Uncomfortable, afraid, and confused about my gender

Where to start?

I've never really cared too much about my gender until recently. Then again, before I never really saw the divide between gender and sex, or the gray area between boy and girl. I suppose I identified as a female, but I wasn't all that attached to it. I considered myself indifferent to any sort of labels or gendering.

I never understand being transgender.

It was a weirdly distant concept to me, because.. Well because I cared so little.
And, as mentioned previously, I didn't see the difference between gender and sex, /or/ get why either were meaningful to people. Maybe it's that my social world is changing, and the divide between man and woman is becoming more apparent-
Maybe because I've been obsessively educating myself on all the characteristics of dysphoria and all the different gender labels out there, and I've convinced myself that I'm feeling something that I'm actually not.

Or maybe it's the possibility that scares me most.
That this is all real.
That I'm.. transgender.

You see, I've been less than sure of my gender identity for half a year or so, and heavily questioning it on and off for a few months.
Even in that period of time, I was pretty much able to ignore it. Push it aside, but lately it hasn't been nearly as easy.
Around a month to two months ago I started getting little twinges of distaste when somebody called me "mam" or young lady, and cringed a bit when I was referred to as a girl. Going out to eat is crappy now because I don't like the risk of it happening and getting that feeling.

I talked to a few people about it, specifically one of my only trans friends, and he told me to just come out to people about my confusion little by little.. But it's hard. When I was coming out to people as a gay girl, it was a hell of a lot less... I dunno... Touchy?
For some reason or another, straying from your assigned gender is such a taboo subject.
And I keep regretting that I said a single word about it. I guess not telling anybody was my way of hiding from it.
I can't hide anymore.

A week ago I cut my hair pretty short.
It was a really emotional experience for me, considering the fact that it's just.. Hair.
When I first saw it.. My immediate thought was-
"Wow. I look like a dude."
And it made me smile.

But here's the rub, I guess.
Now that from the neck up I look exactly how I think I feel, I notice the slight mismatch with everything else. Like before I cut my hair. I could just see myself in the mirror and think, I look like a girl. And I don't quite feel like a girl. Now that I cut my hair, I look at my face in the mirror and think, I look like a boy.
And I think I feel that way too.
If that makes any sense at all.
And.. I'm starting to wish I had a chest binder.

And all of this is terrifying to me.
I don't know if it's just a phase or not. And if it's not, what will that mean for me in the future?
Coming out to my parents?
Hormones??
Surgery???
My anxiety tends to grip on to anything slightly unnerving or stressful and make it seem like the actual end of the world, so that's not helping.

I don't know..
Maybe I'll edit this later..
I'm just really stressed and I needed to get the whole story down..

Thanks for listening.

 

Thirteen, and frequently accused of acting like a thirty year old... Though I don't think I'm quite that eloquent haha.

 

Thank you If you ever need to talk, I'm here.

 

Yeah, sure!! Talking here is totally fine. :icon_bigg
Nice to meet you Blue!

 

Thanks a whole heap. And for the binding tips as well.
I have talked to my mom recently about getting some sports bras because I've heard they can be used to bind, and getting something from like gc2b or underworks would require coming out to my parents, which I'm not sure I'm ready for yet.. I'm just sick of wearing a massive hoodie every day to hide my chesticles (yes I've started calling them that hah. Judge me if you want to) and the only other solution is to slouch even more than I used to.
Good luck to you!

 

<3

 

Thanks haha :')
It's the sort of stuff they should teach in sex Ed but don't, no? Till then I'll just have to scrape by on transgender YouTube videos and webcomics~