I have always been a bit of a tomboy and I never cared for dresses, tights, or makeup. However, I occasionally get into moods where I want to feel pretty and dress in something nice like a dress or a skirt. I feel comfortable in skinny jeans but not in tight shirts that show off my curves or breasts. I prefer to wear looser tops and I love loose tank tops. I sometimes dream of having a penis and being a guy and I wake up and I feel so disoriented and confused. I dream of having sex as a guy and I feel uncomfortable in my own body sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I should be a guy and that I'm in the wrong body and other times I want to dress girly and look cute. I mostly ignore my breasts or don't even realize they're there. Sometimes I look down and I'm surprised my chest isn't flat. I'm not sure what to do. I feel like my name should be Ace and being called by my birth name makes me cringe slightly and I feel slightly uncomfortable being called daughter, girl, or female. But at the same time, I want to adopt kids and have them call me mommy, and be their mom. Am I really a trans!man or am I just genderfluid? Am I in denial? I don't even know where to begin.
It's all expression, what you described. Gender identity is who you are on the inside. You can be a tomboy and be a girl, you can be a guy and like dresses. But... you being uncomfortable with female terms might point you're non-binary or a guy.
I'm feeling a little more open and a little less scared and anxious today and I think that I really might be trans. I ordered my first binder today and I can't wait to try it on when it arrives. I'm hoping that it will help with the depression and anxiety I feel when I look in the mirror. I also was able to procure some of my younger brother's clothes that he no longer wanted and I feel so much more comfortable in this button up shirt and jeans than before. I'm a little excited now and I know I'll have more up and down rough patches and I still feel bouts of indecision and confusion but right now I feel that this is what I am. This is who I am.
I don't think that all you've talked about has just been gender expression, although some of it is. For example, whether or not you sometimes like dresses has nothing to do with gender. That being said, you also talk about experiences that show that you clearly have dysphoria, and that is definitely a part of gender for many/most trans people. You've marked yourself as a trans male on your profile, and I think you are probably right. It sounds like you want to be a guy and have dysphoria. Wanting to be a mom doesn't really change anything. You can like roles/words associated with women in certain situations without it meaning you're a woman. For example, I like being called by my birthname by my grandfather because it's what I'm used to and it makes me feel close to him. It doesn't mean I actually connect to my birthname in most situations. You want to be a mom because it's the connection to your future kids you've always imagined having. That makes sense. It doesn't necessarily mean you're actually a woman at all. Are there reasons you think you're nonbinary other than wanting to be a mom or having fluid gender expression? If not, I think it's likely that you're a trans guy.
