Growing up, I was pretty sure about my sexual orientation. I was hit with the fact that I was gay at around age 8, and I think because I learned about it that young, I never was too scared about it. I know now that there is nothing wrong with being gay, but it still is not the norm, and mildly taboo in some areas, and definitely has some negative baggage associated with it (I lived in the town that had the most churches per capita a few years back, just a pointer). I'm sure this is commonplace for people like myself, being scared to come out and scared to show their love for somebody, but just pointing my current mentality here. Because I knew I was gay at a young age, I probably made some silly decisions a bit back, one of them being to hide everything until college, which is where I can escape my family if things turn out bad. Looking back, that was a bit silly, but its where I am now. For 10 (ish) years I have been hiding my feelings towards other people, not knowing if its love, or just friendship. Throughout middle school, I told myself that clearly, I'm not in love with anybody, its just close friends that enjoy hanging out with me. I said that for the remainder of my years in public school, I would ignore all love, avoid relationships with either sex, and just see where life takes me. I never got cold, just very lonely and I always wished that I could DO something. High school is where I confirmed my sexuality, only really getting turned on by men. I bought some toys to help my needs, but I'm in this state where I really need companionship. I have neglected feelings for anybody for really most my life, and it shows. I don't know proper dating behavior, I don't know the way to hook up, I don't know how to take a hint. I want to find a hookup on like ****** or ****** or something, but I can't bring myself to do it just because of how scared I am. I can't bring myself to dating, not because of rejection, but because I don't want to waste anybody's time. In the end, I'm just so lonely. I need something or somebody to be with me so I'm not so alone throughout my life.
