So I changed my id to possibly agender or something because I feel more comftable that way and now I feel like I can be myself and I'm not straining to be a guy. My sense of self has gotten pretty clear over the past few months so I think I'm at a point where I'm able to get a clearish picture of my what my gender is. And I just can't see it. I just feel like my core is myself, androgynous if anything. So that's why I put agender, but at the same time I'm 95% sure that my body should me more male. The dysphoria is bad and I really feel the need to get the top surgery and maybe bottom as soon as I can get it and am ready in my life. I feel more comftable identifying as male than female, and feel more happy and comftable with male pronouns/title and such. Female related anything makes me nauseous and I have an issue with it being used for me. I know that if I transition, I will be seen as male but I'm not sure if that's what's going to ultimately make me feel as authentic myself as possible. I guess I'm just wanting to know is there anyone here with experience like this or concerns about similar things.
I'd definitely want my body to be more male, I mean to have flat chest, narrow hips, muscles, deeper voice etc. but even though if I could wake up as a male tomorrow then yay let's do it because I'd want that without hesitation, I'm still not quite sure I am a man. I used to identify as an androgyne but then I realized I don't feel the woman in me at all, while I can definitely feel the male side. I don't know it's kind of like I'm not sure HE "fills enough space" in me to call myself a man and live happy as a man, and I'm not sure about transitioning either.
I'm exactly the opposite way round, I thought I must be agender, because I don't care about anything like titles or my body, I'm quite feminine... and I've always been a man.
I sort of relate. But it's helpful to remember that you don't have to feel 100%, totally, super strongly male all the time to be a trans guy. Not all cis guys feel so obviously male all the time, it's just sort of given and they're comfortable with who they are. From what I can garner, I don't think they walk around every day feeling extremely like a male man all the time (or at least not all of them). Now I'm not trying to invalidate being agender or androgyne in any way whatsoever. They're completely valid identities and if you think agender or androgyne suits you better, and honours your identity and your feelings better, then go for it. You have the ultimate say and know how you feel and want. What is relevant is what label you think suits you, and that doesn't mean you have to be 10000% confident in it with no doubts all the time. Personally I don't feel 100% male ALL the time. Sometimes I just feel pretty neutral, but I still want a typical male body, and I still would want to be treated as and socialise as a guy, even if I'm not super dysphoric or euphoric about it all. And personally whilst I could call myself genderflux/agender-male trans/something else, I simply (mostly) call myself a trans guy. At the end of the day I don't think there's a perfect label for me, but at the moment that's what's simpler for me and what generally fits. Someone else in my position could very well use an entirely different label, and that's fine. But they are not in my position right now, and I'm not in theirs. It's often a sort of subjective thing, and it's about you. However I understand where you are coming from. There's often a bit of an androgynous or agender "feeling" within me along with the male, and I wonder if I will be 100% happy if I transition. But remember that you do not have to be a binary trans guy to get top surgery/bottom surgery/go on hormones. Any person (genderfluid/agender/genderflux, or otherwise) can very well do all those things (and some nonbinary people have), there's no such thing as not trans enough to get surgery or go on hormones, if they feel it's best for themselves. Even after you transition, it's still very valid to explain that your identity is not a binary trans guy (if that's what you feel is right at that point). Even if I'm not a binary trans guy, I'll take transitioning over not transitioning any day. I don't mind explaining being genderqueer or nonbinary afterwards, but I still want to transition. So that's what I'm aiming for. It's hard focusing on labels. I've seen/read this advice a lot: sometimes it's healthier to try and focus on simply which direction you want your body to go, what kind of pronouns feel right, which direction your social gender (for lack of a better term) and physical body will make you happier and more comfortable. Simply put, focus on the journey more than the box/label to fit into. Base it off being happier and more comfortable FIRST, and then see which label might fit well on top of that. It might be easier to approach it that way. If you aren't completely happy being seen as fully male and you think there's something else there too, and you think some other label besides a binary trans guy fits better, then go for it. There is nothing that invalidates that, and that shouldn't invalidate you from still transitioning, getting surgeries and hormones. At the end of the day, fortunately or unfortunately, the label and what you understand from your feelings, rests on your shoulders. It's totally your agency. Hope this helps a little, just my thoughts at the moment. Anyone feel free to correct anything I've said, if I'm a bit misinformed on some parts.
