No idea

Hey folks, sorry to spam so much.

Alert: long as hell.

So I've got no idea what's going on. Let me tell the story.

Since the very first day of kindergarten, I felt something was off, I couldn't comprehend girls and found it easy and natural to play with boys. I'm quite much of a loner and independent thinker, so I probably got away unaffected by social norms and perceptions for a long time. Gender was like... whatever. They told me I'm a girl, I went with that, I liked pink. It seemed very arbitrary and the next role-playing game. So I played the game, it was fun to play pretend. I genuinely thought it's another game and never thought otherwise until I hit 15 and was finally proven wrong. I sort of always thought that boys have the easier end, and that the other girls are pretending too. I thought it must be the patriarchy and opression, that something bad must happen to women, violence, maybe it's the periods and births? That was my understanding. I began thinking it's the periods and child bearing, because there was an increased push on me to act like a girl when I started menstruating. The argument was "You are an adult woman now and can bear babies". When I heard that, I went scream, shout and cry, and locked myself in the bedroom. I hit my abdomen really hard, and could no longer feel pain, hoping I will not be an adult woman able to bear babies any more. I got a bit anorectic. I wanted to stop menstruating and wanted all that fat to go away, and wanted to no longer have anemia. It was a disaster. My perents thought I'm happy and pretty and have friends, but I came back home and cried every day that I can't make friends. That they keep on hiding something from me. I didn't understand that they simply get along on the same wavelength.

At 15, it was a revelation. The guys beat each other up on the floor. I, hell, wanted to do that too. But girls are not allowed to in this game, I understood. But my friends, girls, were so genuinely disgusted with this behaviour that I couldn't doubt that their feelings were genuine. I thought... maybe I'm different... maybe I'm more like the guys... I googled that and something like the sex of the brain came up. Random test. Male. Well, that explained a lot. From then on, it kept on getting better with me. I stopped having period panick and understood that there is no patriarchy and it is not uterus that causes women to behave so wierd, but their wiring. I always kind of wondered, I wanted male clothing, I wanted to be a knight, I wanted to cut my hair short and kept on imagining how it would be to be a boy. I didn't want to be a boy per say, but I wanted to do everything boys like to do.

For some reason, I didn't want to be a boy. I think I was told that boys are ugly and violent, so I disassociated from the concept, and described the same thing in different words. Or maybe it was that most boys didn't seem like people I could relate to because I;m sensitive. I always got read as sensitive, I don't know if I actually am. I appreciate art, I like helping others, I find it easy to empathise, and get a lot of feelings, but in fact... I can handle much. People describe me as tough as well. I get emotional but all in all don't loose my cool, I might be shaking but I think clearly and can ignore easily push my body to do something painful, and ignore it. I think it's the main difference between me and the girls. It actually overlaps with description of the best investigated sex difference in the brain, something to do with right versus left amygdala. My source is Wikipedia, so ... whatever, but observing stuff like an amateur, it pretty much agrees. Anyway, I didn't like short hair and boy clothes when I was small. I liked to dress up, I liked all that nice stuff. I thought that clothes and saying "I'm a girl" make a woman. But it turns out not to be true.

I was stuck in my claiming. Denial? Probably. Denial is not bad, you're free to do anything you want to and offer a rationale that pleases everyone :lol: I wondered... I might be agender. I'm not manly at all, I have long hair I didn't want to be treated like a girl, and worked my ass to not look like one, I thought I might be intersex or something, because, heck, why do I feel so manly and why does my body masculinise? (Probably, doing guyish stuff masculinises, like the innate drive to want to be tall and strong) My mom openly wondered if I don't consume testosterone in some way. My response: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Well, if you tell a guy that meat and excersice will make him manly (tall, stong etc), he will probably eat meat and excersice. That was the case, I guess, though unconscious. I think it reached a level when I could no longer ignore those looks in the female bathroom and suggestions from friends that maybe I'm a guy, and my family freaking out. To quote someone: I don't want to be a guy, I am a guy.

