Up until now, I've never really been saddened by my dysphoria. Yeah I threw a hissy fit over my mom dismissing my gender as a phase and therefore not giving me the means to transition in my teenage years but now I don't even know if I want to. Every time I see a girl or woman now I get a little sadder. I used to get so much joy from thoughts of transitioning but now I always picture a guy trying desperately to pass. I almost started crying in public at one point and I rarely cry. I've started trying to get a little spiritual and tell myself I was AFAB in another life even though I don't believe in any sort of spiritual or religious stuff. It didn't help either 'cause the moment I returned to reality, my sadness got even worse than before. The thing is, I feel stuck between two un-appealing options. If I transition, I'll be insecure about whether or not everybody else thinks of me as a boy or girl that 'd be even shyer than I am now but at least I'll like my body a little more. And if I don't, I'll have to live in a body I can't stand and feel imprisoned in my own skin but at least I wont attract any attention. I never hated being trans so much before but now I don't even feel like living anymore (don't worry, I'm too afraid of death to kill myself).
I personally think that anyone can pass with enough effort, no matter how masculine you look naturally. Also, wouldn't it be better for some people to think that you're female and some male than everybody thinking that you're male? That's how I would view it if I was in your position. Stay positive and everything will be alright in the end!
I used to think that not attracting attention is worth it. But it's not if you have to compromise your happiness. You only live one life. Not feeling alive is the worst of all what comes with transgenderism, but you can make your way out.
Thanks But what I meant was that I don't even think I would be happy with myself if I transitioned (even if I had every means of medical transition). I would still feel like I'm not real even though I fully identify as female.
Think of those times when you were yourself and didn't hide behind the mask. Did you feel fake? Part of why you are feeling as if you will never be real is that you are right now feeling dysphoric and it is influencing your perceptions. I've been feeling the same way over the last few days and very similar thoughts crossed my mind, however, when I look back at those times when I broke down the barriers and was just myself, I felt different, alive and whole, eventhough, nothing had really changed and my body was still the same and I had no connection to it. Transitioning is just as much a psychological process as a physical one, it is a form of awakening that allows us to truly feel alive despite everything. Every small change along the way takes us one step closer to being who we really are and it doesn't matter how other see us, because when we look in the mirror and see our reflection and not the shadow of a person, that's all that really matters. Ultimately, all that matters is how you feel, is the person that you see in the mirror and not what others see. I truly believe that when all is over and done, when you look in the mirror, you will see a girl and that will mean the world to you. You will see the person that you truly are inside because that's how it works and why the vast majority people who transition are happy that they did so. I hope you feel better soon, (*hug*) Eveline
Your "out status" says you're out to your therapist. Is your therapist someone who is knowledgeable about gender and you can talk to about these things? If so, I think talking to them would be a really good idea. Being comfortable with yourself takes more than just medical transition. Reducing your dysphoria won't magically make you love yourself, and it won't magically make you feel whole. It will just help reduce some of the discomfort and unhappiness that is stopping you from feeling those things. The rest, you still have to do on your own. Try talking to your therapist about how you think that you would not feel real even if you fully transitioned physically, and see if you can work through those feelings with them. It is possible to learn to feel like your body is enough and that you are a real woman, even if right now it doesn't feel like you will ever believe that. It just takes work.
I feel your pain. I don't even really know how to word it... But I will leave you with a quote. AND I will choose a non-generic one, but one from a villain: "Happiness must be taken - and I will take mine." With time you can grow into a more positive outlook on life, and thus be able to live it more fully. You are not alone in feeling like you do. Others have done it before, and others have recovered and found happiness. I am not one of them, I'm still on the same magical, mysterious ride as you are. But in due time I hope that I may find it.
Hey There, What your feeling right now is something that I've heard from many different Transgender individuals. I myself went through a similar period during my beginning transitional stages. It's hard to fight for sure. But as I saw it, I would rather be an ugly woman, than an attractive male. Just because I may not be a model or a *10* doesn't make me less of a woman. You are who you are dear. It doesn't go away. Honestly there is no rush, but I understand the drive to transition is very strong, especially when you are first starting out. You have plenty of time to grow into yourself. You may think that *now* you wouldn't care even after you transitioned, but I believe that you are still under the strong cloud of dysphoria. Once you do transition, it is the most wonderful feeling *at least in my case* to finally be yourself, without the barrier of looking like the wrong gender. I hope this helps.(*hug*)
I have had similar thoughts...I almost made a thread about it but didn't want to sound shallow, but I worry very much about starting transition and not being able to pass, or what I really fear talking about, being an ugly man, or not masculine enough. I fear being someone who is just "trying to be a man", and it almost seems easier to just do nothing. I am very afraid of drawing attention to myself.
