So, yesterday was my 15th wedding anniversary and it was the most fantastic-est timing that my parents, who are in town for 2 weeks, wanted to have a sit-down with me and my wife (we are living separately). (sarcasm) So, being the dutiful almost 40-year-old child, I complied. If you've been a reader of my past posts, you can imagine how this went... kind of like baking a cake. 4 cups guilt regarding my kids, 2 cups guilt regarding how shitty of a husband I've been, 2 tbsps agony over why I can't wait 7 years until my kids are out of high school to transition, and a pinch of salt in the wound. Bake at 350 degrees for almost two hours (really, that's how long we talked). There were tears. Lots of tears. My wife continues to believe/perceive that my transition is an "affair" - that I'm leaving her for another woman (me). I seriously can't wrap my head around that. My parents think that my son with Aspergers won't be able to process my transition and will be mercillesly bullied - a parade of horribles was presented as a rationale why I should wait. But here's the rub... let's say I wait 7 years until my daughter graduates high school. I'll be miserable. There will be obvious tension between my wife and I as she's just counting down the days, weeks, and months (as am I) until I can become Emma. What kind of role models are we being for our kids as far as parents and spouses? Then, once I begin to transition (again), what's to say that Tonya's mind will change and she will want to live with Emma? Nothing. So we just put our lives on pause for 7 years, just waiting for the eventual split? That sounds horrible. Fucking horrible. Sure, could we work it out - possibly but at this juncture it doesn't seem likely. I don't think I can shove me back into the closet and survive. I'm not suicidal - but I have been in the past. The thought of going backwards is too much. So, I'm resolved to stick to my plan. Forward is the only way to go. They can either get on board or get the fuck off. Sounds harsh, but c'est la vie.
It sounds like a very difficult situation, what with the kids and such! I'm really sorry they're being so awful to you Emma *hugs* But you're right, you can't spend 7 years back in the closet, no one could do that We're all behind you!!
well, it's your life, and your kids. not your parents. staying in a dead marriage for years wont do a damn bit of good for your kids, trust me on that one, BTDT! and kids will adjust, they do at remarkable rates. and are better for the lack of tension in the home, my kid was at any rate.
Try not having kids but being also ad a pivotal moment of your life being also told "I wish you were just gay". Believe me it was shitty. I barely spoke to my parents over a year. They denied it and never let me move on or present in front of them or even acknowledge me. There was the "I messed up. I never should have forced you [to do male things]" Believe me sis, I feel every bit of your pain. And no, you cannot wait, do what makes you happiest. Those who love you will continue to do so.
I'm sorry that you had to go through that. It does not sound like this was something that was easy to sit through. I really think that you need to do what is best for both yourself and your family. Like others have said, being in a marriage that is not healthy for another 7 years is not going to help you or your family. It's just going to create more tension in the long run. You also need the freedom to be you. It's not healthy for you to have to hide who you are. I have worked with many children who are on the autism spectrum over the years. Some of them knew that I was transgender before I even did. It may take your son longer to understand what being transgender means, but I do not think that just because he is autistic means that he will not be able to process it.
Do your parents believe you'll be a better husband by staying in the marriage? Do they think your kids will be better off seeing you miserable for seven years? My ex actually had an affair and is still in that relationship, but in the end, he left for him. He also left for me, and for the kids. The kids are so much better off with parents who are separated than if we stayed together and were miserable. Kids pick up on those things. I also think it's possible that if you stay until they graduate, whatever the plan would be, and then transition, if they would somehow think you and their mom didn't trust them, didn't think they could handle things, didn't respect them. I think that might be harder on a kid than giving them the truth when it becomes evident. The biggest issue I see with leaving and transitioning - which I seriously think are the best choices - is your wife "poisoning the well" so to speak, and that is something you'll need to be cognizant of. But really, if you're not living authentically, can you expect that your children will live authentically, regardless of their truth?
it's completely possible and quite a few people (myself included) have done it. that said I strongly recommend not doing that, especially in a situation like the op's
You deserve to be happy and you deserve to feel complete in the gender you want to be. Your kids will understand. Trust me, as a child of split parents I am more happy that my parents are split and are now individually happy than I was to see them together being miserable. Like BradTheCat said above, your son will understand to some extent and probably more than most people think he will understand. You need to do what is best for you Emma. Like you said, c'est la vie. Don't force yourself back into that closet to make them happy and don't assume that your children will not understand. Kids tend to be more flexible and understanding than parents assume. Know that we're all here for you Emma!
