Hey people. I have a small problem. I think I went insane. I completely realise that I'm female and in fact I must be somewhere in the middle in behaviour. I completely realise that gender roles are arbitrary, and everything is completely arbitrary, everyone can do everything. But my gender questioning thoughts keep on coming back, even in this void. I don't know why. Honestly? I used to be worried that I'm mentally ill, and that's why I have those thoughs. But my counsellor told me I'm completely fine. I'm clean. I don't understand why it's coming back and distressing me. I feel like it was OCD, but I'm the opposite of a person who could have OCD - I'm quite scatterbrained and get bored extremely easily, I keep on forgetting about things, I always have. I doubt if it's not that I'm distressed with my family. It seems to be so against everything that could back it up. I have a great connection with my mom. Maybe my parents are being overprotective? The only piece of evidence I have is my wierd finger ratio and body language. No, actually not, that's not evidence. I don't have any evidence. I know it, and I can't stop seeing myself as being predominantly a man inside. It's scary to know I have nothing to back it up. It makes me think I went crazy. I don't get it.I don't understand why I feel sad when someone says that I am really a girl - not in a bodily way, but I, a consciousness inhabiting this human body, am essentially a female. That doesn't make sense, does it? A consciousness being female. That's my train of thought. But then I'm somewhat happy (?) when someone recognises my masculinity, in any way, I feel like it's right, and I feel upset if others don't want to recognise it, because... I was born a girl. Or some feminine behaviour or gender roles. I know it's absurd. I painfully experience how against all logic that is. I like my body, I like my expression, I feel good in my skin. I know I shouldn't care. I now paifully know that whatever I do, it will always be not enough to prove myself. I'm completely making it up and I don't even know why or how. I don't understand why my brain is doing it to me, I wish it stopped. I keep on beating myself up for feeling this way. I feel like... what are you doing you crazy one, are you trying to be male? You're not. Get over it. I mean, I don't want to be male, I don't want to transition to male. But I keep on beating myself up over trying to be somehow more masculine as a deceptive pretending to be a different sex than I am. I'm sorry if I offended someone, it was not my intention, that's just a punch in the face that my own head serves me. I keep on insulting myself in my own thoughts, in very creative and incredibely offensive ways.
