1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

What I want versus what's easy/societal pressure

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Alder, May 31, 2016.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. Alder

    Alder
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2014
    Messages:
    1,145
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    Wandering
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I've been thinking of why I still feel so tempted, at times, to try to be the girl everyone sees me as and wants me to be again. It's a constant battle between that and wanting to transition + all that to do with being trans. And it can kind of be attributed to/exemplified with situations with my relatives. They don't mean to be hurtful, but when they see me with my short hair now and how I dress, I keep getting comments like "you look so much better with long hair" and "you don't look as nice now, you should go back to dressing more like a girl," or "you just look weird now."

    As much as I try not to take those comments to heart, I know that, in a way, I believe they're true, and it's something I struggled with unconsciously (all that pressure to fit in/look good/societal pressure in general) even before I heard their words. With my facial shape now and with my body, I can't deny that I do look better more feminine, not how I am now, and that I'll get less judgement if I fit into just "being" a "girl." I have quite a few formal social events coming up, which doesn't help, because I definitely have a lot of pressure to dress up as a good looking "woman" in those events.

    I keep imagining that I look like a good looking guy now but I just don't, and that dissonance can be jarring, and downright uncomfortable when I look in the mirror. Like - short hair, masculine clothing, everything I can do without hormones - and I still don't look like the proper dude I want to look like - from an outsider's point of view I might simply look weird. (Doesn't help that I live in a semi-conservative area at the moment. And more often than not get looks in my direction when I go out)

    All the social pressure + the fact that it's quite exhausting to try really hard to look like a guy but still not being seen/read as one in public, and the fact that I simply don't look that good now, all attribute to how I sometimes (more frequently now) want to just go screw it, go back to being a "girl" that fits in, want to just be a good looking girl again (not that my gender is a choice for me but...) - it certainly will be easier, I will certainly look better from an outsiders' point of view, I will get less judgement for it, and I managed it for so many years before, why can't I do it again you know?

    It's tempting, so tempting it almost seems like it's what I want some days, and that temptation really causes a lot of doubts for me. It seems very counterintuitive. I want to be true to myself, but it simply isn't easy. Sometimes it really is difficult to isolate what I truly want for myself from what I want simply because it's easier and more comfortable fitting in that way, or even something as shallow as looking good and getting validation from that. Am I even trans, or who I thought I was? Something I need to answer for myself in due time, but it's very confusing at the moment.

    Just a little rant I suppose. I know I'll be able to get over this, but maybe someone has some thoughts.
     
    #1 Alder, May 31, 2016
    Last edited: May 31, 2016
  2. BrookeVL

    BrookeVL
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2016
    Messages:
    2,157
    Likes Received:
    293
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Perhaps you COULD dress up for one of these occasions. Just to try it out again. Then when you absolutely hate it, that'll be a pretty big affirmation that you aren't that person...or who knows MAYBE you'll like it enough that you can do it more often?

    Or you could just say 'screw everyone!" and dress how you want. :slight_smile:
     
    #2 BrookeVL, May 31, 2016
  3. Mihael

    Mihael
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2015
    Messages:
    3,060
    Likes Received:
    708
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    My haircut has also been received negatively and I was pressured to keep my hair long, literally forced. My mom would go and tell the hairdresser not to cut it too short, and go with me in the name of "taking care". That's difficult.

    Fuck it, tough, this is war.

    I hear you, brother. I experience exactly the same.
     
    #3 Mihael, May 31, 2016
  4. Rickystarr

    Rickystarr
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 13, 2016
    Messages:
    1,054
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Kansas City
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    That is really difficult. People just don't like change. They will get used to it. There was a time where I got a lot of grief, especially from people I've known since I was a kid, saying "but you used to be so pretty" blah blah blah. Fuck what the world thinks. You will be most attractive when you are comfortable. Stay strong!
     
    #4 Rickystarr, May 31, 2016
    Last edited: May 31, 2016
  5. Jiramanau

    Jiramanau
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2014
    Messages:
    184
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    where all the nuts roll downhill to
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I get it, sometimes I think about how much simpler/easier/cheaper it would be if I could unring the transgender bell. At this point (hrt soon) I'm having those thoughts alot, especially with concerns about work. But, I was well on my way to attempting suicide when I first asked myself if I could be transgender, and with every step I've taken down this path I become happier. Will I get run out of my career? Probably. But I have a supportive partner and friends, I know people who would stick up for me and give me a job in a related field, or I could get on with Disney or target and start over in a less "good 'ol boy" setting. The point is: I was already ready to die before I put 2 and 2 together and started exploring my gender. So worst case scenario: even if I take a 60% wage cut, lose my daughter, boyfriend, brother and end up living alone in a camper in the trailer park, and then decide I still want to throw in the towel, at least I will have tried everything. And honestly I think it will all work out alot better than that, I think I will survive and thrive. But standing here, on the edge of the canyon, it seems like insanity.
     
    #5 Jiramanau, May 31, 2016
    Last edited: May 31, 2016
  6. darkcomesoon

    darkcomesoon
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2014
    Messages:
    1,359
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    New Jersey
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    When I first cut my hair and stopped wearing dresses, my friend and family kept telling me I looked pretty in a dress or I had looked nice with long hair. People don't like change (and they don't like gender nonconformity either). I did my best to ignore them, kept dressing how I wanted, and they've stopped. They get used to it. They realize you're not going to suddenly start being feminine again, and they start to see you as a masculine person. Eventually, they stop expecting you to wear dresses or have long hair, and they stop asking about it. Don't give in to pressure. If being a girl and/or presenting femininely doesn't feel comfortable or natural to you, don't force yourself to do it.
     
    #6 darkcomesoon, May 31, 2016
  7. Alder

    Alder
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2014
    Messages:
    1,145
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    Wandering
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hey thanks for all the replies :slight_smile: Sorry it took me a while. But I've read through them and they've helped, thank you!

    I'm working on being more comfortable and confident in my gender that I can just express myself however, in my own terms rather than any social norms or pressures. Work in progress. A few steps at a time I suppose.
     
    #7 Alder, Jun 9, 2016
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)