I look like a person who needs to get their hormones checked. I think that if it further goes like this, I will pass pretty soon. Year? Two? I already see those strange looks. I got sirred a couple of times. I often don't get a title when others do.

My problem being: I'm not sure if I accept this reality. I mean, being a sir sounds awsome. But I like guys mostly. And guys are mostly straight. I fell in love with a guy, and I worry a lot that he doesn't love me back because I'm trans :tears: I don't even want surgeries, or hormones, I feel great in my body, but I'm so... manly. I don't even want to be girly, to be honest. I like the thought of being a dude in a dress. Maybe I'm a masculine woman? But why divide masculine identities up? Why split hairs? If I feel like I'm a he, then why divide this up?

I tried to come back to being more feminine and I can't emotionally bear it, it takes away all the joy from my life and the amount of stress is physically dangerous. Add lack of genuine, free contact with others and a disaster is ready. Really a natural disaster going on inside me. And I mean it. Like you poured acid or fire into my veins.

I hope I will feel like a woman and maybe sometimes do, but that much not in a sense of shared experience. I felt like a woman today when I took heavy shopping home, and was wearing a dress ( a black, baggy dress I like). Perhaps it's an odd way to feel like a woman, becuase in general carrying heavy stuff is manly. I think I can only feel like mother tiger or something like this. I don't even cling with the concept of mother. I don't like babies. I'm a severe case of "got a male brain". I'm slightly disgusted with babies. It feels so alien. Breastfeeding disgusts me as well, and I will not be able to do it, let's face it. I feel like I'm going to beat up someone who tried to hug me too much. It takes a lot for me to feel like a woman. Only when I go by my own definitions. I recently started to feel great about periods (what the hell...?) (I think to myself that I'm badass, because blood :lol:, I imagine it's the "Alien" film and I'm Ripley), I started to want to be a mother, probably in an unconventional way, and I know how I'm going to do it: I'm just not going to participate in the so called feminine support, it's the culture that makes me feel bad about myself. I will gather people who understand me and celebrate it with them :icon_wink No women allowed in the house. I noticed that with period: it is participation in general "tribal" femininity that makes me feel so bad. No women, no problem. Paradoxically, my dad helped me out and dudes understand better what I'm going through with period, and paradoxically, understand better how I understand being a parent, motherhood and so on. Like, really, we got different parts on the assemply line, isn't it supposed to feel different then? Maybe parts don't mean a thing, and it's just false attribution of brain development patterns to genitals. I believe it more and more. I have more and more disbelief for anything I don't question, I became awfully sceptical.

I want to feel like a woman. And unfortunately, I feel more and more like a man. :tears: I went to college and the dudes sort of kidnapped me as a cool buddy and two in one. I genuinely feel like one of them, I have never felt something like this before. Cisgender men. I also feel like a cisgender man (not transgender man). In a very simple manner. Belonging and connection I struggled to find for so long. They accept me as one of them and don't treat me like a girl, and don't talk to me like to a girl. It feels good. I feel like maybe... maybe I'm confused? Maybe that's feeling like not enough of a woman? Maybe I need to find women who are like me? I always thought it's the fact I'm more technical minded than most girls, I was the only girl in my school to take exams in physics and want to study that sort of stuff. The rest seemed genuinely uninterested, even when they were good at it, they preferred bio, because it lead to more people-oriented stuff. I hate people. Don't get me wrong. I like you all, I just... I don't even know, people don't seem as interesting as computers I like all the manly sh** available :lol: And then, I went to college and met other techie women, and I don't find them relatable. I still shuffle away with the gentlemen. At least I'm not ashamed to come across as masculine any more. I used to be very ashamed of being so dudeish. I think that's a bit different story than most, isn't it? I think I'll get myself more dude clothes, I find them nicer anyway. (Who made up the gendering of clothing, anyway?) I think I already know what kind of guy I am and I thought I must be a girl, because I'm not the most common type, I'm the one that comes across as somewhat feminine and gay in appearance But why am I surprised? If I am a dude, I'm more gay than not. Sexual role is a thing. Probably that has a connection to my wanting to appeal to men and look nice.