Other people don't always know what's best for us. They're asking you to do this out of fear for you and your family, without thinking about your needs, probably because they can't comprehend or connect to them. I think going backwards would be the wrong thing, too. You know who you are, you're not going to be able to wait seven years. That's a long time. I guess you could, technically. Emotionally and physically, you will wear down. I always like to think of things like airplane instructions - put the mask on yourself before putting the mask on another. If you don't put it on first, maybe midway putting their's on, you will stop breathing and pass out and you both die. But you put yours on first, and then even if they're not 100% okay, you can get the mask on just in time. That's a ridiculously long metaphor to say, if you're not okay. Your kids won't be either. Kids pick up on emotions far better than any adult can, and you know what they like picking up on the most? Happiness! It makes them feel happy. It makes them feel safe. It makes them feel loved. A parent who is depressed and angry and resentful makes them feel everything opposite, and I truly believe that's how some children end up having emotional issues, because they've been learnt from watching the people in their household handle life with those emotions and that energy coursing through the air. Not always, but I think it happens a lot of the time. If you're happy, they will be happy. Just live your life! I also loved your cake recipe. It didn't sound like a good cake, but it was certainly creative!
I can only speak from my own biased queer perspective, but if one of my parents were trans, I'd want to know, and I'd want them to transition as soon as they were ready. As a kid, I can say that kids are selfish and they take you for granted, but they're also people and they also love you, so they'll come around. And they'll probably come around and cope with it just fine a lot sooner than 7 years from now, too. I think that waiting beyond whenever you're ready would really just delay getting to the great place where you're all of yourself and that's fine and normal with the people you love. If any of these horribles do come true, well, you'll deal with them then. Good things and bad things can happen at any time. If you know this will be good for you, then that's something to follow because there's one bit of the balance you have control over.
Echoing what others have said: you're not being selfish. They are. Plus, they're being close minded. I try to put myself in their shoes, and here's what I would do: I'd be honest if I were sad about the idea of losing a part of someone who wanted to transition. But I wouldn't guilt trip that person. I would be a grown up and try to deal with it. If I were your parents, I sure as hell wouldn't try to plant seeds of doubt and use your own kids in arguments against you. I also agree that putting things on hold for that long won't help anyone, especially not your kids. I grew up in a pretty awful situation where one parent put off a very painful decision for too long (longer than a decade) because he listened to all the wrong feelings and advice. I think it messed me up, and I know it messed up my younger sis. Kids get bullied for all kinds of things, not just having a transgender parent, and I know for a fact that a miserable parent can't fully be there when he's needed. Good luck!
Kids are much better at understanding this stuff that most adults give them credit for. Usually people put things as "best for the kids" in order to actually push for what they are must comfortable with. Even though many Aspy kids might struggle to imagine someone else's experience, they know what it's like to feel different. Lots of Aspy boys know what it's like to feel different than the other boys. I read somewhere that boys with aspergers are more likely to be not straight (gay, asexual, etc) than their non-aspy peers, so there may be a slightly higher than average chance that your child might need a role model of how to come out and hold your head high.
I'm sorry Emma <3 Everyone else has already said what I want to say, all I can add (and I know this isn't what's worrying you the most as far as I can tell) is that I have Aspergers and would fully understand if one of my parents were to transition, it wouldn't make me feel confused or upset any more than it would anybody else. I know that probably doesn't help much, and your son might be of a different age to me, but I just thought it was worth adding. Good luck <3
I can't give you much advice on most issues, but according to your kids, they will be fine. In case they're bullied (even as prevention) get them rhetoric and martial arts training. It's a lot of fun and useful for many other aspects. I think your aspie son is a bit more endangered. But if he's a clever kid one day he will be well respected as the classes "human wikipedia".
Thanks, everyone. You guys and gals rock. Seriously. And you're right - they are acting out of fear - fear of the unknown and their preconceptions of how everyone else will react. However, I haven't had a single person yet have a negative reaction when I came out to them, other than my parents and wife. Now, I know it's a small sample size and I chose the people I came out to, but that also includes many Marine officers and a group of 80 attorneys spread all over the US working in criminal defense and personal injury, some of them pretty damn conservative. I know there are ignorant bigots out there. But a local counterpoint is our high school had someone from the Denver Gender Identity Center come and give a talk about trans* issues to the school. There's a dialogue happening, education and a broadening of minds. Maybe I'm being a bit naïve here, but I don't see the parade of horribles of bullying that happened when I went through middle school and high school. Sigh. The good news is that this time, as opposed to when I came out as bi in '97, they aren't saying they're worried for my soul. Maybe they've already written that off. Just kidding, they're saying they love me and I think they're trying to understand but they're so stuck in 1970s or 1980s, maybe even earlier that it's hard to catch up.
