I think I really screwed up, and I'm losing it

Hi,

You are far from alone, so don't beat yourself up because you're unsure. There's nothing wrong with tapering off the hormones (I wouldn't stop abruptly without advice from the prescribing physician) and taking some time to figure out who you are and what you want.

This is where really good therapy is crucial... to help people really explore themselves and gain a good understanding of where they're at, explore other underlying issues (for example, anxiety) that can complicate getting a clear understanding of dysphoria, and help you figure out the direction you want to go.

There are a substantial number of people who experience gender dysphoria in their teen years and even early twenties for whom the dysphoria resolves without the need or desire to transition. And there are also quite a few people who have co-occuring issues, such as anxiety, unresolved sexual trauma, and other factors that can muddy the waters.

As for de-transitioning... what matters here is you. Anyone who genuinely cares about you will love and accept you regardless of any difficulties you're having in understanding yourself. And if you later decide that transitioning is the right choice... they should support that decision as well. People who can't understand and accept that you're in struggle about this are people you don't need to share your experiences with.

I do think, before you do anything else, that you need to spend some real, quality time in therapy with a really good therapist, not even focusing on the gender issue, but on the underlying anxiety and exploring to see if there are other issues, and only then looking at the gender piece. In that way, you're rooting out the complicating factor and can then figure out where you are on the gender continuum. This won't be a rapid process -- perhaps 6 months, perhaps longer -- but I think the benefits of doing this will be immeasurable.

And in the meantime, keep talking about what's going on for you here. Just sharing your story and having people listen and comment is one of the best things you can do to help ease the anxiety and gain a better understanding of yourself.