Just feel like I'm living two lives. I know a lot of transgender people say they experience this, but for me it is a first time feeling. I spent the last year questioning my gender and talking about it on here or other sights. I got use to knowing myself as Matto or Ryan. A trans guy. I got use to feeling like it was the most normal thing in the world. Now that I'm back in school I have to be Stacy again. I think the lack of feeling upset about that bothers me to a degree. The lack of not being upset about having to use the female restrooms, or being addressed as she, and such things bother me. I feel as a trans man I should be constantly upset by the fact that I am a "girl", but it just doesn't. I still constantly think about being a boy, but for the time being I have to be Stacy. When I get home, or log onto EC between classes I get to be Ryan. I do grow uncomfortable when we talk about where we see ourselves in five years, because saying I see myself working on a masters and living full time as a man doesn't seem to be the smart answer to give in the state that I live. In Human Sexuality, when we're talking about penises and vaginas, and what arouses males and females, I am constantly reminded that I want to be apart of the male side. ( I also cringe at the lack of representation for non-binary and intersex individuals) I don't I guess being around people makes me confused about my gender again. In private I have no doubt that I am Ryan, but once around other people I seem to fall back into the default of Stacy. Kind of like being a shape-shifter who can shift between the two depending on who I am around. I seem to let those around me decide who I'll be, and it is annoying as hell.
I don't feel like I live two lives, but recently I've started feeling like I'm in some sort of in-between state where I'm neither male nor female and since I don't really identify or understand non-binary identities (wholly support them though, of course.) I feel like I'm just completely outside society at this point. I don't know how to act, what to say, how to look--I feel like a ghost who is waiting for their new corporeal body. So I guess instead of feeling like I've two lives, I'm feeling like I have no life.
I kind of feel this way butthat one of my lives feels fake and the other feels like its just starting. The life I live in public feels like one of those really boring movies (like the Matrix 2) and my life on EC feels like the intro to my real life. Am I making sense?
You are making perfect sense. I'm not sure how to cross the lives over. I want girl life to end and my EC life to become my life in the real world as well.
