Recently I've been re-evaluating my gender identity. For a long time I was an extremely closeted person, determined to seem like a normal straight guy, despite what was screaming on the inside. In the past year I've explored letting myself out in bits and pieces without labeling things. Now people clearly see me as queer, but aren't really sure what I am, and to be perfectly honest I'm still not completely sure. I've never really experienced much body dysphoria. Puberty wasn't a hard time for me, although I feel like I was always somewhat deluded, and may be still am, about how masculine I actually appear. I always felt very feminine, and saw myself that way, and perhaps still don't actually see myself when I look in the mirror. Now I've always wanted to be female... like if I could flip a switch and be female I would, but I've never had the aversion to being male... because I've never really seen myself as male... so much so that when someone makes a comment about me being male it's like having someone point out that theres ink all over your face... "No I'm not... oh... oh wait you're right I am male". Anyway, this past year I've also been exploring my feminine side in somewhat socially acceptable ways. I live with 4 women and we have a lot of themed parties where we dress up as a house, we've done the spice girls, mean girls, etc. Through these I've been able to express myself more the way I want to. I've also slowly transitioned my wardrobe into more gender neutral, and some overtly feminine, clothes at home... And I feel good. A year ago I really wanted to transition, because I was so unhappy, but now I'm feeling good, and like I don't have to transition. So I'm not really sure what that makes me. I definitely identify with women, as a woman. If I could magic myself into a female body I would in a heartbeat, but I don't hate my current body, and have found some peace with a more feminine gender expression. I don't feel like I'm gender fluid, and I'm definitely not gender neutral. I feel like dysphoria is such an integral part to being transgender so I'm not really sure where I stand now or how I should identify?
