The binary

I know I'm spamming

I probably got to a point when I pretty much sorted out how I feel about gender, but I don't really know if I'm binary or not. I've been watching a lot of videos lately And writing on here, and that really helps to actually see/hear your own thoughts to process them, to see how I relate to others, what it all actually means and how to communicate it in a comprehensable manner.

I have a pretty masculine sense of self. I see myself as a dad when I become a parent, I see myself as a boyfriend, as a he. Or something like this. Suddenly parenthood makes sense since I saw that there can be two dads in a family, suddenly my attraction to women started making sense, a lot of things started to make sense and alowing myself to think of myself this way let me mature in many aspects and feel more okey about myself, become more of a whole. I feel more... alive, emotions reached a quality unknown to me before, I feel like I was numbed for a large part my life and how much I missed out, because I had to put on a character of a woman, and you can't even imagine how much grief I felt when I realised it. I felt shame about being masculine, because I associated it with violence and was told boys are bad and nasty. I sort of always related better to men, I felt as if the culture was viewed via male eyes, but really those were my eyes, as if men always got the more natural, cooler things.

I find it confusing, because I like being female. Actually, the more I allow myslef to think of myself as of a guy(?) or masculine, the more comfortable I feel with my body. A miracle happened, I felt good menstruating this month. As I wrote a couple of days ago, I became comfortable with the idea of being a parent and giving birth. If I don't have to give up my personhood to do it (before, it felt like this), I can do it. I no longer have a problem buying underwear (most female underwear is very lacy and feminine) or wearing a dress or make-up. I used to avoid all those things, because it just felt wrong. There was a point in my life when I didn't recognise my own reflection. When it comes to body, I'm just confused. I like looking feminine in a way. Not soft and feminine, but I like to look "nice", and I think I don't care one way or another how my face looks. I seem to be more comfortable with my face as I grow older and my cheeks become smaller, I always disliked them. I like my eyebrows a bit on the thicker side and use eyeliner if anything. I really like how straight leg trousers slim down my hips, and don't feel bad about the hips per say any more. I got skinnier and more muscular and I love it. My shoulders grew over the last year or two significantly, some excersice included, I pretty much realise it's permanent, because I'm young and it got into my bones. And I love it. I was skeptical, but in the end I love having broader shoulders. I like speaking in a lower voice, I suppose, it feels more natural, more like me. I got lucky and my voice is pretty low naturally. I don't care for boobs one way or another, I like them just because they are mine, I don't view them as feminine or masculine, they just are. II like having longish hair. I started to like to wear nail polish even, and I think I will pierce my ears. I like being sort of androgynous, in terms of body, feminine in some aspects and masculine in others. Sort of slender yet strong. But... I feel like it's just my aesthetic preferences. It doesn't mean for me that I want to revert to a more feminine identity or be able to for more than avoiding judgement. I'm just an artistic person and like to express myself in ways that are considered feminine or androgynous. And I feel fine as I am. I would like to give birth and don't like body hair, and wouldn't feel better with different gedered characteristics, so all the physical transition is not for me. At least I wouldn't be doing it for myself. It all might not be the case for other guys.

I feel like it would be right to overthrow the binary and identify as both or neither, in the middle. But I realise it's not exactly the case for me, at least the middle is not the case. If anything non-binary, I would still be on the masculine side of things with a big deal of masculine identification, and a small amount of feminine. And it's not masculinity as a concept I identify with, it's men. Real, alive men. I feel pretty much like a cis man. I identify with femininity, on the other hand, but not exactly with females. I could be non-binary in a sense that I don't fit neatly into the binary, or that I like looking somewhat feminine and can be happy with my body. I wouldn't like to change my name in the end, because it's my name, but would prefer to be a he, but I think I can cope without it if that's just it. Too much fuss. Eventually, I might ask someone to refer to me this way. But only when I feel more assured in myself. I struggled with feeling like it's wrong to want it or feel this way for a long time. Sir and madam don't really bother me. Being called a woman or a girl didn't ever bother me either. But I don't feel like it means anything, because I didn't know I have a choice or the right to the choice. I just went along with what was expected of me. Right now it simply looks like an apperance-based judgement to me and I don't particularily care, but not because I feel particularily female, which I think is quite undermined by the fact of seeing myself as a dad and a boyfriend, and a he. When I saw a video "How I didn't know I was trans" it literally blew my mind. I was also a person who didn't question and went along with what I was told. Tbh, I had to work through a fair amount of guilt and shame about my masculinity, of feeling like a betrayer, of cooperating with the patriarchy, of hurting women and abandoning my female family members (that one I still have to work through) and all that sort of stuff.

The question is: am I binary trans and wierd or non-binary? And if non-binary than what?

I think it's all. Thank you for reading.

 

It simply feels good to let these thoughts out, that's my only purpose of writing this, just to talk about it, just to go out with this and not keep on circling inside my own head. The previous thread too.

 

I don't mind reading long rants

Then I would be um...cissexual, transgender and GNC.

---------- Post added 26th May 2016 at 09:26 AM ----------

I've got no idea what to call myself. But seriously, I'm experimenting with clothing and while I personally have no preference as for what I look like, it looks like I will spend the rest of my life dressed as male, because the quality of interpersonal interaction depends on it. That is a very real problem. Having a man's psyche and looking like a woman. Even though personally I like being female and looking female, but it either creeps people off, makes me mistaken for a drag queen or separates me from people.

 

I feel flattered Although... could you clarify what you had in mind?

 

I find them attractive too. I had a very stong crush on such a person once.