Is this just in a phase, or for self esteem boost?

SO. I just got out of a draining conversation with my mom and sister tonight after dinner.
First off. I've been on here before questioning if I was Genderfluid or what. And I have told my mom and some of my family this already, of mine having more feeling of being a man than a woman. And all have been positive assuring me that I am still loved, which is wonderful. But having them understand, or convinced that I'm not just in a phase is another story.

My sister anyways has stated that because she looked up these cases, saying that phycologists say that their cases have had people experience this since they were at a very young age. And since I didn't really show any huge signs of it at a young age, even growing up relatively gender neutral from mom and dads upbringing, though still hating feminine things and wearing girly clothes, then I "Can't just go out of the blue saying that you want to be a different gender, and expect everyone to go along with it right away."

AND. When my trans cousin was brought into this, she says that it's different because he knew, and so did everyone else to an extent since the beginning. AND when trying to get the pronouns right, she let slip "She-..He-It."

:eek: IT?! *laughing with disbelief that was JUST said* That's when I though my tears getting stronger just thought "OK~! We're done here! Good night everyone! Oh what's the cat doing? Tra la la la la" It's not from hate or bigotry mind you, but I just laughed at it because really what else could I do.

Then mom trying to settle me down as me just sitting there looking at whatever else was around to focus on as I usually do when I'm upset, stressed, or anxious. (Aspergers btw) And her thoughts are, that because of my Aspergers that I tend to focus on nothing but something that comes to my attention or interest, be it anime, drawing, what have you, and believes that this is one of those cases. To really focus on finding what makes me happy as person not a gender, and to not pay attention to what others view me as. Also that finding a job that assists with that will help me along as well. She also kept suggesting that I seek advice from others like our therapist even though they're not gender specific for this situation, or forums or something.

Well. That's an interesting theory mom. BUT~:

First off. While I may not have exactly been shouting off from the roofs that "I'm a boy" since I was 4 or 9, that doesn't mean that what I'm feeling isn't real.

Second. While having a job might sound like a nice way to distract myself from this, I've already been feeding myself a plethora of distractions from thinking too hard on this and having it drive me insane. And going to a job that will have people calling me miss, or she, or her, while I am trying my hardest to look like a man is not going to make me any happier or help my work ethic in any way. Even by some miracle from the heavens I find something in this dead end place that I can be in given my amount of anxieties and setbacks of my Aspergers and so on.

Third. Part of my problem IS what others keep saying, at least based on my gender identiy. It makes me feel less of a person when I keep getting 'she, her,' thrown in my face.

Forth. Because I said that before for the longest time, I just felt like nothing in terms of gender identity, they also took that as me feeling like I'm nothing in the sense I'm worthless. And that has more factor in my sudden change than anything else, thinking this is a way to feel something, and self esteem. And, in that sense they're kinda right. I do feel something when I'm more male. Happy. Proud. Brave. Genuine. Putting on my first binder I cried tears of joy feeling so happy seeing myself with the possibility of a flat chest.

But through all this babbling on, I do also second guess myself at times. Am I just making this up in my head to make myself feel better? For my self esteem? They suggested that I seek advice and answers from others and that's just what I'm doing now. So please let me know...IS this just a phase?? Or for a self esteem boost? AM I just doing this for the moment?

 

Thank you Ace. I appreciate your opinion and support, it means a lot to have an outsider's opinion. Last night before the whole conversation started with mom and sis I asked my grandma and grandpa if I could 'talk' with them sometime. So, I'm having a lunch with them Wednesday and we're ordering in. I don't want to go to a public place because I know I'll start loosing it and cry. I know they're pretty open minded and will still love me, but it's still terrifying to tell. I felt the same with my parents and siblings when I told them. All of them in a car at night, since it's my confessional apparently lol. It's more nerve wracking for me to tell someone I'm close to like family and friends than it is with a stranger, because I haven't grown up with them so their opinions don't matter, so this is more on the line for me. I guess if this wasn't real then I wouldn't be so scared of loosing them or saying it out loud to them. I'm not a great actor, so I can't possibly fake tears or something like that on the spot.

But thanks Ace, I'll let you get back to finding the One Piece (seeing from your icon I'm assuming) (*hug*)