I fell in love with one guy. Madly. I worried a lot at some point that he isn't interested in me, because I'm... trans? It's not a question of how I look at all, but that ... you see above, I'm manly as hell, I'm not like any original girl. I'm a gay man with female junk. I'm a man in a slightly feminine gender role and with female body. Which from my point of view makes sense: there is no one right way to do a gender role. I do all the same stuff, but in a different way. If I cook, I don't do that in that subtle way girls usually do that, food is in the air and the knife goes quickly and preisely through all the vegetables, with a noise. Is that in any way wrong? The stereotypical chef is a guy I'm good at all those things, I'm good at being a girl: I'm very good at being a girl. As a role, as tasks to do. I'm not that bad with kids either in the end. Anyway, I think to let go this fear that nobody will love me, and freakin' stop being ashamed of who I am. I'm not hiding, but I sort of feel bad and ashamed. I feel a bit like it was wrong. Like I should feel like a woman, like I should feel this belonging, that I should feel like I share their femaleness. Which is bullsh** as I now think about it when I wrote it already. I am me and they are them, and as I already concluded, probably the sharing of experience is a result of brain, not anatomy, and wrongly attributed to anatomy in this culture. I have no obligation to identify with anyone. I feel like I should behave more like a woman all the time. Why the hell do I do that? Why do I keep on pressuring myself? Why exactly is it wrong? I think I reached an irrational claim that was underlying my thinking. I think it's some sort of trauma, I have all sorts of unpleasant memories right now. Like people laughing at me or being disgusted, or my attribution of my behaviour to girls not accepting me and linking this with them not liking me and being awful, which was probably a misunderstanding. Not everyone has to get along. But... when I faced it recently again, it wasn't all that bad. People stare and look confused, that's a fact. But only a small portion of them are actually unpleasant. And probably they are people who always find a reason to be unpleasant.

Thank you for reading. Maybe I'll read it later and actually understand what I wrote.

 

I think I matured to the thought of having children. I swore myself to never do it and was okey with it, but now I think that maybe I'd want children? It might be difficult though. As I said, I'm disgusted with babies, it looks like scenes from a horror film. I don't know, I just didn't get something in the head, I think. I just don't read or like something other females do. Supposedly it was proved on monkeys that females gravitate to round shapes since a very young age. Probably that's the babies thing. For me it's just... Nah, i don't get it. I hate feminine clothing as well. I don't get it. I always did wierd things with dolls, everything but nursing. I'm also not too patient. I don't know if I can avoid hating the baby. I just need a nurse, I think. I can make money, I'm not too bad at this. But again: many fathers take care of babies. I think the point here is: society tells that we are supposed to feel certain ways about certain things. And we don't have to. That certain ways of doing things are correct and others not. That's bullsh**.

It all started with my dad telling me how it is to be a dad and I really liked it He also said something about women wanting babies so much, and I told him that I'm afraid I'll never get it, because my friends already do and I feel... disgusted. Finally someone understood me.

I mean, who is to say what's right? I can't help the slight feeling of horror, but this is okey. I'm really afraid that... I was really not meant to be female in a way. But then again, I watched this video about gay dads And about a trans guy going through pregnancy. And I saw this family film about a dad and kids... You know, one of those that are on TV on Saturday and everyone wants to sit and do nothing, and kids are around. And I increasingly feel okey abot feeling the way I do. Those two dads seemed to be great parents I thought I was going to cry. If the difference would be just a month of feeling crappy because I can't do stuff? I think I can make it. I find it really odd that gay dads make sense to me but a straight couple doesn't. There is a much greater chance of me relating to a man overall, so actually why am I surprised...? I want to be a dad xP I really thought there has to be a mom in the family and that a mom has to behave in a certain motherly way. Hm. That's all wierd. How to encourage an eternal tomboy to becoming a mom :lol:

I'm not sure why the society keeps on policing human sexual instincts so much.

