I had my first therapy appointment but I'm not sure how much I should trust her.

Hey, this is basically just to talk about my experience, but I would appreciate any input as well.

I had my first appointment with a gender therapist last week and it went well I think. I really like my therapist and she is very supportive, but I have some slight concerns. For one thing she is a GENDER THERAPIST and I think maybe I should have started with a regular therapist. I'm not 100% positive I am trans (though I am like 80% sure), but my therapist has little doubt that I am. She is very gung ho, already talking about getting started on hormones and surgery eventually if that is something I wanted to do. Maybe she is just trying to get me used to the idea, but I was kind of expecting more actual diagnosis.

I talked about my dysphoria which is very real, and we talked about my childhood and I told her that I didn't think my childhood was unusual. I played with boys and girls, my toys were rarely gendered, we mostly had books and blocks and stuff, I dressed as a girl (not that I had a choice), and I liked to wrestle and climb trees but none of this seems unusual for a cis girl to me. Or boy for that matter. Most of my female friends did this stuff too. She labelled some of my behavior from childhood as dysphoria even though I kind of thought it was normal. Like a crippling fear/disgust of pregnancy and never having an ounce of desire to have my own children. But I know straight cis women who have no desire to have children. My therapist is mtf I think and I kind of felt like she was projecting her own desires on me. I told her that I have never bought tampons or pads before because I didn't want to be seen buying them and how I have just been stealing them from other women or "improvising" and she labelled that as dysphoria. But I always thought it was normal to be embarrassed of menstruation. She acted like it was some sort of right of passage and most girls are happy to learn they can have children. But other than that stuff, I didn't have dysphoria until long after puberty because I don't relate to "womanhood" though girlhood never mattered to me. It was basically inconsequential.

Anyway, I am just concerned that she is not really talking enough about the negatives or trying to help me look at both sides enough. I feel like she would write me a letter for T right now if I asked. Maybe I am just still in denial and waiting for someone to tell me I'm wrong. But is this normal? Maybe because I am a legal adult she figures I know myself and am ready to make my own decisions. Maybe if I was a minor she would be more thorough. If you're an adult can you pretty much just waltz into a gender therapist claiming dysphoria and get a scrip? I haven't even told anyone about this yet besides my fiancee (vaguely) and my therapist is calling me by my chosen name and pronouns, which is nice because I am happy to get a feel for it and see if I like it. But she is just treating me as trans, not questioning. I came in with depression and alcohol abuse and anxiety (mostly brought on or at least worsened by dysphoria) but I kind of feel like she is ignoring my symptoms as if transitioning will fix everything. She is already talking about bringing my parents in sometime. This is all stuff I plan on probably doing some day but it seems so fast now the way she talks about it. Maybe the next appointment we will talk about my doubts a little more, because at the first appointment we mostly talked about my dysphoria.

Any thoughts? How did your first therapy appointment go? Should I be worried about this therapist, or should I have expected this going into it?

I don't want to talk bad about her because I like her and it is very validating to have someone who recognizes my identity and is willing to help me through everything, but I just worry that she would talk the same to anyone.

 

Thanks! Yeah, I definitely thought it was weird what she was saying about periods. Like I am sure most transgirls wish they had one, but for cis girls as far as I know, that is the worst part about being cis. I don't really mind that much because I barely bleed and have almost no cramps or anything. But my therapist did make me realize that I have had dysphoria about my reproductive organs since I was very young. I never really wanted testicles but it definitely felt wrong that I was supposed to be in charge of making children. I think I assumed I would understand when I got older, but it actually got worse. I think she is wrong about the period thing though, and because of that it is hard to trust everything else she says about how an ftm should feel, or a cis woman, since she hasn't had those experiences. I don't mean any disrespect though. I almost think the only one I would trust 100% was a transman because they have experienced it. She says she is going to introduce me to a transguy in his thirties next session as part of a sort of mentorship thing they do and I think that will be helpful.

I think I will keep the next appointment with her, but if I am still not sure I will shop around.