Non-binary and family struggles

Lately, I've been feeling extremely uncomfortable with myself. I always dress more on the masculine side, and I usually don't think about it. But now it's been bothering me. I often feel as though I'm presenting myself as "too masculine", but I cringe at the thought of trying to appear feminine. Strangers often mistake me as a male, even though I don't feel that I pass as a male. People who know me and who I'm not out to perceive me as a female and use she/her pronouns. I really don't like being referred to as either gender, but I don't know how I can make things better; there's not really a way to "pass" as gender-neutral, and I'm not confident enough to come out to people yet.

My family is not supportive, and my mom has said some extremely hurtful things to me about being transgender (I'm a girl not a boy, trans people are freaks, etc). I am not actually out to anyone in my family. I'm so afraid of losing both of my parents after I graduate high school. I don't desire to keep my dad in my life due to abuse, but I think I love my mom. I think I love her despite us disagreeing on nearly everything, and I miss the bond we used to have. I want to build a relationship with her, I want to open her mind and facilitate understanding different people. She's asked me multiple times if I was transgender, but I've always had to lie. I am certain that she won't understand and that it'll make things harder on me. She's completely opposed to the idea of being transgender. She has my tumblr password and stalks my blog, reading through literally every post and message on my account. I have no safe space, and she is judgmental and disapproving of my beliefs. Sometimes I feel as though she is getting better, but she continues to say hurtful things and shut down any objection to it. I don't know that I'll ever be able to make her understand, and I'm scared that she'll hold me back. I don't know what to say to her when I decide to have that discussion with her.

My dad is putting pressure on me in regards to school/college and finding another job. Between both of my parents and managing gender dysphoria and mental illness among other things, I feel as though I'm no longer myself. I feel detached from myself. I feel shame. I am terrified of the future, but I don't want to die. I just want to feel secure. I've never felt that I could depend on anyone, and now I'm afraid of facing the world alone. I'm not ready.

 

I realize I wasn't very clear on what I was looking for with this thread. How can I avoid feeling too masculine or too feminine? How can I feel more comfortable with myself? How can I gain more confidence to tell people my pronouns? And what should I do about my mom? Any advice? I know there's no clear answer to any of this, but it'd help me to have some input.

I also didn't mention this above: I feel really out-of-place in the girl's bathroom, and I feel like I'm being watched when I'm in there. I can't use the boys' bathroom because someone will recognize me, and even if they didn't, there's still the chance that someone will see that I'm not male and I shouldn't be in there. I feel like I don't belong in either bathroom, but I don't have an alternative. This is more of a vent, but if you have any advice, I welcome it.