trans. It'll just take some time for the doubts to fade.
I still get thoughts of denial and party internalized transphobia too i guess. And i've been out for over a year so it's completely normal and you sound like pretty trans to me. Most of my denial has vanished though, since I've realised I wouldn't be going through all of this trouble if I wasn't actually trans. Denial's pretty common, honestly. And yeah, I second that dysphoria varies. For me it can vary from "very very minor barely there" to "literal breakdown, very intense. would not recommend". And on your list why you might be cis: Make-up, cosplay, & heels: this doesn't make you less male at all! I dig make-up and will probably be rocking it now and again when I've been on T for a while. Also, I did theatre for a while and wasn't completely out to everyone in the group (some of them though) and while I was uncomfortable getting misgendered out of character it was okay to present as a female character seeing as that's not me. Like i really digged the style the last character i portrayed, including the make-up! Not conforming to general male stereotypes doesn't make you less trans! Most of my friends from my hometown are female! Most of my friends from uni are male though. Anyways, what friends you have doesn't define your gender! Also, you say you've experienced these feelings for a longer time so I'm pretty sure they won't go away. Looking back on my childhood and early teen years I'm trying to figure out how I didn't realise that I was trans earlier. like, honestly? I've never really identified with being female. And puberty was hell lmao. I came out as agender at first, but then realised that hell, I'm more comfortable w/ being seen and referred to as a man and not at all comfortable w/ female terms. Another thing that also cleared it up for me was trying to imagine myself in the future and i literally cannot imagine myself as anything else than a man. So there's that.
I completely understand where you're coming from because I am in the exact same boat right now. I was born female and now I don't know what I am. I've always been a bit of a tomboy, I wear skirts and dresses from time to time but other times I hate the idea of wearing them. I hate makeup and I don't care to mess with my hair much, I just let it be. I prefer baggy shirts and things that don't show off my curves, I want to be skinny but I hate wearing skin tight clothing that shows off my breasts and curves. I'm not I would completely consider myself trans though. I kinda want to have a kid and have her call me mommy and I'm more attracted to men than I am to women, although I'm bi. You seem like you're farther along than I am though. From the way you talk, I believe you are a trans male but you're still in a bit of denial and a bit afraid of coming out to your friends, thinking they won't believe you. I on the other hand am not sure if I'm trans or just genderfluid.
Well, i've got to be honest, i really relate to your situation a lot. From the on-and-off dysphoria to the slight stereotypically feminine tendencies. So, being in a similar situation, it's kinda hard for me to give you much advice or offer an opinion (or maybe that'd make it easier, i dunno)... but i really want to try, so, here goes! From what your saying, it sounds pretty trans (if that's even grammatically correct...). I'm not saying your are, and i'm not saying your not, that's all up to you to ponder on for a while and hopefully come to a conclusion on. But, honestly, what your going through really does line up to the definition of trans. Occasionally wearing some heels or cosplaying as girls and being alright with it doesn't make you any less masculine (in fact, i do those things too!). And, if anyone says it does, then that's just stereotype-BS! It's not just a "You must be this tall to ride this ride" thing, you can be anyone to use certain pronouns! Go with whatever pronouns you're comfortable with and don't worry about society's concept of 'male'! Just as long as your happy with yourself, it's cool, whatever pronouns you want. And, also, you yourself seem pretty certain on the matter, and no one knows you better than you, so just try to be who and what you honestly want to be, even if you have to be subtle about it around your family or end up having to wait a little before you can fully transition. If you want to be a guy, that's cool. If you end up deciding to stick with female or maybe go with neutral pronouns, that's also cool. Maybe, with your current situation, it might not be safe to come out just yet (or it is, i mean, i don't know your life...) because of your family or where you live or something, but you'll always have the chance to transition. You'll have that option for the rest of your life even, so take all the time you need to decide! Your friends seem pretty safe to out yourself to now though, so maybe tell them how you feel at some point so they can help you out. Or maybe even ask them to start calling you by male pronouns! That way you can see how you feel about it, maybe it'd help you make a final decision! Unless your uncomfortable with telling your friends just yet, in which case, maybe try out doing more things heavily associated with the male gender, or just think about what kinda person you'd want to be if you were male. That's what i tend to do! I just subtly crossdress around the house by wearing a breast binder made out of an old pair of tights and just overall playing with my mannerisms and such! So, to sum it up nice and quickly, just take your sweet time (if you need it) and try to be happy with yourself! And don't feel like there's any 'qualifications' to being trans, 'cause there's not. Don't feel bad or ashamed or something about being trans either, that'd suck. And, also, what transdameron said up there sounded pretty good, 'try to imagine yourself in the future'. It's working for me! Hopefully i could be of at least a little help, i hope everything goes well for you! -Umi
