For a while after I came out, I had no internet access, until finally I found a loophole and got it back. One of the main things that helped me prior to coming out was watching some FTM Youtubers. And months passed, I didn't see their videos. I go back on, and they've gotten so far in their transitions while I was away. Alex Bertie (therealalexbertie) was pre-T when I went offline, and a few months later I crawl back to his channel and see that he is now on T. I just... I cried when I saw that. I watched every one of his videos before, and to see him finally getting there - on T - was beautiful. But in the same way, it hurts. It hurts so bad when I see other people's transitions while I am still here. Yes, I am so happy for them. But I'm still waiting for that day. Waiting for the day I can wear clothes without having my skin crawl off, waiting for when I get a binder, for when I can have short hair again, for when I go by Alec, for when I wear boxers the first time, for when I get into gender therapy, for when I get on T, for when my voice cracks, for when I can pee standing up, for when I grow a beard, for when I have top surgery, for when I can grow up and be a man. I'm waiting and waiting and waiting. Every day, I'm still here. Stuck. Crying. Longing. Hoping. Fearing. Waiting. I have been waiting so long already. I just... I don't know, it hurts. It just hurts.
Tell me about it. (*hug*) I had to spend the night in a ward last year, which was a first for me, because of the same reason. I don't know how it is for you, but I find that doing things where my gender is irrelevant helps me; doing fun things like playing drums or watching my favorite anime doesn't require me to have boobs, nor does it remind me that I want them in the same way that e.g. the idea of swimming does. Also, I try to pick myself up when I'm feeling down. I've gotten a lot better at not falling into despair these days, either by keeping myself preoccupied with fun things, or just by crying my eyes out when I feel the time is right rather than thinking too much about unpleasant things. Music helps me a lot. I can send some song recommendations. ---------- Post added 14th May 2016 at 03:19 PM ---------- "Wings" by Jeff and Casey Lee Williams. "Let It Burn" by Red. "Hold My Heart" by Tenth Avenue North. "Iridescent" by Linkin Park.
I know how you feel, and you are not alone in this. The wait is one of the most difficult parts. Waiting to come out or waiting to transition or waiting for hormones or surgery or for things to just finally work out and come together, there seems to be so much time for us trans people stuck in limbo, and that time can hurt a lot. There's so much turmoil of different emotions all the time, and it can often feel like such a huge test of patience and endurance. It sucks. It really does and I feel you on every front. But, as long as the tunnel seems and as much as we sometimes simply cannot see the light and when we will reach it, one thing that is certain is that progress is being made and things are changing every day, whether we notice it or not. We are moving closer to the future that we dream and want, and even if there are setbacks and obstacles and what feels like an eternity of waiting, what feels impossible and so distant now is not out of reach. Ever. Second by second we are moving forward, and doing the best we can to do so. Waiting is hard, being stuck is difficult and wearing, but if we must walk this bridge before getting to our goals and a happier future then we will walk it; and often find more strength than we thought we had in us. I don't have any brilliant advice to make it feel better, but I tend to dive into my own work, or other distractions, if the emotions get tough. I vent, either to myself in writing or something, privately, or onto places like here where I can be myself for a while. Listening to music. Making tiny, do-able steps forward. Doing my research into trans things and finances and practicalities. Things such as that. Best of luck, and keep holding on. There may not be any magical miracle that, in a snap of our fingers, may fix all this or speed up time, but we have our strength and the promise that things change, sometimes for the better sometimes temporarily for the worse, but we will get there in the end.
Hey Alec, every trans person has to wait at some point. Actually everyone has too at some time in their lives, some for longer than is endurable. But being trans is only one part of you. So don't see this as a time in your life where you're on pause or waiting for your life to even start or however you may see it. Work on other parts of yourself and focuses in your life, things that can let you forget about the painful stuff. (*hug*)
I'm sorry to hear you feel that way. I really don't know anything about this as I'm pre-transition myself, but I would suggest taking any small steps you can right now. I guess I don't really know about your situation, but you can wear boxers anytime! I wore them even before I knew I was transgender for sure. They're f****** comfortable! I don't know how your home life is or why you can't wear men's clothes or have a men's haircut, but if those are options for you you can definitely do that too. If none of those things are an option for you, then it always helps me to just plan for the future and imagine what I'm going to be like some day and how happy l could be. But I love planning for the future. It's one of my greatest joys in life.