*sigh* I'm not ever going to be normal, am I? When high school friends will see me, they will ask me why I started being a man. Probably they already wonder, becuase I look quite masculine in my new profile picture on facebook. LGBT+ friends liked. The heteronormative ones not so much My ex best friend didn't ever approve my tendency to look and behave like a dude.

 

The grieving process, oh yes, I feel like someone died. Authentically. I've been feeling this a lot lately.

I came out to my family, I think (?), because I wanted to "revert" to my "old self" for the period of Easter and... disaster. Like that idiot, I wore a dress and behaved excessively feminine. Which raised suspicion, together with my voice seriously sounding different, the ability to lift 30k in one hand, shoulders that got broader than hips and a bunch of stereotypically manly behaviours. It was a pain. My mom panicked and was angry at my dad very, very much. She thought I don't love her or something. Disaster, guys. Disaster. But now she seems to be pretty assured I like her (even though I don't entirely relate), I did my best to communicate that I love her as much as I always did, but I'm not who she thought I was, and probably... they got my gender wrong at the very beginning :lol: I seriously look like my dad when he was my age. You could confuse us two in a photo. Probably she saw that, and oh hell... I was accused of copying dad. The shitstorm was unbelievable. She was trying to pressure me back, I suffered from this, stood up for myself, mom felt rejected and hurt, I felt guilty and bad about myself... Wait, that explains a lot. And probably that's the reason I'm feeling so crappy and wierd at the same time recently.

Dad seemed better though He bought me flip-flops from the men's section and told me to let the ladies first So... I feel baptised. Like Dobby when he got a sock. Mom even adressed me in male forms (I'm not a native of English, my first language has gender in verbs) recently. I pretended not to notice, but... maybe... some form of acknowledgement and acceptance?

I also discovered I'm bi in the process. I have a theory that in a straight relationship I related to the guy all the time, but my mind processed it in a wierd way, and... I couldn't just imagine myself as a lesbian - a woman with a woman. Even though I was clearly turned on by women since a young age and even had a crush on one or a couple. It just somehow didn't process. I couldn't imagine myself, it didn't feel real. I could imagine myself only as a guy with a girl and I thought that's because I'm only into guys. There had to be one guy at least. Ah... my own reasoning... That I didn't figure it out sooner that I am the guy in this story...

Good to hear it Maybe it's not going to be that bad then

---------- Post added 20th May 2016 at 01:30 PM ----------

I don't think I want to be called mom... My name will suffice. I prefer my name :lol: That androgynous chop-off I've been using since I went to school.

Well, pregnancy isn't the most pleasant thing in this world, is it? I also used to feel pinicky at the thought. See the beginning of the first post. I feel really bad about anything that disables me physically. But if I can do that as a guy and without compromising who I am, than I probably can.

 

Rediscovering femininity feels very strange, because I know it may not look like this, but I feel a bit MtF (?). I lost the skill of walking properly in a dress because I almost never wore dresses, I swagger like a man and sit like a man. I never really painted my nails, I've got manly hands. I never really enjoyed that pretty underwear, and shopping for a bra was a nightmare. But now... I appreciate those laces. I feel like I'm going to pierce my ears. Wow.

I seriously got caught on transitioning by my parents What a story... Smuggling such an issue under the table...

 

I've got to do something about this.

Why did this suddenly become such a huge problem?

I'm making it public, no bullshit. I can no longer look like a drag queen with mental health problems, let's fix it, there for sure is some help in the uni... I don't know how I'm going to do this, but there is too much hatred and I'm dying. I no longer care for anybody's opinion, I almost got beat up for looking like a crossdressed guy, I'm not good at pretending a woman.