You have probably seen me battling with my own thoughts recently a lot. The whole "am I trans" dilemma, beating myself up for going crazy, griefing, guilt-tripping, being scared and so on. In the end: I don't know and I can't know how it really is. I don't really want stuff to be this way to be honest and it would be better if people just recognised me as me right away, and it's not really a matter of a want or preferring. But I figure I would be happier if I do transition somehow, and do look like a boy, like what I am. I found courage in myself and cut my hair short, and as I already wear unisex and quite masculine clothes, I got sirred immediatelly. I seriously couldn't wrap my head around the idea or what transitioning means. I'm so happy about the hair. It feels like I'm more like, out there with people, and it feels just awsome. Unfortunately, my boyfriend seems to be put off by my new "sir"-ish look. But honestly? I felt something was wrong in that relationship, I felt like we didn't really communicate, I felt misunderstood, it was an obstacle forming intimacy, and it wasn't too old and invested, so I don't cry after this relationship. Buuuut..... it seems like I won't be single for too long :icon_wink I came out to a couple of my friends, and they all understand (or even if not, they are okey). And I'm not too camp to other people. Coming out to my parents about me identifying as a guy was reeeeally difficult and nerve-wrecking, and my mom went nuts for some reason. I think she feels like she lost a daughter. But otherwise it has been a positive surprise. I had to go to the doctor and she was very nice , and I looked very androgynous on that day. All the academic staff in my uni are also very nice and supportive, and the friends and my dad. Even people in the street are very nice, even when they get confused about my gender and see what's going on, I didn't suspect it. Thank you for reading this and many more rambl-y posts and supporting me during this difficult time (&&&)
