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Pre-T and feeling less dysphoric now that I've lost weight?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Rickystarr, May 15, 2016.

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  1. Rickystarr

    Rickystarr
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    I just looked at my hips in the mirror which I often do masochistically, and they have become much less pronounced and ugly in my eyes. I've lost maybe eight pounds and it seems to have all come from there. That makes me happy. But "ironically" my weight loss is most likely due to depression and sleeping and not eating a lot and mostly just smoking cigarettes because of lack of appetite. I think my cheeks look less full too. Have I given myself an eating disorder?! Anyone else have an experience like this in any way?

    Keep in mind I was already skinny, just with flabby awkward upper hips that are the bane of my existance. I am 5'7 and 120 lb now...not exactly a manly build, but better than having hips I guess?
     
    #1 Rickystarr, May 15, 2016
    Last edited: May 15, 2016
  2. iamjustababy

    iamjustababy Active Member

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    I went through the same thing, back in the days of my early transition.
    Although my weight loss was due to disordered eating.
    I lost 10 pounds in a week, and felt the least disphoric ever. I hardly had hips, my chest was about an A cup, and my life felt amazing.
    But it slowly snowballed into disordered eating.

    Try not to get focused on losing weight, don't over exercise, don't count calories, and don't worry about your weight to much if you're truly worried about developing an ED.
    Also, stop smoking. It's bad for your health :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
    #2 iamjustababy, May 15, 2016
  3. darkcomesoon

    darkcomesoon
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    It's not an eating disorder if you're not doing it on purpose. Unless you are purposefully not eating in order to lose weight, you haven't given yourself an eating disorder. That being said, it puts you in a risky situation where if you're someone with other risk factors for developing an eating disorder, you could start wanting to lose more weight in order to relieve more dysphoria, and that can turn into a dangerous cycle.

    I have similar experiences in that I actually do have trouble with disordered eating because of a desire to keep weight off my hips and chest, which is why I'm particularly prone to suggest caution in these situations. It's not fun to have to worry about something like this all the time, so I would recommend trying really hard to not let yourself lose any more weight right now (particularly because your weight is already on the lower end of average for your height). If you're at risk of having this turn into a problem, it's important to break the cycle before it really begins.

    Still, I'm glad you're feeling less dysphoric! I hope you can find other things that make you feel better about your body too. Personally, I've found that it helps me to work out because as I gain muscle, I find that it makes my body more masculine.
     
    #3 darkcomesoon, May 15, 2016
  4. Mihael

    Mihael
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    Yeah, hardships in life, lots of worrying and exhaustion (not an eating disorder but simply not eating enough because loss of apetite), and I suddenly felt better about my face and hips...
     
    #4 Mihael, May 15, 2016
  5. Rickystarr

    Rickystarr
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    Thanks guys! Glad to hear it is not just me. It just sucks because I have to choose either having a healthy weight that might make me look stronger but would also make me look more "womanly" or being frail but looking more "boyish".

    The funny/sad thing is, I worked really hard to put on all the weight I had to avoid looking "delicate". Two years ago I weighed about 110. I was thrilled with my weight gain until I started noticing "curves" and that is what set off my real body dysphoria. I complained once to my fiancee that I felt fat and she replied "no you look voluptuous," which really freaked me out, and this was after I had confessed my feelings of dysmorphia to her and she still says shit like that and doesn't understand how that is still a gendered word and probably the very last word I would ever want to hear and makes me feel really shitty. Anyway, before it was mostly social.

    I could see how one could develop an eating disorder like this. Once I played DDR so much that my period stopped. XD at the time I was freaked out because I thought I got pregnant somehow which is of course my very worst nightmare (also more or less impossible though.)
     
    #5 Rickystarr, May 15, 2016
    Last edited: May 15, 2016
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